The dawn of a new year is a good time to reflect upon the past.

I’m doing so by watching VH1’s ‘100 Greatest Hard Rock Songs” – numbers 100 through 81. The good (?) news there is that I don’t think they’ve played the other episodes yet…so you can still catch the magic as it happens!

Meanwhile, from the bit I did watch, I don’t know what I found more alarming, the songs I have never heard in my entire lifetime (#94, The Darkness and their hit “I Believe in a Thing Called Love, #93 Autograph and their chartbuster “Turn Up the Radio.” Who are these bands? Were these hits on the planet Earth ???).…or the way some of these people are looking now. Holy Old Man River, Night Ranger.

Billy Corgan should consider The Hairclub for Men

Meanwhile, although we’ve already acknowledged that Marilyn Manson is and will always be extremely creepy, is it me, or is Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins turning into the missing cast member of the Hellraiser movies?

However, the best part had to be host Bret Michaels, douche bag extraordinaire. What a sorry sight. I remember the days when some of the members of Poison would come to my high school to troll for jailbait. I think they were in their 30′s then.

Anyway, I nearly choked on my pasta when Brett delivered the following line in reference to song #81:

Are you ready for it? Okay. Here goes. He said, “It’s gonna rip your face off…guaranteed.”

Huh? Are you talking about a song? Or Billy Corgan and his crew of Cenobites?

(It was, for the record, Black Sabbath’s Heaven and Hell, sans Ozzy. At least if it were Black Sabbath WITH Ozzy this line would make some kind of sense…if you were a bat.)

Heavy black eyeliner. It's not just for Goth girls anymore.

Best of all was Bret’s mannequin-erisms while uttering this line, all weird and wooden. I’m no body language expert, but I think he’s trying to communicate something to the effect of, “I’m a washed up douche bag wearing a cowboy hat and a bandana at the same time. It’s the only thing that makes my wig look ‘natural.’ Help me! Someone please help me!”

 Your heart bleeds for the man.