Archive for August, 2010

***cringe***

Friday, August 27th, 2010

I just got an email from my host that the server upon which this blog resides will “undergo an upgrade onto newer and faster hardware. This will increase performance of the server and ensure continued stability. This transfer will cause an estimated downtime of 4-7 hours.”

New hair

Putting aside the general terror associated with any server related  change (due mostly to an extensive prior history of things hitting the fan or looking like sh*t or ceasing to function altogether after said ‘upgrades’), what really has me baffled (and a bit alarmed) is that the intended date and time for this project is Friday, June 4th at 8pm.

Ummm….

June 4th like 13 weeks ago?

That June 4th?
Or are they giving me notice nine months in advance?

And do they really expect that I’ll remember this in nine days let alone nine months?
And is June 4th even on a Friday in 2001?

(No. No it is not.)
And why is my dog licking the keyboard?

And is dog saliva safe for a keyboard?

So do they mean to say they’re doing this upgrade tonight?

Same new hair, different background

Or that they already did it?

And can I have any faith that things will look as they should in the morning?

And do I really need this added stress?

(No. No, I do not.)

And am I going to do anything further than post this whiney blog and hope for the best and maybe avoid looking at my own site until at least Sunday for fear that I will find an epic disaster that I have pretty much no idea how to fix?

Probably not.

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I would make a good secret agent

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

At least in terms of my willingness to wear a wig or change my actual hair.

Black bob wig

Black is too...black. I think it kind of washes me out.

There was a time I would not change my hair: it was all one length and very long and had been that way forever and the mere thought of cutting even a few inches was distressing. I would have dreams that someone took a chunk out of my hair and wake up stressed out and agitated.

In hindsight, it was probably a lot more drab and boring than I ever realized, and I probably could have been an extra on Big Love…as one of The Prophet’s followers living on the compound. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t in Crystal Gale or Cousin It territory, but it was still bad.

So we’ve established I had very long hair and was emotionally attached to it. Enter a major break-up. I remember standing in my kitchen and Lisa Bonet was on Behind the Music or some such thing talking about her break-up with Lenny Kravitz. And there was some story about how he came to see her at her recording studio somewhere in the Caribbean a few years later, and they were cool the way you (hopefully) are a few years later, and during the course of events he asked her to cut his trademark long hair. She said he stated, “You hold a lot of energy in your hair.”

I know it’s Lenny Kravitz and taking life advice from Lenny Kravitz is maybe not advisable the way it would be from the Dalai Lama or Gandhi, but neither one of them had very good hair. Moreover, I kind of couldn’t help it: I knew exactly what Lenny was talking about.

Red hair wig

Excellent spy hair.

I also thought about how 98% of the atoms in our bodies are replaced in one year’s time, and somehow this collided in a significant emotional cyclone, which ultimately resulted in me marching into the salon and having my hair cut super short. Short like for the first time since I was a baby.

And it was pretty cute, but it turns it grows faster than most people’s, and I only liked it the first couple weeks after the haircut. After that, it started to get shaggy and weird and strange little curls, and I couldn’t handle it and grew it out again.

In other words, been there done that on the super short, but I have a haircut coming up in a few days, and I’m thinking of yet another change. I think we’re looking at dark brown and maybe an angled bob.

I have no idea what this endless restlessness and need for change is all about, but I suppose it’s better than drug addiction or becoming a mercenary. Actually, I think I might make a fine soldier of fortune if it weren’t for the whole armed conflict part. Admittedly, with the proper mix of Jack Daniels and love-gone-bad-fueled rage, I could give Courtney Love a run for her money, but I prefer not to work myself into such a lather on a regular basis.

Maybe if they had some kind of spy work where there was travel and intrigue and wigs and vinyl, but no actual danger or potential prosecution for treason? Pretty much sounds like the TV show Alias, and I probably missed my window to star in it.

Platinum blonde wig

This is a terribly cheap wig.

I suppose it’s just as well: I don’t really like Ben Affleck anyway.

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Welcome To the Synchronicity Vortex

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

That would be synchronicity like in the Carl Jung idea of an acausal principle that links events having a similar meaning by their coincidence in time, not the Police album of the same name, although who can ever get enough of “Every Breath You Take”? I, for one, cannot.

Skinny lady demon

The evil demonic boss lady looked something like this, only not as pretty. And with smaller boobs.

Anywho, I suspect you’re going to think I’m making this up, but I swear it’s the absolute truth: I’m starting to wonder if perhaps the blog is some kind of supernatural gravitational field. Admittedly, that sounds kind of stupid, but if you’ve seen The Matrix (and if you haven’t, go rent it now, assuming you’re not still in your primitive state and know how to rent stuff. Moreover, while I’m giving you advice, let me add: don’t bother with the sequel and the third one.) To restate, in Matrix terms, maybe this proposition makes more sense than you’re giving me credit for?

