Jan

All hail the jaguar god!

For the most part, I’ve been completely and totally poo-pooing this end of the Mayan calendar slash end of the world stuff.

I mean, since when have we given a hoot about what the Mayans or Incans or Algonquins or Mohicans or any of them have to say about anything? Case in point: as a society we tend toward monotheism, we don’t play soccer with people’s heads, and I haven’t been able to trade anything for a handful of colorful beads since I was about eight years old.

This guy shows up, and I'm getting drunk and staying that way until the shit blows over or I'm dead, whichever comes first.

However, all that changed when I recently learned (and decided to accept as fact, so forgive me if this isn’t accurate) that the last time the Mayans predicted the end of their civilization, Cortés showed up and….um…kicked off the beginning of the end of their civilization by laying waste to the Aztecs.

So maybe it won’t be all polar shifts and earthquakes and John Cusack on an ark in China, but more like seeming good thing that we later realize has actually come to smote us? Thus, in honor of that possiblity, I offer some humble suggestions as to what we might look out for so as to recognize Quetzalcoatl, our formidable conqueror, when he/she/it arrives and party it up while there’s still a little time left:

1. The reanimation (no pun intended) of Walt Disney’s head. There’s Pixar animation now: the man could easily rule the world.

2. The occurence of any of the following being interviewed by one of the fine folks at CNN: Grays, Reptilians, Pleiadians, Alf, Mork, John Lithgow, or E.T.

3. Anything remotely resembling the Mayan Jaguar Diety of the Month of Pax, described by Wikipedia as having jaguar paws above his ears, a removed lower jaw, and vomits blood. I don’t know about you, but he had me at “vomits blood.” The missing lower jaw isn’t even necessary at that point, but I’m sure it adds some additional horrifying flair.

4. The physical manifestation/return of ANY diety – jaguar or not – to include but not limited to: Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, Xuan

This is how the Mayans depicted the jaguar god soon come to lay waste to our asses. He's kind of like a furious Mr. Potato Head.

Wu, Ahura Mazda, Pele, Zeus, Kwan Yin, Ganesha, or Haile Selassie.

5. Say what you will, but any continued growth of the celebrity or success of Sarah Palin, and I’m volunteering for a mission to Mars.

So there you go, folks. Charge it all to your credit cards as you will. Just tell them you’ve put it on the Jaguar God’s tab, ’cause for all we know, we’ve got only 345 days, 13 hours, and 33 minutes to party like it’s 1999….er….2012, and I, for one, could use a new pair of shoes.