Dear Friends and Family,
Another year has passed, and as always, we feel so blessed.
Except Susie. She failed fifth grade – AGAIN – and is now the oldest child in the history of Glendale Elementary School. We’ve hired dozens of tutors and even sent her to Sylvan learning center, but we’re starting to suspect she’s just plain old dumb. On the upside, she’s really looking forward to getting her driver’s license next summer!
In contrast, Andy has gotten straight A’s this school year. We couldn’t be more proud. Unfortunately, his complete lack of athletic ability combined with a glaring absence of personality or social skill have led to some rather ferocious playground beatings. Who could’ve ever predicted seven-year-olds would know how to use nunchucks?
Gary and my marriage continues to drag on as the slow march to the grave continues. Can you believe that next year we’ll have been married for TWENTY years? How do we do it? Well, it’s a careful balance of seething looks, passive aggressive behavior, and a mutual attachment to our ‘lifestyle’ that keeps it all in check. If I weren’t so afraid of winding up on welfare, I’d be out of here faster than you can say ‘repressed lesbianism.’
Speaking of Gary, as you probably heard, he lost his job this summer. Happily, he found a new one within weeks. Actually, he found three of them, and he’s now diligently working like the great provider we all count on. You can find him slinging hash at the breakfast shift at Denny’s (I always did say that no one could fry an egg quite like Gary can!), parking cars at the local Indian casino, and – come this January – fishing for crab off the coast of Alaska! What an adventure! With any luck, you’ll see him on an upcoming episode of ‘The World’s Deadliest Jobs.’ (and I’ve increased his life insurance coverage just to be safe. Just killing. I mean kidding. Ha ha!)
Lastly, for those we aren’t able to stay in touch with as much as we like, we did have a bit of sad news to share. As you may recall from last year’s letter, we planned a big family vacation in South Padre Island, Texas. We really bonded as a family, and everyone had an amazing time. Everyone, that is, except little Annie.
Annie was always one to wander off, and while the rest of us were working hard at burying Greg up to his neck in the sand, Annie waded out near a sandbar and was promptly killed by a great white shark. It was a freak attack, but still a major bummer. Needless to say, it put a damper on the rest of vacation, and she – and her relentless singing of ‘I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody’s Nerves’– will be missed.
We look forward to 2009, and hope it brings much happiness to you and yours. If you’re in our neck of the woods, please stop in and visit! We got rid of that dog that used to bite everyone, so it’s once again safe to get out of your car unannounced. Also, if anyone knows how to get in touch with my brother, Steve, let him know I’m looking for him! And I need him to repay the $5000 I loaned him in 2002. Or I’ll see him in court. Oh, and Dad is back in prison.
Happy Holidays and blessings to you all!