But you can’t judge until I lay it on you. So here goes: about five and a half years ago I left a job and a team of employees to take a more independent position at a company that wasn’t run by Nazis. Or so I thought. Aren’t they all – at the end of the day – run by Nazis? The new company maybe wasn’t quite as Nazi-ish as the one I left, more like Stalinist, but I did end up with a horrible, she-devil bitch of a boss – hateful shrew ***grumbles to self at mere memory*** – who was wildly insecure and not afraid to use it as a weapon. Let’s just say she took the passive out of passive aggressive.

Seriously.

She was a f*cking nightmare. Case in point, she hired one other woman who actually ended up doing time in a psychiatric ward after just a couple months on the job. Swear on my life. And I still know this woman – and owe her a email. Sorry, L, if you’re reading this. I just reminded myself that I heard from you about a month ago and didn’t get back to you yet. I will! Soon! Promise! And not just promises, promises… Anyway, I know the person driven off the edge by that evil witch boss, and she’s a good people and not otherwise unstable or prone to institutionalization.

Nazi rally

This reminds me of a company sales convention I was once forced to attend. Except ours was held at a Hilton.

Wow. Pardon me while I experience some PTSD. That lady really was incredibly out of control. So much so, that I went to HR and her boss and eventually even her peers and a number of failed recourses to try to get her removed from management. It did eventually happen, but I was long gone by then. Maybe someday I’ll write a post for you about the labyrinth of maneuvers I used to employ to avoid the Satanista and her ruthless mind games. Sufficed to say, I am the Houdini of politely avoiding trouble.

Anyway, at the time I left said position at the bank to go and slave under the Princess of Darkness, I had about a dozen people working for me directly or indirectly. I still communicate with some of them, but as life goes, a few got lost in the shuffle along the way. Cut to last week and the following (paraphrased a little to protect the innocent) in my inbox:

Hey Vanessa! I really love your site and blogs. You truly have a knack for this stuff, but that doesn’t surprise me. I stumbled on your site while searching for the meaning of life on my iPad :) . I hope you keep it up because it’s a really good read. I left XXX by mutual agreement long ago. I can be honest now- I hated that job and I hated being there. There was a little hope when you left because you were a little visionary, but they didn’t appreciate you.

What is the meaning of life

There you go. The big answer you've been waiting for.

Yes. It’s true. Someone I used to know.

Randomly found me again.

Via the blog.
While searching the internet for “the meaning of life.”

Wha…???

What???

Seriously, what???

The kicker is, this isn’t the first time someone has told me they’ve found the blog by searching “what is the meaning of life,” although this is the first time I’d known the person beforehand (so at least they were adequately forewarned that I have no such answers. I’m willing to take a guess, but that’s not really the same thing as knowing. Really. It’s not.)

Back to the point: WE’VE RECONNECTED BECAUSE SHE WAS SEARCHING THE WEB FOR ‘WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE’ AND FOUND MY BLOG.

Einstein on boat

He has kind of a Papa Hemingway vibe going on here.

Does that not blow your mind?

It blows mine.

Obviously there’s some strange force at work here, although the truly important part of the enigma – the “why” – eludes me. However, I guess some things just can’t be intellectually understood. So whether it’s simple coincidence (yeah, right) or synchronicity or something more, I’ll take it.

In fact, if the universe sees fit to send me some more mind-blowing coincidences or even just a mix tape with “Every Breath You Take” on it and maybe some Jay-Z, I’m game.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.”  -Albert Einstein

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What Dreams May Come

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

I was once on a flight from Tokyo to Seattle that left at 7am and got in at 6am THE SAME DAY (gotta love the International Dateline, that mayhem-causing minx) and spent the entire duration in pre-sunrise dawn. It seemed like everyone else on the  plane – some 300-odd people – was asleep. But not me.

What Dreams May Come heads

There are a shocking number of people who have done original paintings based on "What Dreams May Come." Odd.

Oh freaking no.

I sat there with a drunken chain-drinking-six-Coors Lights stranger asleep on my right shoulder and my now-ex crashed out on my left, while I was engrossed in a series of heart-wrenching and emotionally overwhelming flicks appearing on the giant screen before me: What Dreams May Come, One True Thing, and Stepmom.

In short, I bawled my goddamned eyes out for ten hours while simultaneously flipping out over the surreal reality that I was in a small metallic vehicle with 300-odd people who were all asleep while suspended in the air and what kind of magic makes this tin can fly anyway????

I’m kind of like the non-native primitive cast member in The Gods Must Be Crazy. I’m easily mystified. And seriously though, the gods must be crazy.

Shooting stars by lake

Thanks, as always, to the supernatural powers of the internet for instantly providing images a lot like my dreams.

So anyway, I guess that was a feeble attempt at explaining the title – or more likely, just some free association about the title – but either way you’re going to have to hear about one of my dreams again: last night I dreamt that I was living in a simple wooden house with several other people. We shared a large bedroom, but my stuff – some clothes and my laptop – occupied one corner. One morning I was sitting downstairs in the kitchen and found myself musing about how nice the fire felt…until I realized the fire was under the house and had burned up through a giant hole now in the floor. Before we could really react, the fire had spread and melted the roof trusses, which caused the house to fold in on itself. It was distressing, but it seemed that we could still live there while repairs were done.

