It can’t all be sunshine
And despite the sunshine outside, today feels like a day without any.
So yesterday I was at my friend’s house, waiting to see if she would wake up.
She never did.
I talked to her for a while and her breathing changed and quickened as I told her about my day and a dream I had about us, and how I would be back again tomorrow or the next day. I think that she could hear me.
I know that people’s subconscious is fully alert while under anesthesia, and at this point the brain tumor inside her is probably a bit like that.
After a while, I kissed her cheek and then went and sat in the family room down the hall. I noticed and began thumbing through a book on Iceland that I imagine was given to her – or at least intended for her – a couple days ago on Christmas. There’s a whole complex and rather tragic story around Iceland (and she is the reason I went there myself in August 2008), but it doesn’t seem appropriate to go into that here.
At any rate, the only thing I really wanted to post was this passage that I found in that book. It was mostly a coffee table book of gorgeous photos of flowing lava or glaciers or vast expanses, but was littered with a small quote every dozen or so pages.
This particular one hit me hard. It strikes me as powerful and painful and uplifting and emotional and beautiful and impossibly sad all at the same time, which I guess is pretty much exactly how I would summarize the last three months:
I am the abyss
That protects the precious pearls
You dreamt of having.
-Steinn Steinar
Tags: brain tumors, brain tumors suck, cancer, I am having a bad day, I am very sad today, I caught myself researching consulting jobs in NYC today and I am feeling very lost, I have been told that seeing someone die of a brain tumor is worse than all the other cancers combined, I really need to knuckle down and finish the book, I've told myself that when she dies I'll move but I'm not even sure where I'm going, If she goes into a coma there are orders not to feed or hydrate her so that will be that, Life is hard sometimes, This is not the first time I've watched someone die of cancer but somehow it is the hardest, tumors, We had such a good night two days ago it doesn't make sense that she's disappeared into some kind of fog, When it rains it pours
We received news last night that a very dear friend has been diagnosed with “Breast Cancer”…it hit us like a brick. We are great friends with her and her family (husband, children).
She has surgery Jan 8 and chemotherapy immediately following.
It is very hard to see terrible things happen to wonderful people.
You, your friend and her family are in my prayers.
I’m so sorry. My best wishes for your friend.
The good news is that breast cancer – when caught early – is hugely survivable. I have some family members who’ve had it (in one case, twice) and all are healthy and doing well. Good luck to your friend and her family, and I hope everything goes perfectly.