If I Were a Sculptor, But Then Again…
Your friendly host, hard at work on yet another entertaining blog, and doing some unpaid product placement for Grape Nuts while she's at it.
So yesterday at the gym, I had an idea. It was around the time that I was using the chest press and marveling at my own weakness, and the guy with the giant steroid body and tiny little head walked by. I suppose the sight of him made it suddenly occur to me that half of these people belong in a zoo. Like if aliens ever come, they should stick a majority sampling of the individuals frequenting my local club into cages and give them some gym equipment and leave them be.
- Like the skinny Asian guy who does all the weights crazy fast, as if in some sort of ‘bad form’ speed competition.
- Or the old man that wears the tiny short shorts and then groans really loudly every time he lifts a weight so you’ll look at him.
- Or the lady who wears the slacks and button-down shirt and lifts free weights.
See? Look at the gathered crowd. And in the rain, no less. People love performance art! Or naked guys sitting in plastic bubbles. Either way.
Anyway, all these human oddities got me thinking about performance art. You know, where someone stages some kind of odd event – be it twenty people hula hooping at once, or the individuals mulling around Grand Central station becoming suddenly, eerily quiet all at the same time – in the name of art. Speaking of which, can you imagine being the guy wandering around Grand Central the day that happened and NOT realizing what was going on? Definitely an end-of-the world ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ moment, if ever there were.
At any rate, while musing on my own potential as a performer of the absurd, I decided that if I ever had the opportunity and the government funding, I would have someone build me a zoo habitat, and I’d hang out there for a couple weeks. I’m thinking a part land/part water habitat might be nice. Something like what they build for a hippo or the penguins, only not so cold. I could swim some laps, or maybe play with a ball.
That's what I'm talking about.
A couple times a day, they could bring me my food in a bucket, and toss individual shrimps or Chicken McNuggets into my mouth. I’d act either ferocious or friendly at my keeper’s approach, depending upon my mood. If you were in charge of my maintenance, you could never be sure if I’d hug you or try to swipe you with my paws (hands).
Once in a while they could introduce a new object into my habitat to keep me entertained and watch me interact with it, like a cardboard box or an old, discarded Christmas tree or a Nintendo Wii. Or maybe bring my dog by for a visit, and we he could kick my @ss at tug-of-war (like he usually does, only without an audience). Heck, bring me a Bow Flex, and I could do some unimpressive weight lifting or approach the machine in fear and awe like the monkeys with the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
And, of course, if you ‘accidentally’ fell into my cage, I would attack you with extreme prejudice. But remember: I am a national treasure, so you can’t fight back.
Tags: best humor blog, funny random stories, funny stories, funny storytelling, Humor, humorous observations, I am a 90-pound weakling, Life, penguins, performance art, pointless random observations, random humorous observations, random things that occur to me while lifting weights, random things that occur to me while working out, weird people at the gym, would somebody start paying me for this blog already!, zoo habitats
Lovin the picture, you have such a gorgeously groomed tail.
Now, you may want to have a rethink here. I’m thinking it may not be such a good idea, this Zoo thing, unless you’re a complete exhibitionist, in which case, its fine. You see, I’m also thinking that you’re very, how shall we shall we say……unique ?? and obviously as a one of a kind, you’d be considered close to extinction, and as such would be subject to a very closely monitored breeding program. The handlers, or pimps, call them what you will, would introduce a chosen mate, and would be recording the events for future study / amusement / X-Rated productions ( delete as applicable ).
But then you’d have to put up with press releases like:
…..On January 9, the National Zoo’s animal care team noticed increased interaction between our adult giant pandas, female Mei Xiang and male Tian Tian, including distinctive vocalizations that are associated with mating season. Staff immediately began monitoring Mei Xiang’s hormone levels…
and who needs that?
Mei was heard to mumble, loosely translated “Can’t a Panda get some privacy here?”
Why, thank you. I take a lot of pride in my tail, and that anti-rejection medication is no picnic. Every day it stays attached, I consider myself victorious over nature.
You both raise good points about privacy and prostitution, but for the right price – I’m thinking something in the high six/low seven figure range [dollar, pound, or Euro] – I will be setting up shop from my zoo habitat. Just don’t be throwing peanuts and popcorn into my cage. I’m on a special diet.