The weirdness that is urbandictionary.com

There’s so many options to waste time.

Her old nose was thicker, but with the new one, maybe a little bit. But not really. I don't know. I have no perspective.

Let me count the ways…

At the moment, there’s a stupid Facebook thing going around where you’re supposed to go to urbandictionary.com and do a search on your first name and then post it as your status.

There’s also one where you’re supposed to change your profile picture to your ‘celebrity doppleganger.’ but I don’t have one. Once in a blue moon someone says I look like Jennifer Aniston, but I don’t see it. She has a lot more chin than I do.

Anyway, normally I don’t do any of that stuff, and my status pulls from Twitter, but I decided to look it up just to see. And blow me down, if names were a beauty contest, I’m taking first prize.

I had no idea people were out there defining names on urbandictionary.com as if they were blanket truths (or words to be defined), but take a gander:

Vanessa

1. A moderately common name for an American female; pretty; hot; beautiful; perfect; cutest girl you’ll ever see; angel

2. As stated in other definitions of vanessa she is always known as being cute, and is the basic definition of perfection. she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and is perfect in every single way. people associated with the name vanessa are usually attracted to large wooden clocks.
vanessa is beautful and perfect

***What? Clocks? Large wooden clocks? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean people associated with me have the clock fetish or that I’m supposed to? (Must pay more attention to wooden clocks moving forward…)***

3. Means Butterfly in greek

***Actually, it doesn’t. In ancient Greek “psyche” was the word for butterfly, but now it’s petalou’da.***

When I was a little girl, people would always ask me if I was named after Vanessa Redgrave. I had no idea who Vanessa Redgrave was, but I would always say "Yes" because it seemed easier that way.

4. The hottest chick on EARTH, damnn you know that ANYONE named Vanessa is the hottest chick you will ever see. Anyone named Vanessa is hottest than the damn sun itself.

BOY1: yeah I’m hanging out with vanessa today.
BOY2: V-v-v-v-anessa..is her name?
BOY1: yeah dude why?
BOY2: SHES SOOO HOTT ISNT SHE?!?!
BOY1: NO SHIT BRO, NO SHIT..EVERY CHICK NAMED VANESSA IS HOTT.

5. A beautiful girl.
Loves music, hanging out with her friends, and eating.
Very friendly, sexy, and stylish.
The one best friend everyone wants.
The one girl every guy wants.
Shes tough so dont mess around with her.
Shes the most special girl in the world.

I want to meet my perfect Vanessa.

***This is uncanny. Has someone been following me around???***

6. Cute, beautiful, Visionary, Amazing, Neat, Amusing

Vanessa, You’re the only Vanessa in my world.

7. Smart, Funny, Charming, Caring, Responsible, Beautiful, Gorgeous Eyes that would be so easy to get lost in, yet you would never care, so lost yet held there so happy so content, and a smile that lights up a room and makes your heart pound. A rare combination, someone beautiful inside as well as outside.

Vanessa is an amazing person.

***On second thought, all this is a bit much. I’m starting to get creeped out. Why on earth have so many people written these wackadoo “definitions” for the name Vanessa? Weren’t the first five more than enough?***

8. Invented by Jonathan Swift as a nickname for his lady friend Esther Vanhougan.

That is pretty cute.

9. The most amazing types of people. Always makes a best friend and never lets you down. Loves green tea and tea tree and has the most amazing lime coconut cookies :) Super pretty and loves Simba :P Shares an interest in Disney movies with Avonlee. The most amazing type of person in the world and everyone who knows a Vanessa is very lucky <3

***Simba like The Lion King? Obviously this one was written by a ten-year old. But it’s still spot-on in many ways…***

Just so you don’t think it’s all about me (although it mostly is), here’s the definition for my very best friend.

Dozer

1. Marijuana, Weed, Herb, Mary Jane, Reefer, Grass, Dope, Green, Green Wood.

Smoking marijuana tends to get some people sleepy, in other words some people “doze” off.

-That dozer we smoked knocked me out

-Yall niggas think I’m trippin cuz I’m on dat dozer -Master P

He is a serious dope.

I had no idea.

2. A person who toils mindlessly at the same mundane endeavors as their forefathers without ever seeking to alter their course or advance their processes in anyway. (from HBO’s Fraggle Rock, Dozers perpetually built and rebuilt structures for the Fraggles to devour)

The dozers can’t seem to grasp the idea because it wasn’t listed in the manual.

Tee hee. It’s funny because it’s true. And it explains the random girl in the street who once gushed on about Fraggle Rock. We didn’t have HBO when I was a kid.

