I had about three even-keeled days.
Okay, probably just two, but still. They were a welcome relief. I actually called some people and arranged some interviews and stuff I’m supposed to be doing but haven’t been doing. Oh, I clearly haven’t explained myself well over the last few months either. In addition to the food writing, I also do the Arts and Entertainment for Maui Now. Since there is no real “assignment” ever – it’s kind of the Seinfeld of jobs. You have to invent things to talk about. – I decided to try to interview the big names when they come to our little rock.
This is hit or miss, as mentioned, but it’s fun when it hits.
And – believe it or not – the big names are easier to gain access to than the local talent. There are some real divas on this little rock.
So anyway, I was doing okay. My false hope propels me and all that.
But then last night?
Totally devastated again as if it was a brand new wound.
I have been working diligently on the new (anonymous) blog, so I won’t be torturing you with too much of my heartache and woe, but I ran across this quote again today and it makes even more sense now than it did a couple weeks ago:
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
She’s right – obviously – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
In fact, the hardest part of Buddhism, let alone life, is accepting the fact that we’re not in control of anything and the more we attach ourselves or try to control, the more we suffer.
Still, there are days I take this REALLY personally.
It’s so unfathomable and there is no template for what this means or why it has happened or how to even understand it.
As a dear friend of mine wrote last night, “He is a paradox. I have never heard of someone who so clearly loved someone else just cut them out of their life. I understand how unbearable this must be.”
My dad perhaps put it best, “I’ve never heard of anything like this…and I’ve been alive a long time.”
Although my mind knows what Pema Chodron has written is true, my heart is taking this personally. Like if I was a better person or more lovable or worthwhile, he wouldn’t or couldn’t have done this to me. Or he would have at least sent a text cutting me loose and changed his Facebook and removed the “in a relationship”” and my false hope (which is all but lost at this point.)
Between you and me, it has truly made me feel deeply insignificant and even worthless: like I’m not even enough to say goodbye to.
As I’ve said before: super unfun times
I’ll try to channel all this angst and pain into my new blog moving forward and hopefully come up with something entertaining soon.
Again, I am sorry to have talked about this so much, but having a year and a half long relationship totally vanish into thin air (without so much as a spat or other fathomable precursor) has arguably been the most painful experience of my life.
If your own loved one is still around, give them a hug just for showing up.
Apparently it’s harder for some of us than I would have guessed.