It Gets Better…and Then It Gets Worse

I had about three even-keeled days.

Okay, probably just two, but still. They were a welcome relief. I actually called some people and arranged some interviews and stuff I’m supposed to be doing but haven’t been doing. Oh, I clearly haven’t explained myself well over the last few months either. In addition to the food writing, I also do the Arts and Entertainment for Maui Now. Since there is no real “assignment” ever – it’s kind of the Seinfeld of jobs. You have to invent things to talk about. – I decided to try to interview the big names when they come to our little rock.

This is hit or miss, as mentioned, but it’s fun when it hits.

And – believe it or not – the big names are easier to gain access to than the local talent. There are some real divas on this little rock.

So anyway, I was doing okay. My false hope propels me and all that.

But then last night?

Totally devastated again as if it was a brand new wound.

This SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS.

I have been working diligently on the new (anonymous) blog, so I won’t be torturing you with too much of my heartache and woe, but I ran across this quote again today and it makes even more sense now than it did a couple weeks ago:

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

~Pema Chodron

She’s right – obviously – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

In fact, the hardest part of Buddhism, let alone life, is accepting the fact that we’re not in control of anything and the more we attach ourselves or try to control, the more we suffer.

Still, there are days I take this REALLY personally.

It’s so unfathomable and there is no template for what this means or why it has happened or how to even understand it.

As a dear friend of mine wrote last night, “He is a paradox. I have never heard of someone who so clearly loved someone else just cut them out of their life. I understand how unbearable this must be.”

My dad perhaps put it best, “I’ve never heard of anything like this…and I’ve been alive a long time.”

Although my mind knows what Pema Chodron has written is true, my heart is taking this personally. Like if I was a better person or more lovable or worthwhile, he wouldn’t or couldn’t have done this to me. Or he would have at least sent a text cutting me loose and changed his Facebook and removed the “in a relationship”” and my false hope (which is all but lost at this point.)

Between you and me, it has truly made me feel deeply insignificant and even worthless: like I’m not even enough to say goodbye to.

As I’ve said before: super unfun times

I’ll try to channel all this angst and pain into my new blog moving forward and hopefully come up with something entertaining soon.

Again, I am sorry to have talked about this so much, but having a year and a half long relationship totally vanish into thin air (without so much as a spat or other fathomable precursor) has arguably been the most painful experience of my life.

If your own loved one is still around, give them a hug just for showing up.

Apparently it’s harder for some of us than I would have guessed.

 

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3 Responses to “It Gets Better…and Then It Gets Worse”

  1. JR

    Blaming yourself? You, worthless and insignificant? No, no…

    When you leave a worthless relationship, it is easy to have an argument and go. Silence is the explanation you get when someone just can’t justify their behavior, not even to themselves. When they just cant find the words. Not the case in front of insignificance…

    It could be shame, for whatever reason. Or madness, or numbness, or who knows what. But one thing is for sure: such a long silence makes THEM worthless and insignificant. You can’t rely or expect anything from such a coward. And, sad as it is, any meaning this relationship might have had ain’t there, anymore.

    I really think you should preserve the good memories, but radically determine yourself to erase this person from your hopes, or worries, now. Not your call, anymore. Literally.

    SHINE ON!
    XOXO!

  2. JR

    P.S.
    That Arts and Entertainment writing new job sounds really great!!! It suits you perfectly. Like an official aloha to the famous newcomers.

    “Hi, this is Maui, we like what you do, and are happy to have you around. What’s on your mind?”

    LOL. Sure it is something I would subscribe to.
    : )

  3. Maxxy

    Sorry I have been here in ages, but the Pc I usually view this on spent 6 months turning your site into a blank page everytime I visited. But now it seems it has returned to semi-normality.

    So sorry to hear of the shit going on in your life. As you quote though, maybe the universe is unfolding as it should, and there are things to be learned and then to move on. Another one for your old site – Douchebags…..

    I have to find myself a new job next year, as I’m being made redundant in March. I’ve already been looking since March this year and have found nothing so far. But I still have three months to go….something will turn up….. even if it’s as a Janitor somewhere. Or shoe shiner. It’s not quite the same feeling of worthlessness that you have, but I have it. Who am I kiddin’ that I can get another job stepping up from where I am now. I can’t even do the job I have.

    Anyhows, I don’t know whether it’s possible or not, but if you can, have a good xmas and new year. I often think of you, even if I’m not around. You were born in my year, and I like to think that gives us some sort of connection.

    May the Universe take care of you…..

    Maxx