3. A Bulldozer

In other news, I’ve become obsessed with VH1′s Celebrity Rehab Season Three (and those of you watching know what I’m talking about – Dennis Rodman! Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore AND they used to be in love and she got him on meth and he ultimately betrayed her!!! Mackenzie Phillips!!!!!), and when I was told that Leif Garrett (who I had to Google to figure out who that was. Whatever. Before my time.) was arrested for heroin possession, my very first thought was, ‘Yay! He can go on the next Celebrity Rehab!”

EXHIBIT A: Dennis Rodman.

I also have a huge crush on Dr. Drew. I don’t even have addiction problems, but I would like to check into the Pasadena Recovery Center and tell Dr. Drew all my sad stories and have him affirm that he is witnessing my pain right now and make it all better.

But I digress…

What I wanted to say is that I discovered you can watch complete episodes of Celebrity Rehab on VH1′s website and there was a still shot of Dennis Rodman on the screen, and I had a sudden epiphany: Dennis Rodman looks exactly like Mrs. Potato Head.

Seriously, give him a little red purse and slap a daisy on his wrist, and it’s doppleganger time.

EXHIBIT B: Mrs. Potato Head. (The defense rests.)

Dennis, if you’re out there and you have a Facebook account, feel free to update your profile picture accordingly.

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7 Responses to “The weirdness that is urbandictionary.com”

  1. Vanessa (also!)

    This really cracked me up. Found you while trying to understand why Urbandictionary was claiming I like large wooden clocks (they’re right about so much else).

    Love your post, like reading another version of me, only younger, less embittered and likely funnier. B*tch! But seriously, keep on rockin the blog. I subscribed and I expect big things. From a fellow writer who is willing to share Dr. Drew with you if you don’t hog him like a needy druggie.

  2. Maxx AKA Marky Mark

    Mark – noun. A person identified as an easy target, or “sucker”. A mark is always the short end of a joke or scam, and is never let in on whats going on.

    ….yeah – thanks for that link. ;)

  3. wideawakeinwonderland

    Greetings, fellow Vanessa!!!
    Oddly enough, as I was working on this, it occurred to me that I don’t really know anyone else named Vanessa. I’ve met a few here and there, but only in a business context.
    Of course, they were always gorgeous and amazing and loved large, wooden clocks (given traits of ALL Vanessas), but now they’re gone on the wind.
    Anyway, so cool that you found this – and for such a stupid reason. We can share Drew.
    Did you watch the new Celebrity Rehab tonight?
    I can’t stand the new girl.
    And WTF with Tom Sizemore skeezing up to Heidi, and then almost immediately wanting to go home with his user girlfriend? Sad.

  4. wideawakeinwonderland

    Mark, I’m so sorry you had to find out this way.
    But at least now you know.
    Right, Sucker?

  5. Frothy Afterbirth

    Do you know who you remind me as your doppelganger? A younger version of you cast in time 20 years ago. Connie Young who played Holly Waits in what is considered by many as the worst movie ever made, Troll 2. Not that I consider you ever terrible. But I just saw this movie again recently after a long absence and now I’m currently obsessed about it. The bad acting and the dialogue itself is unintentionally hilarious. Watching “the Holly Waits dance” is worth renting it out! Seriously watch it, I think you and Holly share some similarities and not just physical.

  6. wideawakeinwonderland

    Is the original Troll required viewing to appreciate Troll II?
    I think I could have had a near-miss career in bad acting. I was quite the mediocre actress in my high school days, but thanks to a jerk off of a Trigonometry teacher who told me I was “too smart to be wasting your time with such things” I went to college and never looked back.
    Anywho, my best friend has a doppleganger living in the same city (friends will literally tell her “I saw you at the bakery” or “I saw you biking down such-and-such street” and it’s not her), so it’s comforting to know mine exists…at least 20 years ago.
    It’s like that probably dumb Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock movie I never saw…

  7. Frothy Afterbirth

    The funny thing is Troll and Troll 2 have nothing in common with each other. This is what you get when you have an Italian director who does B-grade Italian horror flicks and with nearly an all Italian crew who hardly speak English filming right the middle of some fly speck town in Utah with an American cast with little or no acting experience. The title was originally going to be under something else but it was changed to ride after the successful (???) coat tails of Troll. I’m telling you, Troll 2 is already a classic with a cult following. It has to be watched to believed or disbelieved. No matter what, a WTF is the end result. Not to mention, there’s also popcorn sex and corncob erotica laced with cake icing. I’m very serious about this.