Archive for February, 2009

No good deed goes unpunished

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

Injured good Samaritan ticketed for jaywalking

Damn! I wonder if thats an accurate statistic? We are TOUGH on our pedestrians in this country. Dont walk in front of my car, boy. I will mow you down like an overgrown lawn.

Damn! We are HARSH with our pedestrians in this country. Don't walk in front of my car when it's in motion, boy. I will mow you down like an overgrown lawn.

DENVER – A good Samaritan who helped push three people out of the path of a pickup truck before being struck and injured has gotten a strange reward for his good deed: A jaywalking ticket.

Family members said 58-year-old bus driver Jim Moffett and another man were helping two elderly women cross a busy Denver street in a snowstorm when he was hit Friday night.

Moffett suffered bleeding in the brain, broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a possible ruptured spleen. He was in serious but stable condition Wednesday.

The Colorado State Patrol issued the citation. Trooper Ryan Sullivan said that despite Moffett’s intentions, jaywalking contributed to the accident.

Moffett had been driving his bus when the two women got off. In the interest of safety, he got out and, together with another passenger, helped the ladies cross.

Moffett’s stepson, Ken McDonald, said the driver of the pickup plowed into his stepfather, but not before Moffett pushed the two women out of the way.

When he awoke in intensive care, he learned of the ticket. “His reaction was dazed and confused. I was a little angry,” said McDonald.

The other man also was cited for jaywalking, while the pickup driver was cited with careless driving that led to injury. Sullivan said the two elderly women haven’t been cited but the investigation is ongoing.


Nothing says loser like branding yourself with the CA Penal Code for murder.

Nothing says loser like branding yourself with the CA Penal Code for homicide.

Good for you, Denver. There’s nothing I love more than seeing Johnny Law get aggressive with self-important hero types. Crack down on these micreants! I say throw the book at them. It’s time merely being elderly was a crime!

I, for one, would like to see the whole lot of them hit with several charges including intent to distribute, cruelty to animals, vandalism, trespassing, and – of course – murder. Look, these broads are old. They don’t have much time left to join a gang and get street cred. How are they supposed to earn the respect of the other gangbangers if they don’t have a legitimate ’187′  prison tat on their chests? Send them down for murder, and do an old lady a solid.

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Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?

Friday, February 27th, 2009
If they have nerve enough to charge me a pound, youd better believe Im going to be flushing bottles, diapers, and lit cigarettes down the loo.

If they have nerve enough to charge me a pound, you'd better believe I'm going to be flushing bottles, diapers, and lit cigarettes down the loo.

Go ahead Ryanair.

Bring it.


Just don’t come crying to me when I ‘accidentally’ wet myself while sitting in one of your oh-so-comfortable and hopefully stain-resistant seats.





Ryanair says to charge toilet fee – or maybe not

Fri Feb 27, 8:04 am ET

Ryanair’s chief executive said Europe’s largest budget carrier might start charging passengers for using the toilet while flying, but his spokesman cautioned Michael O’Leary often just made things up at will.

“One thing we have looked at in the past and are looking at again is the possibility of maybe putting a coin slot on the toilet door so that people might actually have to spend a pound to spend a penny in future,” O’Leary told BBC television.

He said this would not inconvenience passengers travelling without cash. “I don’t think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound.”

A spokesman said the airline had considered the fee as a possible source of extra revenue since passengers had the option of not using the toilet on board, but added that “maybe O’Leary was just taking the p*** this morning.”

“Michael makes a lot of this stuff up as he goes along and while this has been discussed internally there are no immediate plans to introduce it,” Stephen McNamara said in a statement.



Reading this, it occurs to me: There really aren’t enough whack job CEOs in the world. It’s good to see Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary doing his part and taking a little of the weight off Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer and Whole Food’s John Mackey (megalomaniac extraordinaire).


As for Ballmer: First this, and then Bill Gates’ recent unstable behavior? I think they need to check the air ducts in the executive wing of the Microsoft offices. 


(And – not that you care – but this kind of corporate pep rally stuff makes my skin crawl)


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Do-It-Yourself Crocodile Relocation

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

You would think the day would come when I’d go to look for some stupid news to make fun of and come up dry. You’d be wrong.

Using magnets to repel crocodiles

This American crocodile is having a total Godzilla moment and praising the sweet Lord for keeping the magnets off his head.

This American crocodile is having a total Godzilla moment and praising the sweet Lord for keeping the magnets off his head.

MIAMI (Reuters) – Florida wildlife managers have launched an experiment to see if they can keep crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods by temporarily taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their “homing” ability.

