Archive for January 5th, 2009

Ode to a Snowblower

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Ode to a Snowblower



You m*therf*cking Japanese piece of sh*t

What in the hell is wrong with you now?

Don’t like the way I pull your cord until I damn near throw my back out?

Not fast enough for you?

Nothing’s ever good enough, is it?
You want the choke on? Off? You want premium grade gas?
How do you feel about being thrown off a cliff?

You like that?



Oh, wait.

What’s that?

A small sputter?

A sign of life?

If I pull 38 more times with every ounce of strength in my puny body

your engine might actually turn over?

And help me move all this snow?



God bless you, beloved snowblower.

I love you.

I’d do anything for you!  

You are such a good boy.

I’m sorry about those things I said.

I didn’t mean it.

I have a bad temper.

I’d marry you if you weren’t an inanimate object!



Wait a minute.

We’re not done yet, you son of a b*tch

See that over there?

It’s called a sidewalk. You haven’t plowed it.

And that?
That’s half the driveway you still have left to blow.

You can’t freaking die now.

You still have work to do, mister.



What the hell is wrong with you this time?

You’re full of gas. I just checked.
You’re not allowed to f-ing die.

You should be ashamed to call yourself Toro.



Don’t look at me like that.

I’ve had just about enough of your sass.
Just sit out here and think about what you’ve done



I’ll be back in a hour

And we’ll be finishing what we started…



(Special thanks to my mother who can give hell like no one else on earth and has instilled in my the same frightening capacity for verbal abuse.)




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