One Man’s Trash

Back off the wagon again, kids. Sorry about that. I’m afraid the extreme downside of living a highly boring life is that I have almost nothing to tell you…so I don’t. I’m not sure what the upside is, but when I figure that out, you’ll be the first to know.

At any rate, I’m kind of interested in finding an old Silvertone, Kay, or Hagstrom electric guitar – the budget guitars from the 60s – on the cheap. There are a relative abundance of them out there, it’s just that I’ve never seen them cheap. Thus, I figured (hoped) that from my location here in South Central Pennsylvania (somewhere between Gettsyburg and Harrisburg, specifically), that this might be doable. I’ve seen that “American Pickers” show: you have to go rural to get a bargain on a treasure.

The issue, it seems, is that I may have gone too rural.

It’s kind of like that scene in Tropic Thunder when Robert Downey Jr. warns Ben Stiller that he went too far. “Everyone knows you don’t go full retard.”

I clearly went too rural.  I went to a local flea market, and it was full retard. It was like 50 people woke up that morning and said to themselves, “I feel like hosting a really shitty garage sale full of utterly worthless crap!” However, instead of confining the sale of their junk to their own neck of the woods, they chose to load up their claptrap refuse, drive it across town, and pay ten dollars to proudly display it alongside like-minded optimists of the same ilk.

But don’t just take my word for it: take a gander for yourself.

Horrible taxidermy kitsch

What craftsmanship! Not all taxidermists are thoughtful enough to include both the feet AND a mirror.

Ceramic beer steins

Every day can be Oktoberfest!

Rock stars you never heard of

Classic album. The Beatles, Frank Sinatra, Spanky: it just doesn't get much better than this.

Ridiculous bedspreads

You can actually buy these blankets in any town with a large enough white trash population, but they never cease to bowl me over with their hideousness.

Depression glass makes me depressed

Someone robbed my grandma's tomb!!!

Beautiful woman driving

On my way there: hopes soon to be dashed.

Old cell phones for sale

I was too young and too poor to afford a cell phone when they first came out, but it's good to know that I can still get my hands on one - or seventeen - of those babies.

Taxidermied ferret

Without a doubt, the highlight of the flea market. To quote my friend Rob, "Is that a weasel in an aquarium, or are you just happy to see me?"

William's Grove Amusement Park roller coaster

The flea market is held on the grounds of an old, now defunct and otherwise abandoned amusement park. When I was a little girl, the Catholic school used to take us there one day a year: even then it totally sucked. You know it's bad if a seven-year old kid knows it's bad.

Holographic "art"

This isn't just awesome art: it's HOLOGRAPHIC awesome art.

Chucky doll in box

The problem with this doll is the horrible, mean face it's making. I might have bought it except the evil grimace makes me wonder if it might come to life and try to kill me.

flea market guitars

Martin guitars are made in the area, but do you think that made a damn bit of difference? In accordance with their surroundings, the two available instruments were complete and total crap. But of course.

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5 Responses to “One Man’s Trash”

  1. rauf

    Why don’t you buy these things and make a horror movie out of them ? The Doll and the blanket with huge truck and the wolf are perfect for horror movies.. i appreciate the people who make such things as they are sure that there are people out there who would buy such ghastly things. Spanky’s greatest Hits ? Who is Spanky ? Never heard and he has greatest Hits ?

    Still can’t stop laughing, your description is hilarious, made me very hungry. Its morning here in Chennai.

  2. wideawakeinwonderland

    Hi Rauf!
    First off, I owe you an apology: my blog etiquette is awful. WELCOME! Thank you for the comments!!! I looked at your blog and loved the photos. Gorgeous. I would LOVE to go to India. I’m not sure my digestive tract would agree, but screw it.

    As for the flea market: the whole place would make an excellent horror movie, actually. Or a documentary. People and their quirks are fodder for the best comedies, really. Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have no idea who Spanky is/was. That was kind off the joke (to me, anyway). Apparently he/she had his/her day to the degree that there’s a ‘greatest hits’ album.

    Per Wikipedia: Spanky and Our Gang was an American 1960s folk-rock band led by Elaine “Spanky” McFarlane. The band derives its name from Hal Roach’s popular Our Gang comedies of the 1930s (known to modern audiences as The Little Rascals). McFarlane was nicknamed “Spanky” because one of the band members, perhaps influenced by her last name, said that she resembled Our Gang star George “Spanky” McFarland. The group was known for its vocal harmonies.

    Wasn’t Spanky the fat kid?

  3. wideawakeinwonderland

    I love it, but I’m not sure 400 pre-programmed messages will cover some of the specifics we need like:
    I just ate ten packets of tartar sauce.
    Damn I hate that f*cking UPS man.
    I snagged an old cheeseburger wrapped in foil out of the trash, devoured it, barfed it up, and ate it again. Delish!
    I’m turning Japanese; I really think so.
    I’m eating tomatoes off the vine! Hahahaha. Stupid humans.
    I just ate thirty tulip bulbs and a box of Kleenex.

    etc.
    etc.
    etc.

  4. Frothy Afterbirth

    A swap meet sounds dirtier than flea market. I don’t know why. Last time I been to a swap meet, I dunno maybe 12 years ago, I was astounded with the invasion of Russian immigrants which equaled the number of Koreans hocking the faux merchandise.