Has anybody seen my spleen?
It doesn't look THAT far to dry land. I could probably make it. And live out my life there. Clinging to the cliffs. And eating grubs.
Because I’m pretty sure it was expelled out of me during my one-woman recreation of a Roman vomitorium yesterday on the ‘Blue Dolphin’. Maybe that’s it there? Stuck to the side of the boat?
You know, the last time I was on a catamaran (exactly two years ago in the British Virgin Islands) I went into hypothermia and was shaking like a nudist at Everest base camp. This time I was seriously considering throwing myself overboard and floating to shore (dead or alive). Either I’m high-maintenance, or I don’t belong on the sea. Or both.
To sucker innocent victims into this expensive near-death experience, they offer up the following quotes:
“Our cruise with you was the highlight of our vacation. The Na Pali coast was so beautiful!”
–Ed and Billie, California
No. Really. I am smiling. This is what it looks like when I smile .
“Great boat, great crew, great fun!”
–Rodger and Sue, Florida
I’ve got a few quotes they’re welcome to use:
“I didn’t know it was possible to throw up something I ate last week! Or was that an internal organ?”
–Vanessa, Washington
“I lost ten pounds in five hours! I feel like an Olsen twin!”
–Vanessa, Washington
Sadly I have no pictures of the Na Pali coast that don't include my hideous 'I hate the f-ing ocean' grimace. Ah, memories!
“Very attentive staff! Thanks for the constant supply of ginger ale, worthless advice, and paper towels to wipe the vomit off my face!”
–Vanessa, Washington
Seriously, I threw up ON someone. And within the first hour. She was very nice about it, and even called me ‘honey.’ All I could offer as consolation was that the cinnamon roll and pineapple now decorating her shirt were fresh – I had only eaten them about 20 minutes earlier. Later, both she and her husband were in the back with me, expelling the contents of their stomachs onto the boat walls and praying for death. The sea does not discriminate.
Along the way, in between guttural moans and mild hallucinations, I vaguely noted the presence of the Na Pali coast (famous from the opening scenes of the movie Jurassic Park). The memory is hazy, as I could only really see through one squinty, tear-filled eye. I think it was green. But I wouldn’t swear to that.
This is more or less exactly how I remember the trip.
Screw you, Na Pali coast. I’ll see you in Hell!!!
Tags: getting seasick, Hawaii travel, Humor, I hate the sea, Kauai travel, Life, Na Pali Coast, Na Pali Coast Kauai, Na Pali Coast seasick, Na Pali Coast travel, seasick, seasick on a catamaran, seasick on an expensive boat tour, seasick on an expensive catamaran tour, The ocean can kiss my @ss, Travel
Successful trip then ??
I haven’t really travelled by water very much. I went on a couple of ferries from the UK to France and back, and felt rough, but not rough enough to be sick. And we went on one of those hydrofoil ferries to Jersey. That was reasonably uneventful too, bar accidentally throwing a hot chocolate over the first floor railing to the floor below when we caught a wave, and alas missing everybody below.
P.S. – lovin the tag ” The Ocean can kiss my @ss “
According to the ever-so-helpful staff, “If you spend enough time on the sea, you’ll get sick!” I think they were trying to make me feel like a hearty, weathered seafaring adventurer rather than a sucker paying a bunch of money to throw up everywhere.
I’m done though. I will never set foot on a catarmaran again. Unless I’m already dead and my family decides to bury me at sea. In that case, put me right out in front!
p.s.
Now that I’ve thrown up all over a stranger’s chest, I can assert that the hot chocolate baptism probably would’ve been even better than you imagine. Sure, the first few seconds are mortifying…but then it becomes (and stays!) almost unbearably funny.
Maybe you could re title the blog. Down the pineapple hole…and UP again.
Oh, there are tears running down my face.
Nothing like a little public humiliation, to build character.
I have a joyful story I could title: Playdough Barbershop at the Department Store. It is the charming tale of wearing pantyhose while publicly experiencing food poisoning.
Oh, BTW, I think I saw your spleen on Rt 81. It was chatting with a lovely deer that appears to have seen the underside of many vehicles.
I am truly intrigued as to the facts and circumstances of “Playdough Barbershop at the Department Store”. The mind boggles…
(Although I do remember the Playdoh Barbershop fondly. Good stuff!)
If your experience was like mine, after a while you don’t even care who sees you get sick. It becomes a badge of honor.