Apr

Oh come on, Karma. Really!?

I just Googled my own blog to log in and finish up my little Haleakala story…and I found this very inhospitable warning that “This site may be compromised.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

There is nothing I hate more than problems with the blog, especially because:

a) I super dooper suck at all this internet stuff. I am a straight up, bonafide, short bus riding Internets idiot.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

b) I don’t know anyone who is good at WordPress and the like…even people I can hire. I am a straight up etc. idiot and so is everyone I know. (Sorry everyone I know, but unless you’re holding out on me, you know it’s true. You can’t fix this “site may be compromised” crap any better than I can. And if you can….my god, CALL ME!!!)

c) I am FINALLY – for the first time in four years – making a little money on the blog…and now this!!!! Nooooooooooo!!!

Karma, I am a good person. I have supported a kid in Burkina Faso for over four years and she doesn’t even answer my letters. And all things being equal, I’m too broke to send $50 a month to that ungrateful little… (Oops. Maybe that’s part of why this is happening?) I remember people’s birthdays. I write thank you letters. I give to the Salvation Army at Christmas time. I am friends with (almost) all my exes. I stop at crosswalks. I have only killed only one animal (recently. Again, maybe why this is happening. If it’s any consolation, I was mortified when I saw the spray of feathers blow out from behind my Jeep) with my car and that was entirely the animal’s (a myna bird) fault. I mean, who sleeps in the middle of the Hana Highway and expects to live!?!?!

So anyway, I’m being punished and that’s all I’ve got.

Meanwhile, totally panicked, I Googled this scenario (what else is there to do when you’re a total idiot?) and see things about how hard it can be for non-techie people (um. me.) to fix this stuff.

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!

(***Short pause while I lay on the floor and throw a full kicking and screaming tantrum a la a toddler.***)

So here’s the question I have for all of you: how the hell do I figure out if phishing or spamming pharmaceutical sites have added “invisible” links out to themselves? If they are invisible, how do I see them????

This could be a new Buddhist koan:

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
How do you see an invisible spam link to a pharmaceutical site?

For me, this is my worst internet nightmare raised to the power of a root canal and multiplied by watching paint dry. I HATE this stuff. I don’t understand it. I get panicky. I cry and semi-hyperventilate. I see dead people. I may get hives. Perhaps I’ll run down my street screaming in the middle of the night hoping someone will come out of their house and come help me find these invisible links.

***short pause again while I Googled the question I pose above. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK all over again.***

The worst part?

I’ve learned enough to be dangerous.

It was suggested I go to a site called “Bad Neighborhood” and have it scan this here wideawakeinwonderland.com for suspicious links and it found TWO. To the following:

Questionable:
Found on: www.technologyreview.com/computing/21705/page1/
URL: http://www.technologyreview.com/biomedicine/39707/?mod=Nav_Magazine_Feature
Anchor text: Foundation Medicine: Personalizing Cancer Drugs

Questionable:
Found on: www.technologyreview.com/computing/21705/page1/
URL: http://www.technologyreview.com/biomedicine/39707/?mod=MagMstEml
Anchor text: Foundation Medicine: Personalizing Cancer Drugs

But when I look at the page myself, I can’t find this. I don’t know where it lives. I don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t know how to stop it from happening in the future. I don’t know who wrote the book of love or why fools fall in love or why birds suddenly appear every time you are near, but if they are myna birds they may want to look out because I’m likely to cream them with my Jeep. I don’t even know what my name is. In short: I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

So web savvy people who read this blog, please give me a hand or lead me to a service or a smart nerd or something that won’t destroy my ever-loving soul that I can hire to make this yucky stuff go away. My password is so complicated that I don’t even remember it, but I guess that isn’t good enough. I don’t want to be pushing phoney pharmaceuticals for someone lame enough to do this, and I sure as hell don’t want to be flagged as a messed up website. I already crash Internet Explorer browsers on a regular basis. My work here is done.

Worse yet, if none of you do step forward, this means I will actually have to show up at the “WordPress MeetUp” group in Kihei tomorrow and, well, MeetUp. And hopefully meet someone I can hire and who isn’t trying to date me or get to know me Biblically or anything in between. I need help, but I prefer to pay with actual money. Or fancy beads and smallpox infected blankets. Whatever the market demands…minus the oldest profession.

Now to go drink something alcohol-based. And a lot of it. And hope the sunrise brings with it some good news or at least the name of someone (way) smarter than me…

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!