Attention, app developers! They often say it’s all been done before, but they are wrong. Watch and marvel as I present a list of (my) needs that haven’t (yet) been met. Get in on this action and watch the $1.99s minus whatever Apple takes roll in…or at least count on my $1.99 minus whatever Apple takes off the top.

1. There is currently no app that can tell me whether certain items in my fridge have gone bad or whether they’re supposed to smell that way.

2. I couldn’t trim my dog’s nails with my iPhone if my life depended on it. Somebody work on that.

3. Surely someone can get a tracking device onto a few celebrities. People would shell out to know what even B-List or long forgotten celebrities like Corey Haim (is that the one that’s still alive? I don’t remember. If not, then how about a grave cam!?) or Mr. T were doing this very second. (My guess on Mr. T is that it involves a cash for gold, but what do I know?)Truth be told, I like to think I wouldn’t shell out $1.99 to spy on Mr. T…but I probably would. Strong maybe, anyway.

4. There should be a retinal scan that looks deep into someone’s soul and can alert me right off the cuff as to exactly how crazy they are.

5. How about a meow translator? Imagine how much good advice Fu has given me that I didn’t understand. Sure, he’s a cat, but I’m also starting to think he’s a rinpoche or at least a lama of some kind.

6. Or how about something that would generate consistent good ideas for this blog!?

Oh. Um. Turns out that does exist, well maybe not the “good” modifier, but consistent anyway. Some of the apps ask mind-bogging questions that I suppose one is supposed to answer like, “What happens when lifestreaming captures ridicule?” Um. Huh? What? What’s lifestreaming? Is that like when there’s a cam in your house? I had this one app that dialed into public cameras all over the world, and some of the most popular ones appeared to be pointed at the kitchen table of a fat lady in Denmark or similar “observe my boring life” type stuff. Who does that!? (And, as a side note, there is your lifestreaming ridicule right there…)

I just downloaded one called WordDot. Its suggested topic for today was “Nonprofit musician.” Generally speaking, is there any other kind? They don’t call it starving artist for nothing…

Anywho, clearly I love my iPhone. I love it so much that I would shell out to replace it if – be still my heart – something tragic should ever befall it. Granted, I am not made of money, so no doubt that event would result in a search for iphone 4 deals or relentless whining to you guys in the hope you’d take pity and send me your old one or something, but so long as the technology and I were eventually reunited, all the bitching would be worth it. No really. It would. At least for me.

Libatique 73 lens and Kodot XGrizzled film.

You can’t imagine the misery otherwise. What would I do without Stargazer, the app that for a while there I thought might kill me? (HOT TIP: Do not put the top down on your Jeep and run that app – which shows you all the constellations and satellites and whatnot – at the same time. Car accidents or even death will ensue!) Or the bartender app I’ve never used once? Or those ridiculous ghost hunter apps I was briefly obsessed with? Or the games I am currently obsessed with? Or Hipstamatic, with which I just took a photo of me sitting on the floor and writing this very blog. Or the Shirdi Sai Baba one where I am instructed to:

1) Think of what bothers you

2) Think of a number between 1-720

3) Type the number that crossed your mind

4) Get Shirdi Sai Baba’s answer

In this case, it was “Keep faith. Work will be done during the period from the day after new moon to full-moon day. Things that never happened in the past will happen.”

Hmmm… I’m not sure how that’s relevant to what bothers me, but I’ll take it. Meanwhile, I could go into a big Sathya Sai Baba (who I guess claimed to be the reincarnation of Shirdi Sai Baba and I just realized died about a year ago. Guess that’s why he’s not manifesting any ash onto my altar) digression, but I’ll save that for another post and file it under “Yay! Blog fodder!”

On that note – armed with encouragement from Sai Baba (and having gleaned from my calendar that June 20-July 18 work will be done and things will start happening. New things. Things that never happened in the past. Hopefully good things… Now that I am a Maui-based freelance writer, I can only hope.) and a story to tell you next time – I bid you adieu.