So about ten years ago I joined a gym and part of the introductory package was that they insisted on weighing and measuring you and helping you define a ‘plan.’ Probably they were just trying to sell sessions with a trainer, but I wasn’t sophisticated enough at the time to realize that.

Madonna should really eat a cheeseburger or something.

Anyway, I was already a runner and regularly did yoga and pilates videos, so I fared pretty well in my little fitness exam.

Or at least I thought so.

At the end of the exam, the young idiot doing the evaluation shows me a little card where he’s written my weight and BMI. It was some useless record that they apparently stuck in a file somewhere. He points out a couple blank areas in the official archival log and asks me, “So what’s your goal?”

Seeing as I came in at the low end of the weight and body fat ranges for my height, and I was already  in good shape, I told him that my goal was to stay the same.

“That’s not a goal.”

“Yes it is.”

“No. Staying the same is not a goal.”

“For me it is.”

“You need to give me a real goal. That’s not a goal.”

“Well, what are you suggesting? That my goal should be to be underweight? Mistaken for an Olsen twin? Hospitalized for anorexia?”

The Bodies exhibit...or a malnourished, over-exercised celebrity? Who knows anymore.

Truth be told, I probably wasn’t that rude with him. Or rude at all. I think I was humorously annoyed more than anything. Nonetheless, I do recall that I blew off my ‘free training’ session as I henceforth deemed him too much of a jackass to waste another half an hour with. On the other hand, if I had stuck with Mr. That Is Not A Goal, perhaps I’d have Linda Hamilton T2 biceps now? Or the scary skinny arms of Madonna? Or the emaciated body of Victoria Beckham?

Who knows? Who cares?

Anywho, my point was more that some of my “goals” or “resolutions” for 2010 would probably be deemed ‘not goals’ by that guy in the sense that I already do them, but to me, they’re still resolutions. It’s hard work being me, so I say ‘maintain’ IS a goal. Prove that it isn’t.

With that stated, here they are:

1. Work out every day

2. Meditate daily

3. Find an agent and get my book published

4. Write and edit another book

5. Sell house and move out of Washington

6. Practice guitar weekly

7. Be grateful

8. Explore India for six or eight weeks

J. Lo is not scary skinny, but she does look a bit...intense. Just some wholesome, family-friendly entertainment!

9. Go to a yoga class weekly

10. Find a way to make some money with the blog

11. Read books more, watch TV less

12. Trust my instincts

13. Teach Dozer to roll over, take a bow, play dead, whisper, and smile. This may be the hardest thing on this list, as it involves someone else.

14. Teach orphans or do other volunteer work in Tanzania for a few weeks (and maybe take a stab at Kilimanjaro while I’m there.)

15. Make money! (By any means necessary…including a return to my old career if it comes down to it.)