Colossal, mutant, swollen ovaries

Wha…?

You’re still here?

Even with that title?

And you honestly want to read whatever goes with a title like that?

(Weirdos.)

Man, what it is going to take to get rid of you people? Something extremely wrong and possibly illegal, it seems.

(Sickos.)

Nevertheless, as long as you’re here…

That's a quarter...for context.

That's a quarter...for context.

To be perfectly honest, I was going to call this post “The fine art of growing inedible vegetables,” but then I did a little research and learned that the alternative title was entirely appropriate in an inappropriate way.

So I decided to go with it instead.

There were, of course, the standard word choice dilemmas: Do I call the ovaries behemoth or monstrous or maybe just honking…but colossal spoke to me in a Colonel Sanders meets Coliseum kind of way.

Batter up!

Batter up!

So what the hell are you reading about, anyway?

As it turns out, nothing all that exciting.

Basically – as you probably know (unless you’re Jose) – I was gone for a couple weeks. And in that time, my garden produced not one, not two, but three sperm whales.

Okay, not whales so much as baseball bats.

Okay, not baseball bats so much as ridiculously oversized zucchini.

Which – by the way – I believe they call ‘courgettes’ in Great Britain (or else this oddball British guy in a hostel somewhere in Europe was screwing with me that he didn’t know what a ‘zucchini’ was just to seem interesting or compelling in an annoying way or whatever bad ideas go through the head of odd guys from Britain. Perhaps someone out there can illuminate???)

Twins. Twice the work. Twice the joy.

Twins. Twice the work. Twice the joy.

Anyway, in the interest of stretching this minor and only mildly entertaining incident into an entire blog, I looked up zucchinis on Wikipedia (I would think – and hope – by now you guys realize that my purpose in life was to wait around for the internet to be created, [Thanks, Al Gore!!!] and then look stupid stuff up. It’s not much of a calling, but it’s what I’ve got.)

So during the course of my always-compelling research, I learned some alarming and freaky facts that have caused me to relocate the offending vegetable body parts onto the back deck.

Read and learn:

“In a culinary context, zucchini is treated as a vegetable. Botanically, however, the zucchini is an immature fruit, being the swollen ovary of the female zucchini flower.”

Ummm….what!? Gross! (That fact  right there was enough to compel me to take the monsters outside. I don’t need no competition from any other ovaries in my own home…)

“Zucchini, like all summer squash, has its ancestry in the Americas. While most summer squash were introduced to Europe during the time of European colonization of the Americas, zucchini is Italian in origin. It was the result of spontaneously occurring mutations (also called “sports”).”

Nice how the Italians call mutations “sports”. Do they also call freaks “funs” and monsters “entertainments”?

Way to be misleading, Italy.

“Mature zucchini can be as much as three feet long, but are often fibrous and not appetizing to eat.”

Tell me about it.

“Zucchini with the flowers attached are a sign of a truly fresh and immature fruit, and are especially sought by many people.”

What people? People, if you’re out there, can you call me? I can get you what you’re looking for. They ain’t cheap, but it’s worth it. Right???

“In 2005, a poll of 2,000 people revealed the zucchini (courgette???) to be the Britain’s 10th favorite culinary vegetable.”

Woo hoo!

Tenth place!

Let’s see…gold, silver, bronze… So tenth place is what? Aluminum? Tin? Cardboard?

That is a fact so boring and worthless, it is barely worth repeating. In fact, I urge you not to repeat it, lest you drive off an otherwise interested potential mate.

“One good way to control over-abundance is to harvest the flowers, which are an expensive delicacy in markets because of the difficulty in storing and transporting them.”

Again, would someone looking for this expensive zucchini crap please contact me? I can set you up…for a price.


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8 Responses to “Colossal, mutant, swollen ovaries”

  1. Joseph R. Oller III

    Ha, ha, ha…!
    Touché!

    So you don’t eat those, nor anything? What is it, then? Just a “zucchinship”?
    LOL!

    p.s. In spanish, “calabacín”, plural “calabacines”.

  2. JR O. Aymat

    Yesterday I had this cucurbitaceous dream in which you appeared crouched in sexy red shorts, holding seventeen big-as-skulls zucchini in between your thighs, with a twinkle in your tusk and a perfidous threatening look in your eyes.

    Strange, how vividly that image remains in my mind…

    Or wasn’t that just a dream…?
    LOL!

  3. wideawakeinwonderland

    It was just a dream.
    And clearly you should see a Freudian analyst about the disturbing images being sent to you by your subconscious.
    Good luck with that!

  4. Frothy Afterbirth

    Normally I would insert something dirty here but since this family like blog (?), I’ll keep my mouth shut. Or erm more apt, keep my fingers from typing it out. heheheheh

  5. Frothy Afterbirth

    OK so I forgot to ask, what are you going to do with them? Zucchini casseroles have to be the best bet but that’s a lot of veggie or fruity even for a family of four.

  6. wideawakeinwonderland

    I never really considered it a ‘family’ blog. I think the filter is that my dad reads it (as do some of his friends), so I have a self-imposed line of demarkation. The line is based on the time we watched that movie with Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney ‘From Dusk Til’ Dawn.” Somewhere midway through Cheech Marin’s pussy speech, things got awkward, and I determined that some subjects should never, ever come up when you’re with your dad.

    As a strange irony, I had a dream last night that I did NOT impose said line of demarkation and got into some subject matter that was not, shall we say, Dad-friendly…and the fall out was not so fun. I believe the words ‘ashamed’ and ‘embarrassed’ were thrown around rather extensively.

    So I suppose I try to keep it PG-13 – with the occasional slide into ‘R’ for hard language. You’ve got to do what you can to keep out the riff-raff, but….what am I saying???? I’m talking to someone with the handle “Frothy Afterbirth”. The riff raff is not only here; I’ve rolled out the red carpet.
    Go ahead and say whatever the hell you want!

  7. wideawakeinwonderland

    No good plan.
    I think they’re too big to be edible in any form – even zucchini bread.
    Currently they are decorating my kitchen table.
    Carved out, they would make a nice canoe for a seafaring cat. (???)

  8. Frothy Afterbirth

    Hey I’m more than just riff raff. Put in another “r” wordage like royal, reputed or refined!. My handle is not as dirty as it sounds once you get the meaning even though I, that is my persona in the real world or in digital can be considered filthy, but in my opinion for a well mannered fellow like myself. Hell, I’m so googlable (is that a word?) and almost found all over the place.Though I must add some guys with an ax to grind against me like to use my alias and pretend to be me. I always end up e-fighting them; doesn’t bother me one bit that it looks childish. Anyway it’s a long story about my name that has be told later. Trust me about me. ;)

    I forgot what Cheech said and need to rewatch From Dusk ‘Till Dawn.

    As for zucchinis, I was going more for a stretch of the imagination. The word “stretch” really being the emphasis here. Suffice to say, I’m pointing to the visual and not a figurative example. I think you’re intelligent enough to know where I’m going here but if I did speak so openly bold than possibly my ip could be excommunicated forever!

    Anyway zucchini rockets, no one has done this. So get yourself to the closest hobby shop and go for it, video it = instant YouTube viral success story.