Weighing the vices
It’s hard to say which of the seven deadly sins – envy, wrath, sloth, pride, greed, gluttony and lust – is the worst. It may depend on context.
Stains like this on the counter are always a tip off that a theft of some sort has occurred during my absence.
And in this context, the answer is without question gluttony.
Last night I got home from a friend’s and Dozer was acting funny – whining, howling, and running around like a lunatic. In fact, to the degree that a neighbor had called and left a concerned message. I gave him a cookie, but rather than eat it, he whined and ran to the top of the stairs. I tried to go all Lassie with him, “What is it, boy? Timmy’s in the well? Show me!” and followed him down where he proceeded to run around the couch approximately 275 times at warp speed with a Milk Bone in his mouth.
Lassie he is not.
But he was trying to tell me something.
Busted with the package of berries. Frank (in the foreground) has since been decapitated and dismembered.
Just not articulately enough that my feeble human brain could comprehend it.
Another hour later I decoded the message: He’d eaten a 14 ounce package of Trader Joe’s chocolate covered espresso beans.
That’s a lot of chocolate. And even more coffee. The vet said it would be like drinking ten espressos.
Now chocolate, as you probably know, is poison to dogs. But it’s not the chocolate that’s the problem, it’s the caffeine. It’s a stimulant that can cause them to have seizures and heart attacks…and die.
So chocolate + coffee is a Malatov cocktail. So a night spent at the emergency vet and a day at the vet with an IV and regular EKGs and multiple baths to get the explosive diarrhea off him, and he’s still alive and probably ready to come home in a few more hours and start stealing food off the counters all over again.
A couple weeks ago.
Thus, bullet dodged, I’m feeling a little less horrified by the whole thing, which is why in his honor I thought I might share with you a brief list of some of the other things I remember him swiping and eating. This is not by any measure a conclusive list. Dozer is 1533 days old…which translates to a whole lot of counter stealing. More than I could ever accurately recount. Nonetheless, here’s what I’ve got:
- Kumquats
- A box of cake mix
- Cantaloupe
- Italian salad
- Macaroni and cheese
- Raw pie crust
- Meatloaf
- Quiche
- Rotten strawberries
- Pepitas
- Steaks off people’s plates
- Fettucine alfredo off people’s plates
When the snow melted last winter, it became clear what Dozer had been up to in the prior weeks.
- Basically anything off unsuspecting people’s plates
- Hummus
- Egg shells
- Guacamole
- Smoked salmon
- Grilled salmon
- Lasagna
- Sushi
- Bacon – raw, cooked, whatever
- Taco shells and the box they came in
- Unbaked turkey stuffing
- Enumerable sticks of butter (his most favorite thing ever)
- Fried chicken
- Compost
- Cheetos
- Lunch meat
Hoping to get a little soda to wash it all down.
- An entire block of horseradish cheese
- Mayonnaise
- A bag of potato chips
- Cheerios
- Wheat Thins
- Dry pasta
- Spaghetti with meat sauce (his very first theft at 10 weeks old)
- Pistachios
- Several packages of liverwurst – wrapper and all
- Cantaloupe
- A martini (he was three months old)
- A tube of toothpaste
- Hot tea with milk
- Chocolate milk
- Beer
- Bananas
- Shoes
Somes you've got to eat a little paper to get to the good stuff.
- Hazelnuts
- Countless loaves of bread
- Fertilizer
- Homemade carmel rolls
- Pizza
- Cat food
- Uncooked rice
- The plastic scoop used to measure out his kibble
- Apples
- Several pumpkin pies (one of his nicknames – Pumpkin Pie)
- Caesar salad
- Blue cheese dressing
- Blue cheese
- The bag his dog food comes in
- A box of raisins (which required a trip to the vet to have his stomach pumped)
- Tomatoes on the vine
- Rice
- Thai takeout
- Four bags of tulip bulbs
Early thievery. Back when reaching the counter was a struggle.
- Chinese takeout
- Any takeout
- Blueberry muffins
- A deck of cards
- Oatmeal cookies
- Popcorn
- Canned tuna
- Short ribs
- A bag of lollipops
- Special K
- Power bars
- Crepe batter
- French fries
- A Snickers bar
- Goldfish crackers
- A tin of breath mints
Baby's first - stolen - pasta! (And don't even try to tell me this isn't the cutest thing you've ever seen in your entire life.)
Like I said, this is just some stuff off the top of my head…
Now don’t go thinking the dog has no self-respect. He is a glutton, but he does draw the line at citrus fruit and jalapeno peppers. But he’s not above putting a couple tooth marks in them just to make sure his palate hasn’t matured.
You never know.
I used to hate pineapple and now I love it.
Things change.
And some things – like gluttony – never do.
It's hard to believe he was this small once.
Tags: Alaskan Malamute counter thievery, Alaskan Malamute food theft, Alaskan malamute near death experiences, Alaskan Malamute schizophrenia, Alaskan Malamutes, Alaskan Malamutes are brainless pigs, Does anyone want to hire my dog? Seriously? He has some major vet bills he needs to reimburse me for., Dog food theft, dog humor, Dogs, I miss him. I hope he can come home soon., Life, me me me, My dog ate chocolate covered espresso beans, My dog is a pig, my dog is an idiot, My dog nearly died from chocolate consumption, This is gonna cost me
I looooove that last picture!
Dozer, for sure….
I’m so glad that he’s ok! is he part GOAT, too?
Good call.
There may be some goat DNA in there.
He eats a lot of cardboard…
My 130 pound Malamute (Chaco) and Dozer share some traits…. but Chaco has him beat in the “weird” department. Chaco has been very good about not ‘counter surfing”, and rarely helps himself to any inappropriate food. But Chaco shows NO restraint when it comes to consuming various non-food, fabric type items. Just last night, at the local dog park, a woman brought a brand new athletic sock for a “toy” for her larcenous terrier… in hopes it would keep him from stealing other folks various small items.
After two or three other dogs stole the sock from the terrier, Chaco stole it.. and immediately ATE it! He’s done this in the past with gloves, pieces of fabric from demolished dog toys, and one time he even consumed a fairly large pair of men’s boxer shorts.
Early in my dealings with Chaco, I learned a great trick from a guy who had worked as an emergency Vetrinary tech. Hydrogen Peroxide…. Three our four turkey basters full of hydrogen peroxide, squired down Chaco’s throat, and about ten minutes of waiting will cause him to barf up whatever inappropriate objects he has consumed. Twenty minutes later he’s no worse for the wear, although he does try to wear me down with disgusted looks.
Many people have tried to explain to him that eating cloth objects is not appropriate Malamute behavior… but he’s just not buying it.
Dozer, at least, consumes identifiable food. Good luck. It’s not easy living with a strong willed dog … no mattter how much of a sense of humor they’re supposed to have….
-Taylor
130 pounds!?!?
I am absolutely floored by the first four words alone.
That is literally more than I weigh.
Is he mixed with something else? Or morbidly obese?
Dozer is big…but god help me. He’s a veritable midget compared to Chaco.
As for eating socks and shoes and scarves and the entire linens department at Macy’s…this clearly falls into “Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep?” territory.
“What does Chaco eat?”
“Anything he wants to.”