By George, I think he’s got it!

So I got this comment on a (nearly) year-old post yesterday. It’s the one about tax tips (and – now that I’ve re-read it for the first time in about a year – a pretty funny one, if I do say so myself.)

At first I thought it was spam. I hoped it was spam, because it seemed a little bit mean. The part about my game. So I decided it must be spam.  Then I realized it wasn’t spam, largely because the first word of said spam happened to be my first name.

“Vanessa. I have been waiting for your blogg. Ki you really need to step up your game.
Is something else taking your focus away from writing? Everyone can spit, But few can spit around the corner.
Just a tip from your old uncle Dors.”

And you  know what?

Old Uncle Dors is on crack.

But he’s also onto something.

I have no freaking idea what the spitting stuff is about. I’m chalking that up to the crack.

But otherwise – although completely baffling – he’s kinda right. There are a few things taking the focus away from my writing. I don’t really like to get into my personal issues in this medium, but I suppose the long silences and extended absences may require some kind of explanation or commentary.

Thus, as much as I hesitate to go there in public, please enjoy a short list – in no particular order – of the myriad issues that distract my mind and take my focus away from my writing:

Damn. They should hire him to do the next Exorcist movie.

• Generalized fears about solar flares
• Generalized fear of that Millionaire Matchmaker lady.
• What the eff happened to Gary Coleman?
• Deep thoughts of no particular consequence
• Why can’t I do a cartwheel?
• Why didn’t I move that 401K when the stock was still worth something?
• Does Eric Clapton really get off on ‘57 Chevys? Define ‘get off’,’ because I think maybe I have a different idea of what getting off means? Does he mean he gets off on or he gets off ON? Man, I hate that song.
• Why do I keep dreaming about snakes?
• Who wrote the book of love?
• Wouldn’t it be nice if there really were such a thing as money trees? Like a plant that makes money, not a store where you trade your car title for $50 or whatever. Those are real.

Last count, he was 542 years old. So either he's a vampire or he's dead.

• My throat hurts and my ear aches and my skin is kind of sensitive and my head hurts and my hair hurts oh, dammit, I think I’m getting sick.
• Is Papa Smurf still alive?
• Are we really going to transcend to the fifth dimension on December 21, 2012 and what will the weather be like?
• Does my bologna have a first name?
• What’s up with brain tumors besides the fact that they suck balls?
• Low-grade fear of whatever it is that happened to Heidi Fleiss’ face.
• Generalized anxiety about money.
• Generalized anxiety about Monet.
• Man, did they screw up Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs or what? That was my FAVORITE book as a little girl. The movie was total crap. Actually, I quit after the first 15 minutes when the town wasn’t even named Chewandswallow, but I’m assuming the rest of it was equal parts crap.
• How come?
• Why not?
• What if?
• What’s wrong with Jennifer Anniston such that everyone always dumps her? Seriously, she seems so pretty and funny and is “America’s Sweetheart”, but obviously there’s something way wrong there. Ceaseless nose picking? An unpredictable mean streak?

I prefer cherry.

• Do androids dream of electric sheep?
• If Clonazepam is for seizures, how does somebody get addicted to it? And why?
• How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
• Is there an app for that?
• Wondering where the lions are.
• Huh?
• Was Sherlock Holmes really that much of a badass in the books, or is that something they invented for the movie?
• How much coffee is too much coffee?
• Did the groundhog see his shadow or not and does it really matter and – the real question here – when the hell is it going to be warm and sunny again?
• Why haven’t I heard from my dad in like a month?
• What ever happened to Baby Jane?
• What’s the price of tea in China?
• Blog? What blog? Oh yeah. That blog.

Tags: Are the Smurfs still on TV?, Do I have to do everything for everyone?, Do they still make new Smurf episodes?, Dreaming about snakes, Gary Coleman is exorcist scary, Gary Coleman is scary, Heidi Fleiss looks scary bad, Heidi Fleiss weird lips, How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?, I don't get off on 57 Chevys, I hate that song about getting off on 57 Chevys, I know I make it look easy but it ain't easy, I would happily do the work that is the damn blog if only it paid ANYTHING, I'm afraid of the Millionaire Matchmaker, I'm coming down with something, I'm getting the cold or a flu or something, Life, me me me, My bologna does not have a first name, My bologna prefers to remain anonymous, My dad ended up calling before I could post this. Clearly we have ESP., My ear hurts, My hair hurts, my head hurts, My skin hurts, Sometimes the blog is too much damn work, t's hard to do unpaid work week after week but I've been at it for almost two years, The stock is so low - under a dollar - that you can't even trade it if you tried, This blog takes a lot of time. And sometimes I don't have the time. Or I have nothing to say. Or I simply don't feel like it., Way to screw up a bank losers, What ever happened to Papa Smurf?, What the hell happened to Gary Coleman?, When I left the bank the stock was almost $30., Why can't I do a cartwheel?, WTF happened to Heidi Fleiss' face?

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