Archive for December, 2012

See Ya Later, Alligator

Monday, December 31st, 2012

“Lack nothing: be merry”

~Shakespeare, Henry IV

 

I doubt people would enjoy champagne as much if opening a bottle of it resulted in a small fiery explosion.

It’s almost over. Arguably the most hopeful, horrific, joyful, painful, free falling, unexpectedly memorable year of my life.

Over and out.

2012: Kiss my ass.

Thank god they invented the new year: the seed in our minds blooming into the idea of a fresh start or another chance. What would we do if it all just ran into one big blob? Well, except consider ourselves to be a lot younger.

Still, specifically calculated advanced years and all, I  am glad to see the door close on 2012: the Year the Mayans Tried to Kill Us.

So here’s to survival instincts, old loves, lost causes, dear friends, dashed hopes, clean water, shooting stars, bold dreams, bigger actions, and endless possibility.

May your joys be as deep as the ocean, and your misfortunes light as its foam.

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Merry Christmas To You

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Seasons’ greetings from the whitest place on Maui…under the blankets on my bed.

It’s a little nippy this morning (well, nippy in a tropical way) which is kind of nice and makes me not really want to get up and walk the dog and listen to the cat scream like a banshee for his breakfast.

Hell, who am I kidding? I never feel like doing any of that.

Anyway, and as you know, it’s a bit of a melancholy Christmas around these parts, but I decided to (wo)man up and face it head on. I have not one, but two fully decked out Christmas trees set up. I have about ten wrapped boxes under said trees – some, admittedly empty, because when I first set it up around Thanksgiving I was totally going through the motions. However, there are some real presents there now: gifts from friends, family, or “Santa” (I say lying to myself is perfectly acceptable in certain circumstances.) Santa heard about those turquoise boots I wanted for my birthday and decided to show me some love.

I have a ham in the fridge and a half-dozen half-prepared side dishes and at least 20 people coming by today to eat some it and hang out and hopefully help me stay in gratitude and focus on what is good in my life.

I’ve always been someone who loved Christmas.

I used to sit in Catholic mass and read the hymnal, humming all the Christmas songs to myself. My father accused me of being Italian (apologies to all the Italians out there as apparently my family associates your heritage with being tacky.) when I left a fully lit mini Christmas tree up in my room year-round. The summer of my 11th year, I was banned from touching my step-grandparents’ organ because I wouldn’t stop playing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on it. Granted, my piano stylings were self-taught and it was summertime…

Anyway, I think that twinkling light-loving, carol bellowing, starry eyed little girl in me will carry the day. At least I hope so.

And hopefully, wherever you are you, the magic of the season finds you and gives you a little kiss.

Merry Christmas and God bless us, everyone.

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Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

Saturday, December 22nd, 2012

Well, Kids, we’re still here.

Can’t say I’m terribly surprised.

Not that I’m in charge of the world or anything, but I couldn’t really wrap my brain around how it was all supposed to “end,” and I have a general sense that if I can’t imagine it, it probably won’t come true.

I suppose there’s always the chance we’ll be nuked by an asteroid or solar flared into Kingdom Come, but I hope not. I need more time to recover from this latest blow and find my happily ever after.

So here’s hoping for at least another decade or two.

In conclusion – for tonight anyway – and in the words of Patty Griffin,
“May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head.

I wish you well.

 

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It Gets Better…and Then It Gets Worse

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

I had about three even-keeled days.

Okay, probably just two, but still. They were a welcome relief. I actually called some people and arranged some interviews and stuff I’m supposed to be doing but haven’t been doing. Oh, I clearly haven’t explained myself well over the last few months either. In addition to the food writing, I also do the Arts and Entertainment for Maui Now. Since there is no real “assignment” ever – it’s kind of the Seinfeld of jobs. You have to invent things to talk about. – I decided to try to interview the big names when they come to our little rock.

This is hit or miss, as mentioned, but it’s fun when it hits.

And – believe it or not – the big names are easier to gain access to than the local talent. There are some real divas on this little rock.

So anyway, I was doing okay. My false hope propels me and all that.

But then last night?

Totally devastated again as if it was a brand new wound.

This SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS.

I have been working diligently on the new (anonymous) blog, so I won’t be torturing you with too much of my heartache and woe, but I ran across this quote again today and it makes even more sense now than it did a couple weeks ago:

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

~Pema Chodron

She’s right – obviously – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

In fact, the hardest part of Buddhism, let alone life, is accepting the fact that we’re not in control of anything and the more we attach ourselves or try to control, the more we suffer.

Still, there are days I take this REALLY personally.

It’s so unfathomable and there is no template for what this means or why it has happened or how to even understand it.

As a dear friend of mine wrote last night, “He is a paradox. I have never heard of someone who so clearly loved someone else just cut them out of their life. I understand how unbearable this must be.”

My dad perhaps put it best, “I’ve never heard of anything like this…and I’ve been alive a long time.”

Although my mind knows what Pema Chodron has written is true, my heart is taking this personally. Like if I was a better person or more lovable or worthwhile, he wouldn’t or couldn’t have done this to me. Or he would have at least sent a text cutting me loose and changed his Facebook and removed the “in a relationship”” and my false hope (which is all but lost at this point.)

Between you and me, it has truly made me feel deeply insignificant and even worthless: like I’m not even enough to say goodbye to.

As I’ve said before: super unfun times

I’ll try to channel all this angst and pain into my new blog moving forward and hopefully come up with something entertaining soon.

Again, I am sorry to have talked about this so much, but having a year and a half long relationship totally vanish into thin air (without so much as a spat or other fathomable precursor) has arguably been the most painful experience of my life.

If your own loved one is still around, give them a hug just for showing up.

Apparently it’s harder for some of us than I would have guessed.

 

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