The Title Alone Would’ve Put You To Sleep

I warned you this was coming. Don’t shoot the messenger, or throw the baby out with the bath water. And if you don’t want flour on your shoes, don’t go into the mill. Don’t bid the devil good day until you meet him, or mistake a goat’s beard for a stallion’s tale. One who is without cows must be his own dog, yet a living dog is better than a dead lion. And of course, as we all know, everything troubles you and the cat breaks your heart.

Everyone's favorite pervy uncle.

But I digress…

This isn’t a post about the obscure Irish sayings I happened to come across while wasting copious amounts of time as usual. No, this is about traffic management.

I know what you’re thinking: “What the hell are you talking about? Why would I care about that? I’m no city planner. This is not my problem. Oh, sure, I may bitch extensively about the constant back ups on I-5, but that’s as far as my obligation goes.”

It’s at around this point that I slap you – hard – and yell something Dr. “Bones” McCoyish like, “Dammit, Jim! (Or whatever your name is) I’m a doctor, not an electrician!” and you then snap of your whiney reverie and actually listen to me for once. Then you’d realize we’re talking about something different – yet equally boring. In this case, blog traffic management, and you’d give me the look I know so well: the look that says: “Are you f*cking kidding me?”

And then you slap ME hard, and I slap you back, and you slap me back, and I pull your hair, and there’s possibly some biting and name-calling, and I may or may not cry…just to throw you off for a second so that I have time to get behind you, jump on your back, and put you into a Full Nelson. After a few more minutes of scuffling, we would collapse – exhausted – into a heap on the floor, and you would tell me you didn’t mean any of those cruel things you said, and I would raise and eyebrow and give you a look that was meant to convey “Maybe I meant what I said, and maybe I didn’t, and you will have to just wonder which one it is.”

Don't get in a parked van with this man.

Then I would lean in conspiratorially and share with you three important things:

1. I could use $2500 or $4000 or whatever that stupid contest was supposed to pay out, but there’s no way in hell I’m actually going to win it because there’s equally no way in hell I can bring myself to write something so boring and useless and painful and…  Look, if you care about that crap, just Google “traffic management” or “driving traffic to your blog” or a million other derivations and enjoy all the lame brain ideas other lame brains have submitted already.

2. My friend Rob has some weird job driving traffic to a furniture store in the UK, and he’s told me that the people running the place are crooks. I don’t know if that means when you order a sectional sofa they then send you something meant for a Barbie dream house, or what, but he said they lie. I know: not good. So anyway, out of the blue, he texts me something like, “I will pay you to feature a blog on your site,” and I was sitting in the tub at the time, but wrote back anyway and said “Pay me in what? Crumpets? Clotted cream? My mother taught me never to be paid in clotted cream.” And then he wrote back, “Crumpets. Haha. Funny.” and never mentioned it again. So now I have no idea what he might have paid me, although I probably would have said no anyway, because as much as Baby needs a new pair of shoes, I’m just not willing to sell out, and certainly I wouldn’t want to be party to selling you shitty British furniture.

This guy wrote Fat Bottomed Girls. Of course he did. He's British too and probably eats crumpets. Call me Brian May: I know a place you can get some new furniture for your Barbie Dream House.

3. Then I would share with you this funny Garrison Keillor quote I saw. I know, I know. Garrison Keillor kind of reminds you of your ‘friendly fingers’ child molestor uncle. I don’t trust him either, and I certainly wouldn’t recommend getting into a van with him – especially if that van had tinted windows and naked lady mudflaps, let alone any kind of shag carpeting. But the quote’s cute, so listen up. Don’t make me slap you again.

“People have tried and they have tried, but sex is not better than sweet corn.”  -Garrison Keillor

Then we would share a chuckle, but agree he’s probably not doing it right.

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I should maybe stop drinking coffee.

Tags: Are blogs actually a legit way to achieve anything?, David Sedaris can make me laugh until tears roll down my face but SQUIRREL SEEKS CHIPMUNK: not so much. Maybe he should resume drinking?, Dear Scott: how is your schedule on June 14 and 15? I'm serious this time!, Doesn't it always seem like the really popular blogs are total shit?, driving traffic to your blog, Everything troubles you and the cat breaks your heart, Garrison Keillor looks like a child molester., Garrison Keillor looks like a pervert., Good god: Garrison Keillor can't sue me for this or anything right? I'm KIDDING. It's all similes and metaphors. I have no facts. The man takes a creepy photo: that's all., History suggests I will never be a blogger who makes actual money., Hmmmm..., I didn't say Garrison Keillor is any of these things: just that he looks like it., I just ate way too many BBQ potato chips, I may eat some five-day old Hot and Sour Soup. Wish me well..., I said it before and I'll say it again: I do not want to know about Julia Child's sex life, In many ways I am a prude, Life, Like that Julie and Julia thing: that was complete crap, me me me, Okay I never actually read the Julie and Julia blog OR the book but the movie was serious freaking crap, So I finally got the new David Sedaris book from the library (and the STILL haven't found that Joomla book. **cringe**) and it's...hmmm....disappointing. It's not even funny. So I'm disappointed but I, Sometimes I think it would be cool if this blog had dozens of commenters but then I realize I have no desire to moderate or respond to them all., Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk is not really that good., This would be a good title for my first album: Everything Troubles You and the Cat Breaks Your Heart. That or Fat Bottomed Girls, What can I say? I cannot sacrifice quality for the dreams of winning a contest I have no goddamned chance of winning., who cares about driving traffic to your blog, Why does it suddenly smell like onions in here? Am I cooking and forgot about it?

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