There is no such thing as ghosts

You do have to admire all those guys on the Ghost Hunter and Ghost Adventures and related shows. They spend hours every week filming their quest for paranormal activity and there’s lots of infared film and spooky music and high anxiety and in the end…nothing happens.

So obviously there is no such thing as ghosts.

At least I hope not.

Because I’m here in my friend’s apartment for one last night before heading home in the morning, and I’m seriously spooked out. And admittedly the item spooking me is not only kind of stupid, it’s pretty darn gross.

“What in the hell are you talking about?” you wonder.

This fan is possibly evil. It's definitely dirty.

Well, believe it or not, I’m talking about a  really, really dirty oscillating stand fan.

Yep.

A fan has given me a heart attack. Twice.

And on some levels perhaps you can imagine that a filthy fan would freak a person out because if you turned it on it might blow all kinds of fur and dirt and dust and general ickiness your way. But that’s not why.

Nope.

The problem is that the fan keeps relocating itself when I’m not here.

The first time, last Sunday, I was gone for a few hours and when I returned the fan was sitting in front of the sliding glass doors in the living room. I had never seen the fan before in my  life and its front and center presence was alarming (to say the least), so my working theories were:

1. Someone broke in and instead of stealing anything of value, placed a filthy fan in the condo.

2. This place is haunted.

I called my friend (the owner of said possibly haunted place) and described what I’d discovered, and she confirmed that the fan was hers and it usually lived in the closet or behind the 70′s era wood burning stove (which is about five feet from where it relocated itself). I hadn’t noticed it before (behind the stove or otherwise), but it sure as hell wasn’t sitting in the middle of the room when I’d left earlier that day.

I placed the fan in the corner (pointing it there like a naughty child) and forgot about it.

Okay, to be totally honest, I obsessed on it here and there and shot it numerous nervous glances and never once placed the key in the lock without worrying about ‘what is that spooky ass fan up to now?’, but I mostly forgot about it.

Or at least I tried to.

And then I left again for a few hours today (also a Sunday. Coincidence?) and when I came back the friggin’ thing was sitting in front of the door again!!!

Seriously.

There is something so incredibly scary about that scenario that words fail me.

I’m half inclined to drive home right now, but I don’t want to deal with snow or mountain passes and the like in the dark, so I’m going to tough it out and stop looking at videos of ‘real poltergeists’ on YouTube (which are clearly fake, but scaring me nonetheless) and perhaps I’ll crack open a bottle of wine in the spirit (no pun intended) of spacing out and hopefully reducing my anxiety from a 10 to an 8. Or at a bare minimum getting sleepy enough to go to bed and hurry the morning light.

Because I seriously have no need for spooks and specters and self-relocating filthy fans.

On a completely unrelated note, an ad on CBS just moments ago suggested that if you want to give a really special gift to the woman you love, “Give her a Pap Smear.” And they were being all serious and PSA about it.

Can you imagine a worse gift than a Pap Smear?

I mean, my insurance covers that.

That gift is CRAP.

So anyway, and lastly, and I suppose in conclusion, it’s been two hours and the fan hasn’t moved. Here’s hoping it stays that way.

(***shudder***)

Tags: fan relocating itself, Give your best gal a PAP smear, haunted fan, Humor, I just remembered the name of the virus. It's Human Papillomavirus, I'd like to go on The Amazing Race, I'm glad I'm going home tomorrow, I'm watching the final episode of The Amazing Race, Is it Pap Smear or PAP Smear?, Life, me me me, My friend's apartment has a poltergeist, my friend's apartment is haunted, my friends apartment is evil, poltergeists, scary apartment, scary fan, Some things don't work out like they should

Humor, Life, me me me | RSS 2.0 | Respond | Trackback |