Why try to change me now?
Today has been a strange day.
Mostly a bad day. Or maybe not.
I don’t really know anymore.
One probably shouldn’t blog in a melancholy mood, but at the same time – if it’s authentic and real – why the hell not?
So let’s see: Last night the dog attacked the cat and really – pardon my French – f*cked him up. I wasn’t actually in the immediate vicinity, but as I understand it, steak was involved and the (very food aggressive) Malamute noticed that the (very food aggressive) Himalayan cat was moving in, and he tore him a new one. Literally.
Fu’s chin is covered in stitches and he’s missing some fur by his left eye. He’s also QUITE emotionally traumatized.
As am I.
Add to the mix that not one, but TWO people I consider very close and important friends called me out on the carpet – separately and without much padding or candy coating – on all the ways I sabotage myself and make excuses and hold myself back and stay stuck in patterns that aren’t serving me.
This had nothing to do with the cat.
It just also happened to happen today.
So ouch.
Is there anyone that’s ever happy to hear this stuff about how we’re our own worst enemy? Even when we know it’s true?
Don’t get me wrong.
These were lectures given with love.
And they weren’t off-base.
Maybe the worst sentiment of the whole day was something along the lines of, “If I came to you with these excuses, you would kick my ass and give me really good advice and totally straighten me out. Why can’t you do that for yourself?”
Double ouch.
And yet…
I have been saying “the book will be done in a week or two” for…
I don’t know?
Ten weeks?
Twelve?
And some of it is legit – my friend died brutally of a brain tumor, and I made a conscious decision to be there with her in those last months, and I’m so glad I did – but some of it is bullshit. In truth, I keep finding new ways to distract myself or chase other rainbows and what I really, really, really, really want to do – deep down and with every bone in my body – is finish this last editing and contact agents and sell this damn thing and realize a lifelong dream and make some money and effect the future of required reading lists and change the world, but I think I’m also totally scared and terrified and vulnerable and dealing with all that by sabotaging myself.
So my plans (to attend the Isha Yoga Inner Engineering program in Seattle this week) have been nixed, and I will – no more excuses – finish the book and contact at least a handful of agents by the end of next week.
I have to.
This has gone on long enough.
I’m so close it’s absurd.
Which is what I guess is what spawned the WTF!? lectures delivered at both 11am and 11pm today.
Or maybe it’s just some weird alignment of stars in the universe?
Either way, it worked.
Anyway, it just got me thinking about how we cling to our ways – good, bad, and indifferent – and this really sweet song by Cy Coleman (as sung by Fiona Apple because that’s what I could find on YouTube) about just that.
To anyone else out there getting in their own way: I can relate, and if you can’t do it for yourself, I wish for you that some dear friend comes along and gives you a dose of tough love sometime soon. Or if they don’t or if your friends are too polite, send me enough information that I can do it for you.
It’s no picnic.
You may cry.
It hurts…but in a good way. xo
Tags: Cy Coleman, Cy Coleman Why Try to Change me now, Don't talk about Fight Club, editing a novel, Everyone is cheering me on. Why am I such a coward?, Fiona Apple, Fiona Apple Billie Holliday, Fiona Apple Ella Fitzgerald, Fiona Apple has a nice Billie Holliday-ish voice, For a long time Chrissy was my excuse but now she's dead, Getting out of my own way, Groan, I am so fucking bummed that my dog attacked my cat, I have no functional tricks anymore, I have to finish this book, I kind of wanted to take Fu's syringe of pain meds on his behalf today but I figured they wouldn't be strong enough, I know he was just defending his food but still..., I know he's just a dog but I expected more, I'm so sick of listening to myself stall on this book I could cry, I'm such a whiner, If I could find a place to go and be completely alone and quiet and without cable I would slam out the next book in March, In the midst of all this lostness I charted out all the chapters of the next book, It's so sad to realize that everyone is onto your tricks, It's so weird that two people lectured me - and harshly - on the same thing in the same day. They don't even know each other. It was done with love though, Life, Life has kicked my ass lately, Life is really goddamned hard sometimes, me me me, My left hand hurts, Poor Fu Manchu. He's all messed up., The fear of contacting agents about your novel, The most amazing people I know also struggle really hard sometimes, the struggles of editing a novel, The struggles of writing a novel, We're all our own worst enemy, Who am I kidding? I have cried today. More than once., Writing a Novel
Scean from On Golden Pond. Jane Fonda says to her father. “You look so old dad” He replies, “Life just has a way of kicking the shit out of you”
You are doing great, You are alive. What a great thing that Is. In the end everything else Is just extra.
