*but were afraid to ask.

So Valentine’s day is here, and it seems you have no game. Your nickname is Loser, you’re hard on the eyes, and your personality makes Nancy Grace look sane? In other words, Valentine’s day is just another night of jerkin the gherkin.

You’re a tough case, but it’s gonna be okay. Trust me. I’ve been watching The Millionaire Matchmaker, and although I think I’ve suffered some retina damage from the sight of the star crowbarred into a red polyester pant suit, I’ve picked up some tips.

What’s that? You’re not a millionaire?

***winces*** 

Hmmmmm…

"I'm not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases.”

All right. No worries. The internet is a treasure trove of random and unreliable information, and I am your willing tour guide. Let me assure you, with the right mix of lotions, potions, and Rohypnol, we can get you the valentine of your dreams.

Here’s what you need to do:

Get a vegetable tray. Apparently, asparagus, carrots, cucumbers and artichoke are suggestive of sex due to their phallic shape.

Now, I’m no woman, so I can’t say whether this will work or …. 

Oh wait, you’re right. I am a woman. Yeah, well, good luck with the vegetable tray.

Oh baby. How is that NOT an aphrodisiac?

Okay, scratch that, apparently ‘the ancients’ (whoever they were) recommended anise, salvia, gladiolus root, orchid bulbs, pistachio nuts, rocket/arugula, sea fennel, skink flesh, and river snails.

What’s that? No, not skunk flesh. SKINK flesh. I guess it’s some kind of lizard?

Come again? You heard that gladiolus roots are poisonous? Imagine that.Well, what can I say? “The ancients” worked in mysterious ways.

What? No, SALVIA, not saliva, What are you…???  Hey now! None of that! Keep your spit to yourself! I think it’s time we impose a ten foot rule. You come within ten feet of me, I zap you with this here stun gun. Capice?

Okay, are those zip ties too tight? You’re all right? You can still feel your hands? Okay, good.

Moving on, I found a few more ideas for you before I take off.

Horny goat weed. Looks like...a weed.

Horny Goat Weed – According to folklore, horny goat weed’s reputed aphrodisiac qualities were discovered when a Chinese goat herder noticed increased sexual activity in his flock after they ingested the weed.

You know, you look a little bit like a goat, so that might be a good match?

Fo-Ti – Fo-ti is also called he shou wu, which means “black-haired Mr. He” in Chinese. This name refers to a legend of an older villager named Mr. He who took fo-ti and restored his black hair, youthful appearance and sexual vitality.

***shrugs shoulders***

Muira Puama – Muira puama, also called “potency wood” is a small Brazilian tree that grows across the Amazon river basin. It has a long history of use in Brazilian folk medicine as an aphrodisiac.

What’s that? You don’t know where you’ll get any of this stuff on such late notice? Me? No. What do I look like, a Chinese herbalist?

Well aren’t we Mr. High Maintenance all of the sudden?

I tell you what, I’m gonna head out, but I’ll leave you with a small pair of scissors and three words that will change you life. I’m telling you, you get your hands on this stuff, and the ladies – or at least some kind of warm mammal – will come flocking to you.

Funky. Cold. Medina.

There you go. Keep it on the down low…..and Happy Valentine’s Day.

Tags: aphrodisiacs, bad pickup advice, bad romance advice, Funky Cold Medina, funny advice, funny stories, funny storytelling, Happy Valentine's Day, horny goat weed, Humor, humorous guide to aphrodisiacs, humorous love advice, humorous random observations, humorous romance advice, Life, Love, Millionaire Matchmaker, Millionaire Matchmaker is burning my eyes, Nancy Grace is wacko, Patti Stanger, Patti Stanger is burning my eyes, pointless random observations, Rohypnol, Tone Loc, Valentine's day, Valentine's day humor

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