Researchers at Mexico’s Crocodile Museum in Chiapas reported in a biology newsletter they had some success with the method, using it to permanently relocate 20 of the reptiles since 2004.

“We said, ‘Hey, we might as well give this a try,” Lindsey Hord, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission‘s crocodile response coordinator, said on Tuesday.

Crocodiles are notoriously territorial and when biologists move them from urban areas to new homes in the wild, they often go right back to the place where they were captured, traveling up to 10 miles a week to get there.

Scientists believe they rely in part on the Earth’s magnetic fields to navigate, and that taping magnets to both sides of their heads disorients them.

“They’re just taped on temporarily,” Hord said. “We just put the magnets on when they’re captured and since they don’t know where we take them, they’re lost. The hope would be that they stay where we take them to.”

Hord and his co-workers have tried it on two crocodiles since launching the experiment in January, affixing “a common old laboratory magnet” to both sides of the animals’ heads. One got run over by a car and died, but the other has yet to return, Hord said.

Once an endangered species, American crocodiles’ numbers have rebounded to nearly 2,000 in coastal south Florida, their only habitat in the continental United States. That puts them in increasing contact with humans, especially in areas where backyards border on canals around Miami and the Florida Keys.

“This one is by no means a really well-developed scientific study with a control group. It’s just something we thought we would try,” Hord said.


You can thank me for sparing you the image of all the Jackass guys in thongs. My retinas are still burning.

You can thank me for sparing you the image of all the Jackass guys in thongs. My retinas are still burning.



Wait a minute. This sounds kind of familiar. Is part of the original cast of Jackass now working for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission??? 



If the magnets don’t work, the ‘scientists’ plan to fashion cone hats for the crocodiles out of aluminum foil, suspecting it may throw off their ‘homing’ ability AND protect them from alien brain waves.



And if THAT doesn’t work, they’re going to try taping empty cans of Bud Light to the crocodile’s heads. That, too, will by no means be a well-developed scientific study.




Meanwhile, I am considering getting in touch with Mr. Hord and offering my services. It so happens I have extensive experience in strapping a powerful magnet onto an animal and putting it out into the world. My pets have a special ‘raccoon proof’ pet door that only opens if they are wearing the special door opening tag, which turns out is just a crazy strong magnet.


If you ask me, the punishment fits the crime.

How strong? Well, strong enough that metal objects lift off the ground and ricochet onto their collars.  For a while there, Siddhartha (the cat) would prowl around construction sites, coming home with 3” long rusty roofing nails and industrial staples glued to his collar. I could only imagine him cruising along – cool in the way that only cats know how to be cool – when he hears the sound of a giant nail plastering itself to his neck.

“F-ck. Now I’ve gotta walk around like this all day”


On the upside, if I’m ever in need of a bobby pin or paper clip, I know where to go.


Considering how low to the ground they are, I can only imagine the surviving crocodile (the one that didn’t commit suicide by stepping in front of an oncoming car) has a wide variety of cans, nails, and other scrap metal stuck on either side of his head by now. It isn’t the lack of ‘homing’ device keeping him away.

It’s the shame.



Have spoon. Will travel.

Have spoon. Will travel.
  In other news, I’m thinking I just might just have to get some business cards printed up with “Crocodile Response Coordinator” on them. It has a certain ring to it…















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Addiction: It’s not just for controlled substances anymore

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Move over Narcotics Anonymous, there’s a new obsession in town.


Facebook A way to connect or gateway drug?

Facebook: A way to connect or gateway drug?

Cops: Man tries to steal laptop to check Facebook

BRADENTON, Fla. – Sheriff’s officers said a 19-year-old man snatched a Starbucks customers laptop after being told he could not use it to check his Facebook account. According to officers, the man then grabbed the customer’s laptop and ran out of the coffee shop, located in an outlet mall.

Two people in the parking lot tackled the man and held him there until a mall security guard arrived.

The victim got his laptop back and the man was charged Saturday with robbery by sudden snatching, a felony.



Clearly this man is suffering from Facebook Addiction.

I understand. I’ve danced too close to the flame.


We’ve all been there: Bleary-eyed at 2am, confirming friend requests from the boy who threw grape juice on you in nursery school, and setting up profiles for your dog. That’s normal.


I once had this crazy employee who was obsessive about eating healthy and organic EXCEPT she loved Strawberry Pop Tarts. And then if you had to give her a bad annual review I

Is it me, or are these just awful???