I didn’t cry but got really sad!
Namaste
I will never realise my dream of doing music for a living. I love my music, but I’m not nearly good enough to do it in any professional capacity. The biggest thing is my missus has absolutely no support for my music, or anything else I actually want to do, because it takes me away from spending time with her. It’s hated with a passion. So in essence I would have to choose between music and her. I’d get rid of the keyboard altogether, as it just serves to taunt me, but my mother in law put alot of money towards it, so I can’t even get rid of it…..and so I end up feeling like I’ve wasted so much of my life, as I’m pretty sure if I’d have spent the time earlier in life, I could have been pretty good.
You don´t need to change a bit. You just need to be confident on yourself. Sometimes we tend to be afraid of not being perfect, when the truth is that being just extremely good is often much better, for the price…
Don´t ever change, but those tears into smiles.
(It ain´t half empty. It´s almost full.)
; )
Besides, it doesn´t sound that bad, to start for the corner and turn up in Spain….
“In 1970 I enrolled at the State University of New York at Potsdam under my given name, Charles (Chuck) Levine. I lasted two years. Most of my memories are of playing guitar in rock bands at bars and frat parties (Casey Jones, Whipping Post, Southern Man, Aqualung), trying desperately to get coeds to wrap their legs around my 27 inch waist, learning to juggle, playing frisbee, Zig-Zag rolling papers, repeatedly listening to Voodoo Chile, and playing acid chicken with my roommates (the game involved who could watch their face melt in a mirror the longest without suffering a full-blown psychotic break). Oddly, I have only two memories of actually being in class. One in which my pupils were inordinately dilated and the professor was rude enough to notice, and the second when the alcoholic bastard who taught creative writing mocked my work and informed me I’d never make it as a writer because my grammar was awful. I only bring this up because someone at my old alma mata figured out I was once Chuck Levine, contacted me and offered me an Honorary Doctor of Humane Letters degree along with an invitation to speak at this year’s commencement ceremony. Thrilled and proud to finally have a college degree, I immediately accepted. In fact, I have already begun writing a speech which I hope will prove inspiring to the fresh-faced graduates. The theme is “personal reinvention, or how I stumbled ass-backwards into a job where grammar was ignored and neurosis, fear, desperation, childhood wounds and mediocrity was richly rewarded.” I’ve also started practicing throwing a tassled hat up in the air using my old, wickedly accurate, frisbee wrist flick.”
“Before I get started I just want to point out that the commencement speaker for the 2009 graduating class of Notre Dame is the President of the United States. The commencement speaker for the 2009 graduating class of SUNY Potsdam is a deeply neurotic, twice-divorced sitcom writer with chronic bronchitis. Just thought you should know. You do get what you pay for. Anyway, my commencement speech: Thirty-seven years ago I dropped out of SUNY Potsdam and packed my 66 Mustang with all my worldly belongings. Those belongings included one cardboard box filled with clothing, one Panasonic FM-AM stereo and turntable, one record collection, one Fender Stratocaster, one Fender twin reverb amp and one Boomerang wah-wah pedal. I then took a deep breath and drove to Los Angeles with four hundred dollars in my pocket and the dream of being a rock star in my head. I sincerely hope that none of you here today are that stupid. ”
-Chuck Lorre
Mark,
This actually makes me incredibly sad.
But at the same time, I feel like explaining why it makes me sad would come off judgey or preachy, and that’s not my intent.
So let me just say that it seems your mother-in-law seems to understand how passionate you feel about your music (keyboard), and I hope somehow magically that sentiment finds a way to spread throughout the family tree.
I don’t know that it really matters that we’re particularly good at something, just that we love it and it makes us happy.
We all deserve as much. xo
Thanks for the constant encouragement (including those who emailed me directly).
Just an update that I’m down to the last character – my favorite, and easy to read/write – and on track to be TOTALLY DONE on Saturday (as in two days from today).
Provided I get back to editing right now.
So back to editing…
Eventually you’ll finish editing your book, you’re already at least 85-90% done. The year is still young, leaving the rest full of promise that it will get picked and published. Followed by big fat royalty checks that have many zeros.
Yay.
Heart.
When that happens, I’m buying everyone who reads this thing a beer!!!