Forget the killer chimp: THIS is news!
Oh India, India, India…
God bless ya.
You make my life so much easier.
Boy marries dog to ward off tiger attacks
BHUBANESWAR, India – An infant boy was married off to his neighbors’ dog in eastern India by villagers, who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals, officials and witnesses said on Wednesday.
Around 150 tribespeople performed the ritual recently in a hamlet in the state of Orissa’s Jajpur district after the boy, who is under two years old, grew a tooth on his upper gum.
The Munda tribe see such a growth in young children as a bad omen and believe it makes them prone to attacks by tigers and other animals. The tribal god will bless the child and ward off evil spirits after the marriage.
“We performed the marriage because it will overcome any curse that might fall on the child as well on us,” the boy’s father, Sanarumala Munda, was quoted as saying by a local newspaper.
The groom, Sagula, was carried by his family in a procession to the village temple, where a priest solemnized the marriage between Sagula and his bride, Jyoti, by chanting Sanskrit hymns, a witness said.
The dog belongs to the groom’s neighbors and was set free to roam around the area after the ceremony. No dowry was exchanged, the witness said, and the boy will still be able to marry a human bride in the future without filing for divorce.
Indian law does not recognize weddings between people and animals, but the ritual survives in rural and tribal areas of the country.
I have no problem with this.
In fact, I freaking love it.
Consider me the new poster child of human/dog matrimony. If I’d known that marrying my dog would protect me from being killed by a wild animal, I would’ve done so long ago. I wonder if it works both ways? I’ve got those big polar bear plans, you know.
As a side note, does a maniac chimpanzee that’s taking more prescription pills than Heath Ledger, knows how to surf the internet, and has starred in such (unmemorable) television commercials as Old Navy and Coke count as a wild animal? I think so. In fact, considering all the hype, I think I could be onto a killer (no pun intended!) business idea here: Get ordained as a minister in some kind of wackadoo religion and offer my services in marrying people to their dogs!
I’m so confident that this is a sure thing, I’ve even worked up a quick Q&A for any potentially interested parties. Give her a look, and let me know your thoughts:
Q: What if there are five of us in the family, and only one dog? Do we have to get more dogs?
A: No! Dog polygamy is perfectly acceptable. You can even marry your dog off to your neighbor’s children if they don’t have a pet, but have some hinky teeth coming in and desire protection from wild animal maulings. Hell, charge a fee while you’re at it. And maybe give them a referral to a good orthodontist? Sounds like they’re gonna need it.
Q: What’s included in this overpriced ‘protective marriage package’?
A: I’m a bit offended, but I’m going to answer that anyway: For the limited-time low, low price of only $799, I will marry you and your canine over the phone AND, utilizing the magic of Photoshop, provide a gorgeous memory book of the special occasion for future generations to enjoy and puzzle over for years to come. For a very minor upcharge, I will even throw in my version of Sanskrit chanting.
Q: I have money to burn! Screw all the ‘in this economy’ talk! Over the phone isn’t good enough! Will you come to my home and perform the ceremony there?
A: Perhaps. If you live in Hawaii, Florida, Manhattan, or southern California, OR reside on any island nation (except Iceland, Great Britain, Ireland, and Bahrain), this can be arranged. Naturally, you’ll be responsible for covering 110% of my expenses, and I only fly first class and drink Dom Perignon when you’re footing the bill. Otherwise, enjoy your Photoshopped photo album.
Q: I don’t have a dog, but I would like to marry my cat. Can you help me?
A: What are you, an idiot? Everybody knows that the only protection you get from marrying a cat is assurance that you will never get your arm caught in the garbage disposal while your house is burning down. You may as well marry a hamster while you’re at it!
Q: What’s wrong with marrying a hamster?
A: Were you born yesterday? First off, they can only see up to six inches in front of them, which means they are almost as blind as I am. You don’t need any more of that bum DNA running around.
Second, they have anywhere from six to 24 babies AT ONE TIME, so you know that while you’re sleeping, they’re cleaning out your wallet and siphoning money out of your bank account to cover the cost of all those fertility pills and in-vitro fertilizations. Plus, then they turn around and eat half of them, so you can’t even get good press or sympathetic donations.
Lastly, and I’m really kind of surprised you didn’t already know this, but the only protection you get from marrying a hamster is a slight increase in your ability to ward off evil wizards and Haitian zombies created during a partial eclipse. In other words, worthless.
Q: Does the fact that I’m married to my dog mean that I can have sex with him or her?
A: Absolutely not! That’s revolting, and I’m outraged and horrified that you would even ask me such a thing! Don’t ever call this number again. You disgust me.
***sound of dial tone***
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