It’s when you form a group under the precedent that you will do something asinine and inadvisable if so many people join, or cannot make a move without documenting it on your page, that the trouble begins. You’ve seen the symptoms. You might even be friends with an addict. You know them; the people who are senselessly compelled to post their every boring thought or activity, all day long:








John is…hitting the snooze alarm

John is…awake

John is…brushing his teeth

John is…thinking maybe Cheerios for breakfast

John is…eating a Pop Tart

John is…realizing he burned his tongue while eating a Pop Tart

John is…writing an angry letter to the makers of Pop Tarts

John is…switching to Toaster Strudels indefinitely



Or maybe they’re just just valiantly completing their ‘25 random things’ while the kids go unbathed and dinner burns on the stove, under the misguided impression that they’re interesting or anyone actually cares.


But speaking of caring, the grand finale of Top Chef is on tonight, and I’ve got a novel to write that isn’t exactly going to finish itself (unfortunately), so between those obligations and my Facebook duties, I really don’t have any more time to pontificate on this here blog. Talk amongst yourselves…

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One more spa treatment the world doesn’t need

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

Add this to butt masks and caviar facials: If you people have this much money to burn, I am here for you day or night. When you need to lighten the load in your wallet, just call Vanessa. 

Baby needs a new pair of shoes.









Fish pedicure banned in Florida

Fish pedicures — the use of tiny, live carp to clean feet — have been made available in several Florida cosmetology salons in recent months. The treatment is popular in Asia and has spread to some U.S. cities. A client sticks feet, hands or other body parts in a bowl or pool, and the small fish chow down on soft decaying skin.

Now, Florida is banning the practice.

The Florida Board of Cosmetology, housed within the Department of Business and Professional Regulation, determined that fish pedicures are not permitted in salons because they violate two previously standing rules: one that prohibits animals or pets (excluding animals trained to assist the hearing impaired, visually impaired or the physically disabled) in salons and another that sets the standards for pedicure sanitation requirements.

If salons are found performing fish pedicures, the salon and the cosmetologist may be subject to citations and fines, a release said.

In the months since the pedicure practice first became popular, several states have banned it, including Texas, Washington, Massachusetts and New Hampshire.



Note to Florida Board of Cosmetology:

How about the third and most obvious reason to ban this?

It’s lose-your-lunch disgusting.

You couldn’t pay me to stick my feet in a tank full of flesh eating fish.  The picture alone makes me flinch.



If you can't feast on the one you love, love the one you're with. These are the little freaky manucurists of Cape Clear Island.

The freaky manicurists of Cape Clear Island and their can-do attitude: If you can't feast on the one you love, devour the one you're with.

You know, I’m disappointed in you, America. I thought this kind of weirdness was limited to Ireland. While there, I was offered a strikingly similar exfoliating treatment for free. (I can’t remember if I told you guys this at the time, so bear with me if it’s old news, because I’m telling this story again anyway):










In August, when I was in Cape Clear off the south coast of Ireland, the ferry boat driver told us that if you went swimming in Loch Ioral, on the east side of the island, you could receive a free pedicure (or Turkish bath, if you were so inclined). Apparently it was filled with thousands of tiny insects (I could swear he said insects. From the looks of them, they might be some kind of shellfish though? A mini crayfish or something?) that would eat off your dead skin. Yum.



Horrified and simultaneously intrigued, I headed straight to the lake, immediately noticing the ‘no swimming’ signs posted all around it. Unwilling to sacrifice a precious limb, I threw my apple core in instead. Within minutes, the equal opportunity parasites were swarming on the thing like soldiers on the beach in Normandy. “Just eat dead skin,” my ass. I think those babies would eat straight through to the marrow if given a chance. Why else the ‘no swimming’ signs?



Shudder. I wouldnt want to run into this thing in a dark alley.

Shudder. I wouldn't want to run into this thing in a dark alley.

Moreover,  I don’t know if we should be giving fish ideas like this. The Chinese have already introduced the missing link, rat-eating, landlubber; the Snakehead fish. Do we really need that thing developing a taste for human flesh? It’s a horror movie waiting to happen.









Case in point, the other night on a lark, I invited my dog onto the couch. He’s three years old and has never (at least not so far as I have born witness) had all four paws on the couch. Well, one evening eradicated over three years of semi-training and pseudo-discipline: he now thinks he OWNS the couch. You’ll be sitting on the couch, and he’ll get on up simply because he feels like it, and then if you make a sudden move or loud noise, he’ll sit up and look at you, delivering a piercing and intolerant gaze that seems to say, “Hey, Idiot. Keep it down over there. Some of us are trying to sleep.”


You give them an inch, or a job in a nail salon, or five minutes on a couch, and they’ll take a mile.




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