In the dream, the house was in Bermuda, but from all appearances it was actually in Scandinavia or the North Pole – all shades of blue and snow-capped peaks and shooting stars. I was walking one night and turned back and the landscape – and mountains in the distance – were all different shades of cobalt and midnight and sapphire and azure, and above us were hundreds of shooting stars, almost like rain, pouring down into the huge lake to my left. It was so spectacular that I was speechless, and tried to take photos to capture the incredible magic of the moment.

Shooting stars moon lake wolf

Minus the wolf this is pretty accurate. And the giant moon reminds me of a different dream but that's neither here nor there.

Back at the house, things had gone from bad to worse. It had split into three sections and the outer two were in the process of falling off. While in the upstairs bedroom, I could see that my laptop was running…and sitting on a desk in a portion of the cabin that was going to collapse soon. I knew I needed to rescue it and salvage any writing on it. I crept onto the fragile surface of the collapsing portion, and grabbed the computer just in time for the entire structure to cave in. Miraculously – probably because it was a dream – the computer and I were just fine.

Renovation plans were still in order for the house, and I was looking forward to things returning to normal. However, I was dismayed when a few minutes later I was watching a man tell police how much he had loved his wife and how saddened he had been at her death…by fire. And then I realized he was talking about me.

I suppose the awareness that you’re no longer part of the dream because you’re dead is enough to wake a person up, and so I did.

The end.

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Maybe I should just get a boob job and move to England?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Because apparently that’s all it takes to be a bestselling author on the other side of the pond. Check out this insanity:

Katie Price’s new novel Paradise set to top book charts

Katie Price (Pic:Getty)

Katie Price is set to go straight to the top of the Sunday Times Bestseller list this week, with her new novel Paradise.

The former glamour model’s fifth novel, the final instalment in her Angel trilogy, will go straight in at number one for hardback fiction, outselling the number two book by two copies to one, her publisher, Random House, said.

Price, who chooses the plots for her books, penned by ghostwriter Rebecca Farnworth, said: “I think it’s brilliant that it’s number one. It just goes to show people that when I really put my mind to something it makes number one and it’s brilliant and I’m absolutely over the moon.”

A spokeswoman for Random House said: “Katie Price is one of the top novelists in the country and all of her books have gone straight to number one when they’ve been published, and Paradise is no exception to that.

“We’ve just heard that Paradise is going to be number one in The Sunday Times Bestseller List this coming weekend, and that’s all before today’s signing and her book tour which is around seaside towns.”

Dear Random House,

In addition to said boob job, I’m willing to go to seaside towns. Hell, I’ll move to a seaside town if that’s what the English readers want. I prefer if you didn’t insist on me getting a lobotomy, but I can fake it. I can get drunk in the afternoon and go out in public and make super idiotic comments about how amazing I am when I put my  mind to something when that “something” is basically nothing and amounts to no more than choosing a (probably) inane plot that someone else then goes and writes.

Hell, I can even devise these ridiculous plots on my own, so that’s one less employee on your pay roll. See? I’m already saving you money. The way I figure it, a book of Mad Libs could keep my bestselling author status intact for decades.

I realize talk is cheap, so take a gander at these gems:

1. A young girl from Brighton winds up in the jungle and is befriended by talking predators and friendly fur-covered creatures. Life is good. After avoiding the human world for years and spending most of her childhood coming up with weak book plots that other people will someday write, the young girl stumbles upon a village populated with other humans and learns the value of breast augmentation. She returns to civilization, quadruples the size of her mammaries, and becomes a reality TV “star.”

2. A fatally-shot Frenchman spends his last moments going on a tour de force through the Louvre hiding a series of complicated and cryptic clues and ciphers that can only be decoded by a vapid young woman from Brighton with laughably large fake breasts. To everyone’s amazement, she eventually solves the puzzles which lead her to a safety deposit box, which in turn contains more puzzles and cryptic clues and things that seem exciting if you’re not actually tasked with deciphering them. In that case, they just give you a headache. Happily, she’s really good at this puzzle stuff and ultimately figures out that Jesus had kids.

3. A young woman from Brighton is dating a vampire and it’s impossibly romantic and chaste except for the part where she gets a paper cut and his family tries to tear her limb from limb, but otherwise. However, said vampire is not a fan of fake hooters, so they break up. The young woman is heartbroken and depressed, but then starts hanging out with a new guy who – of course – is also not a regular person like everyone else, but a werewolf. There’s some kind of obvious Romeo and Juliet confusion and miscommunication and lack of cell phone connectivity wherein the original vampire boyfriend thinks the young woman has killed herself so he tries to kill himself and blah blah blah breast implants, modeling gigs, fame.

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