Archive for April, 2009

Plain, old $%&*@#!!! mad

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

For the second time in a row…

For the second day in a row…

I wrote a lengthy (and no doubt genius) post and hit ‘save’ and then it disappeared into the ethers.

The first was about Burmese pythons taking over the world.

And tonight’s was about this ridiculous writing contest where I really need the prize money, but choke in disgust on the topic (“Roses on the windshield – Barftastic stories of smooshy love and stuff.”)

And it’s late.
And tomorrow I fly across the state and hopefully don’t contract swine flu.

steamyA word to all travelers with fluish symptoms with plans to board planes in Washington state tomorrow (the Typhoid Marys, if you will): If you infect me with your freaky mutated multi-animal gened flu bug, and I get it, and I die, I will haunt your @ss into the grave. And then I’ll haunt your ancestors.

Why not? I’m dead. I have nothing better to do.

Jacob Marley will have nothing on me.
I’ll be out there with the chains and the moaning and the midnight shrieks and the door slamming and the super-scary ‘dining room chairs stacked up in a pyramid on top of the table’ trick. That’s some spooky sh*t. It will not be good for your stress level.

Remember that movie with Michelle Pfieffer? I’ll run your bathtub and overflow it and show up in it all seaweed-y and angry and scary as hell floating in the water. And I’ll write on your steamed-up mirror. Stuff like “Oink. Oink.” and “You suck!”

You like that?

I didn’t think so.

So keep your freaky germs to yourself.

You’ve been warned…

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You hear that sound?

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

That’s the sound of my brain melting.

Smells kinda good, doesn’t it?

Giant Mystery Blob Discovered Near Dawn of Time

A newly found primordial blob may represent the most massive object ever discovered in the early universe, researchers announced today.

The gas cloud, spotted from 12.9 billion light-years away, could signal the earliest stages of galaxy formation back when the universe was just 800 million years old.

Ah, yes. Of course. NOW I remember when this happened...

Ah, yes. Of course. NOW I remember when this happened...

A light-year is the distance light travels in a year, about 6 trillion miles (10 trillion kilometers). An object 12.9 billion light-years away is seen as it existed 12.9 billion years ago, and the light is just now arriving.

 The cloud predates similar blobs, known as Lyman-Alpha blobs, which existed when the universe was 2 billion to 3 billion years old. Researchers named their new find Himiko, after an ancient Japanese queen with an equally murky past.


Himiko holds more than 10 times as much mass as the next largest object found in the early universe, or roughly the equivalent mass of 40 billion suns. At 55,000 light years across, it spans about half the diameter of our Milky Way Galaxy.

Lyman-Alpha blobs remain a mystery because existing telescopes have a hard time peering so far back to nearly the dawn of the universe.

Himiko sits right on the doorstep of an era called the reionization epoch, which lasted between 200 million and 1 billion years after the Big Bang. That’s when the universe had just emerged from its cosmic dark ages and had begun brightening through the formation of stars and galaxies. Hot, energized hydrogen gas from that time period has allowed astronomers to begin seeing some objects — as much good as it does to squint at such fuzzy blobs.

Okay, so wha…?




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Reunited and it feels so good…

Friday, April 24th, 2009

Okay, are you ready for this?
Are you seated?

This blog post is coming to you from my new old computer!!!!

Me, a broken motherboard (which Im willing to let go of for a bargain price of $99!!!), and a still-alive dog. Life is good.

Me, a broken motherboard (which I'm willing to let go of and sell to you for a bargain price of $99!!!), and a still-alive dog. Life is good.

It’s back!

I had to call them to learn it was repaired…but let’s not sweat the details.

And in case you thought those brain dead, weed-soaked losers at the computer place just PRETENDED to swap out my motherboard with a used motherboard for a mere $400 USD…well, take a gander at the picture posted here. They gave me part of a stereo and sold me on a fairytaleland story that this uber-electronic piece of whatever was the old motherboard. Or maybe it really is the old motherboard?

Whatever. What the hell do I know motherboard from Ouija board?

Anyway, I’m happy to have it back. Basically unaltered. Still of the smudgy screen and food-filled keyboard. But actually turning on and still with those (better be goddamn brilliant at these prices) first ten pages of the new book.


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I thought bad luck came in threes?

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

379471_broken_mirror_4Did someone change the ratio on me while I wasn’t looking?

So now it’s like three to the power of three or something? 27 random lame events, and the cycle shifts? Must be that…

So last we spoke, the computer repair people gave me some lame story about how the motherboard they (allegedly) ordered a week ago arrived damaged and so they (allegedly) ordered a new one and that takes (an alleged) week. Did you know motherboards can only be shipped via donkey?

Neither did I, but that certainly does clear up the mystery as to why they’re damaged so easily.

Oh, and those pot heads were supposed to call me today to give me the UPS tracking number, but didn’t. Imagine that. I presume they got tied up eating Doritos and looking at internet porn.


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My head hurts

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

And it’s late.

And I have more or less blown through this day, and have mere seconds left to finish, publish, and ultimately count this blog post as ‘today.’

In other news, the people fixing my laptop are meth heads.

Or huffing glue.

Or something.

I called them yesterday to check on the (painfully slow) repair process, and they called back today with some story (that just screamed ‘lie! lie! lie!’) that they received the motherboard yesterday, but it was damaged in shipment.

Yes. They blamed UPS. And claimed this happens regularly. How original.

I suppose they told the last customer that the shop dog ate their motherboard (and don’t get me started on dogs, by the way. Mine needs a shrink. Since the puke fest Sunday, when I give him a peanut butter cookie [for dogs, made by Trader Joe's, and in no way associated with his barftastic episode Sunday] he cries and cries and cries and roams around acting like he’s going to go outside and bury it. Great. Do they make Haldol for dogs? Is dog schizophrenia a valid disorder? He’s the right age to go nuts – early 20′s in human years.)


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