Two turtle doves

What’s a turtle dove, anyway?
No.
Really.

Is that a real thing?

Anyway, and turtle doves aside, my thought for today (in addition to a mounting fear that there’s no way I’m going to be able to sustain this ‘twelve blog posts without missing a day’ run due to excessive personal obligations and general overbookedness. And finishing the friggin’ Food Machine editing already, goddammit. )

Ahem….

Where was I?

My thought for today is that people are annoying.

You’re annoying.

I’m annoying.

Everyone we know – nay, everyone we’ve ever met or brushed past or walked by without even glimpsing – is annoying.

It’s humanity’s birthright to be annoying.

I never knew her, but I’m wholly confident that Mother Teresa was annoying. Maybe she had poor personal hygiene?  Soup’s on…if you know what I mean.

Maybe she didn’t wash her hands after using the bathroom and went on to prepare some rice or gruel or something?

Maybe she was always ‘go go go’ with helping others and giving of your time and there was never a break during which you could paint your nails or read the New Yorker or update your Facebook status?

All I’m saying – again – is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, is annoying.

And in that spirit, I’m starting to prefer the real deal. To hell with the candy-coated facades and sugar sweet mirages. Give me a person who declares, “This is who I am. This is how I’m wired. I require xxx hours alone each day. I’ll give it my best shot, but at the end of the day…I like what I like.”

And I probably prefer that because I’m like that.

And I get worn out on people who fake ‘niceness,’ but are secretly building a laundry list of grudges. Let it go already. Didn’t you get the memo? I’m annoying.

However, should the stars ever align and you and I find ourselves attempting to cohabitate in some regard, please make a note that:

• For breakfast I like two soft-boiled organic eggs (I’m a real hard ass that some things MUST be organic), some Earl Grey tea, and an English muffin toasted just this side of burned. Make it right, tell me to make it myself, or suffer my wrath.
• You can talk to me and 99.9% of the time I”m happy for it, but if I scream out “writing!” or “editing!” please shut the eff up immediately
• No snoring.
• I work out every day. Every day. And it takes as long as it takes.
• Don’t tell me what I ‘should’ do or how i ‘should’ be, and I will return the favor.
• Cooking makes me happy.
• I love clothes. I know I have a ton of clothes already, but I don’t care. I love them. It is what it is. And it could be worse. I could be talking about gambling or crystal meth.
• Celery is not food.
• I prefer three to five hours of alone time every day. Sleeping doesn’t count.
• I’m blindly in love with my dog. I am aware of the facts with respect to his vast deficiencies and shortcomings. I choose not to enter them into the equation.
• Writing and editing make me happy.
• Don’t rush me.
• I get mad at my GPS when she screws up. (i.e. High potential for swear words.)
• If it’s a choice between talking it out and high drama, talk to me. Tell me where I erred. I can take it.
• Sometimes I feel the need to watch complete garbage on TV.
• Exercise makes me happy.
• I am angry at Michael Vick of the Philadelphia Eagles, and I don’t care if he’s a great athlete. And I don’t care that he doesn’t care that I’m angry. I stand by my principles.
• Champagne and oysters are the food of the gods.
• If you wake me up in the middle of the night, it had better be good.

Anyway, my point here is that we are all finicky, fussy, picky, persnickety, and discriminating individuals in our own way. You may not care about as many things as I do, but there are things you really care about. And will throw down about.

And that’s fine.

It’s our god-given right to be annoying.

What I’m ultimately suggesting is that this holiday season, as you spend time with friends and family, just try to bear in mind that they are equally ridiculous. And equally annoying. And trying just as hard as me or you. Or as hard as they’re capable of, which may not be as remotely hard as me or you, but that’s where the whole annoying ‘get out of jail free’ card thing rears it’s ugly head again.

So buy some Jack Daniel’s and get to being tolerant already…

Tags: Humor, I know some of you read this so let me further explain that the doctors have suspended all treatment for my friend and she may be in hospice as early as next week., I went to the dermatologist today and despite a wall plastered with Restalyn and Botox and god knows what else ads he simply said that my skin looked great and didn't suggest I needed shit., I'm annoying, I'm really pissed off about these crazy ("I know how you make your money" What? What money? I'm making money? That's a fucking news flash. Where is this money anyway?) harassment emails, It's not fair that this blog makes no money but I still have to suffer with crazies, Life, Life is hard, Life is hard and then you die. Some of us sooner than others., me me me, My friend is just 45. It's not fair, People are annoying, Sorry. That's the wine talking., Will the husband of this nut job who keeps sending me threatening emails - Amy Austin Santarelli - please help her get a grip? I don't know you and 'leaving you alone' is the status quo., You're annoying

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