Coming soon to an airport near you!

Completely superfluous and unnecessary processes dreamed up by the United States Transportation Security Administration (TSA) in order to make themselves appear useful and/or alleviate job boredom!

There must be a rule that you have to be a certain amount overweight (and love beer) to qualify.

(And guess which one is actually real!)

• Driver’s license height/weight honesty evaluation – Because if you’re willing to deceive the DMV you fat, lying, 5’4” bastard, who knows what else you’re hiding?
• Carry-on luggage overhead military press - If you can’t bench press it, we clearly need to examine every single article inside it. Look! A shiny ball!
• Sbarro pizza slice poison prevention taste test – We’re only looking out for your safety. Sbarro poisoning is the 137th leading cause of airport death.
• Ass width measurement - Because there’s nothing worse than getting on board and realizing you don’t actually fit, you fat, lying, 5’4” bastard. (In order to prevent claims of discrimination, you’ll find the TSA agents may also measure those with backsides that might be described as a shapely or slender or small or fine. Just doing our job.)
• Water vapor testing strip administration – because one mutinous vapor can take down a whole plane
• Palm reading – You may not know you’re a terrorist, but your life line and that mole on your index finger don’t lie.
• Pop quizzes – “How much cash is in your wallet?” “Have you ever been to Dubuque? How about a rest stop in the state of Arkansas?” “What’s’ a four-letter word for light blue?”
• “Promptly chug-a-lug that Starbucks in your hand, sir” bladder density tests. Because nobody likes a wet seat, whether drenched with coffee or…other stuff.
• Pull my finger – It’s amazing what we can get people to do just because we’re wearing cheap, polyester government-issued uniforms!

Seriously though, the vapor strip thing is ‘real.’ As I was walking up to the boarding gate at the Orlando airport last night, my ticket in my outstretched hand, a TSA administrator with a gigantic beer belly stretching the capacity of his button-down shirt to its very limits, appeared out of nowhere and asked to ‘test my water.’ At first I thought he was trying to pick me up and had really, really bad timing, but then I realized he was serious. So after confirming I heard him correctly, I screwed the lid off and watched as he waved a little white litmus strip over the top of the bottle like a magic wand. And absolutely nothing happened. And he declared my water – bought just three minutes earlier from the news stand fifteen feet behind us – a clean, clear, vaporless water-like substance.

This is the Total Recall image I mention below the picture right below this one.

Thank god I hadn’t dumped it out and replaced the contents with vodka.

That would have been hard to explain.

Meanwhile, I bet I could make a killing importing those strips into Bermuda.

Those five-legged toads would make me want to test my rain water vapors, and what’s easier to read than a ‘no news is good news’ strip?

White means it’s all right!

I found this image on the TSA blog. It's apparently what they can see with those body scanner things. Remember that movie Total Recall? Wouldn't it be better if they did it like that? Or if not better, then less embarrassing?

Tags: Gigi is a good name for a poodle not a human being, Humor, humorous blog, humorous travel stories, I freaking hate window seats, I hate to be rude but I really need to edit, I have a small mole (beauty mark) on the palm of my left hand right by my love line and I would actually like to know what a palm reader had to say about that., I love the song Cannonball and I found a really cool version sung live by Vienna Teng, I think the kid’s name is Gigi. I hope that’s a nickname for something, Is the TSA making this stuff up to be funny, I’m as far as I can get from drunk. I haven’t had a drink in days., Life, Maybe I’m taking this wrong? Maybe he was just looking out for me?, me me me, My friend told me about this thing called ‘the book off’ where you hold up a book in front of your face when you don’t want to talk to the person next to you on the plane and they don’t get the hint. , Oh darn it. Gigi has been returned, palm reading, Perhaps I looked glassy-eyed or drunk?, pull my finger, random sh*t floating around in my head, Technically speaking if a TSA official told you to pull their finger you would have to do it, The lady in the seat next to me was talking a blue streak but now her son has dropped off her 18-month old cranky granddaughter so I have a reprieve to write this, The one guy suggested that the water vapor test was for females only, The three guys in line behind me were all holding the exact same kind of water bottle as me and none of them were asked for a vapor check, Transportation Security Administration, Travel, travel humor, Traveling is a pain in the ass, TSA, TSA humor, TSA psycho in Orlando, TSA water vapor test, weird crap the TSA dreams up, weird TSA processes, What are the lines besides life line and love line? Money line? Party line? Fishing line? What’s my line?, What gives with the TSA water vapor test?, What gives with the TSA?, What was that guy expecting to find in my water?, Why did I drink that horrible coffee the flight attendant offered? Now I’m going to have to pee.

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