A word to the Somali pirates

A PR efforts go, you’ve down an outstanding job of getting coverage.

However, I’m concerned about the image you’re portraying to the media. Effective public relations creates good publicity, building your reputation with potential takeover targets and others that matter to you. That stated, haven’t you ever seen Peter Pan or Treasure Island? What about the excessively overexposed Pirates of the Caribbean franchise?

If you’re familiar with these films, then you must know you’re way off base. For starters, you can’t call yourself a pirate without catchy drinking songs about pillaging, plundering, and bottles of rum. How about a little ‘yo ho, yo ho…” as you’re speeding toward a Korean vessel? Nothing gets the team fired up to do a little hijacking like songs about fifteen men on a dead man’s chest.

I'm sorry. Are those BASKETBALL SHORTS!? And not a pegleg in sight...

Next, let’s talk about physical appearances:  Where the hell are the puffy shirts? You can’t call yourself a pirate without a puffy shirt, or at least some stripy pants and knee-high boots. And where are the eye patches, for god’s sake!? What about a hook hand? I have yet to see a photo of a single Somali pirate with a hook hand, peg leg, or (and this really is unacceptable) a large parrot on his shoulder.

The three “P”s – Parrots, Puff, and Patches – are absolutely critical to an effective pirate public image.

You can get a nice rhinestone eye patch like this at any online costume store.

Have you been wondering why so much press coverage refers to you as “alleged” pirates? That’s because none of you have adopted colorful pseudonyms like Long John Silver, Calico Jack, Captain Hook, Black Sam, Blackbeard, or Ghedi the Scalliwag. And if you have, it’s time to start sharing these tidbits with the press. Build up a little mystery. Get some exciting names and work up some meandering tales about buried treasure.

You look like a washed up R&B group. Think "Swashbuckler" not "Member's Only."

Lastly, and perhaps most egregiously, what the hell is this watercraft? This is not a pirate ship. It’s more like something stolen from the set of Miami Vice. I half expect to see someone water skiing behind it. Where are the black sails? Where are the damsels walking the plank? WHERE IN GOD’S NAME IS THE JOLLY ROGER FLAG!?

That’s just simple etiquette. You’re supposed to raise the panic-inducing skull and crossbones when preparing to hijack a vessel. Seriously, I thought everyone knew this.

One sorry excuse for a pirate ship

Look, let me give it to you straight: Piracy has a history thousands of years old. As long as there have been humans with watertight vessels, they have been ripping each other off at sea. There have been documented pirate attacks since 13BC. Julius Caesar was captured by pirates. So was Saint Patrick (in fact, he wasn’t Irish at all. It was the Irish who captured him. But that’s a story for another day. Like St. Patrick’s Day).

What I’m trying to say is that you’re an embarrassment to your predecessors. Get yourselves some button-down shirts, some tight satin pants, and some buccaneer hats, and at least look the part.

Tags: dressing like a pirate, Humor, Life, pirate outfits, pirates, pirates from Somali, Somali pirates, stupid advice

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