Act Now! Operators Are Standing By!
This is the DEAL OF A LIFETIME.
Hurry! Time is running out to add these adorable, loving, greeting card-ready, I Can Haz Cheezeburger-cover model, YouTube-friendly, urinating twosome to your pet menagerie!
Check out the specs:
Chester and Jake, a tuxedo cat, are available for adoption!
Awwwww....
Chester and Jake are a very bonded cat/dog pair that we would not like to separate. Jake is a 10 yr old mix. Chester is a 10 year old DSH cat. The two lost their home when their owners were forclosed upon. They are a good pair, the only issue is working on the housebreaking, as Jake sometimes lifts his leg and then Chester feels the need to pee on top of it.”
Wrrrrtttttt!?!?!?
Back that up…
What was that last part again?
Jake sometimes lifts his leg and then Chester feels the need to pee on top of it.
So let me get this straight…
The 100-pound half of the couple will douse everything I own with a firehose of urine and the small black one will add a veneer of ammonia to the already intolerable situation?
SWEET!
I do have to say, a dear friend – a wonderful person and a foster parent to animals – posted this pair on Facebook with the caption “LOVE THEM!!!!!” which was enough to get me to follow the link to Petfinders and discover the horrible, horrible truth.
(Home foreclosure, my ass. More like dropped off in a urine-soaked crate filled with urine-soaked blankets in the middle of the urine-soaked night.)
If only the writer of this ad would’ve contacted me about appropriate spin.
I probably would have suggested something more like this:
Chester and Jake, a tuxedo cat, are available for adoption!
Awwwwww!!!!
Chester and Jake are a very bonded cat/dog pair that we would not like to separate. They are both ten, so the dog is not going to last much longer, which might be good news for any of you that are willing to commit…but only for so long.
The two lost their home when their owners realized that there is only so much urine one human being can take. They are a good pair, the only issue is copious, copious amounts of tinkle all over whatever you are unfortunate enough to care about.
p.s.
If you don’t care about the whole uncontrollable peeing thing, PLEASE adopt this heart-meltingly sweet pair (and laugh all the way to the bank on the greeting card royalties).
p.p.s.
Damn.
That really is stupid cute, isn’t it?
I’m almost willing to overlook the whole piss situation.
Almost.
p.p.p.s.
You know what is soooo weird?
The night before I saw this post (and I SWEAR I am not making this up), I had a dream that I adopted (stole…long story) a pittbull mix. In the dream mine was male. Which is no-can-do with Dozer. But I brought him home anyway, and after a fight with my real-life dog, some friends came over, and my new stolen pittbull mix lifted its leg and unloaded about three gallons of urine all over my bookshelf. And someone brought a bucket over mid-piddle and it didn’t even come close to catching the tidal wave.
Urine was rushing at us like a tsunami.
p.p.p.p.s.
I think that dream is a sign.
Or not.
Awwwwww!!!!!
p.p.p.p.p.s.
Unrelated to all this tinkle talk, I just had the best Halloween costume idea EVER.
If only I could figure out how to get a big black star over Dozer’s right eye a la Paul Stanley of Kiss.
That would be f*cking Starchild hilarious!!!
Seriously, any thoughts on how I pull that off (black eye shadow? Black food coloring?) on a dog??? Any (reasonable) ideas are most welcome!!!
Tags: Damn these two are cute but..., Dog Kiss costumes, Dog Kiss Halloween costume, dog pees and then cat pees on top of it, Dog Starchild costume, God help me - this pair will probably never be adopted, Hard to adopt pets, Having your dog be Paul Stanley for Halloween, Housebreaking, Humor, I would like my dog to be Paul Stanley of Kiss this Halloween, Kiss, Kiss Halloween costumes, Life, Paul Stanley, Pet adoption, Pet adoption humor, Pet housebreaking issues, Pet piss, Pet rescue, Pet rescue humor, Pet urinating issues, Pets that I would adopt but for the piss, Pets that will have a hard time getting adopted, Starchild, The Starchild, uncontrollable urinating pets, Urinating adoptee pets, urinating pets
Grotesque, I concurr. And Google “Dog Makeup” and see what you get that’s tested on animals, a conundrum.
Suspect you’ve read this, but your legions of followers might enjoy this book promoting farce, as it were. Not sure if you’re done editing your 2nd novel. Your writing is intense, precise, self-reflecting/criticizing, in-your-face, and very witty.
Taking it in chronological order. But this seemed to be related to your prime directive, “How to exist exquisitely as an writer”
“To start: Do you blog? If not, get in touch with Kris and Christopher from our online department, although at this point I think only Christopher is left. I’ll be out of the office from tomorrow until Monday, but when I get back I’ll ask him if he spoke to you. We use CopyBuoy via Hoster Broaster, because it streams really easily into a Plaxo/LinkedIn yak-fest meld. When you register, click “Endless,” and under “Contacts” just list everyone you’ve ever met. It would be great if you could post at least six hundred words every day until further notice.
…”
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/10/19/091019sh_shouts_weiner
“an” writer? Sorry. “a writer” .
I know someone who continually refers to my “legions of followers” but I don’t think they know how to spell chronological (let alone exquisitely) and they certainly don’t read The New Yorker, so I suppose that makes you someone else.
Book is edited (and almost worthy) to page 170, and if I can keep to a slave-like schedule, it’ll be done in three weeks (two if I go nuts…in a good way).
I spent some time whining (because it turns out the edit was in large part a total re-write), but now it’s coming together in a way that makes me happy.
And I’m increasingly convinced that there’s a sucker out there just waiting to throw big money at the first half-decent book set 100 years in the future he sees!
I logged on to write a blog about meeting Dave Attell (!!!) and being included in his act (!!!!!) as an object of mockery, but my migraine is being a jerk, so I’ll do it tomorrow.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
I think that you can use veggie based paints for dog-painting.
Check out http://www.whypaintcats.com/
Yours Sincerely,
A wonderful person and animal fosterer.
:0)
I’m on it!
Veggie-based tempera and one ‘Starchild’ Alaskan Malamute coming up!!!