There’s so many options to waste time.

Her old nose was thicker, but with the new one, maybe a little bit. But not really. I don't know. I have no perspective.

Let me count the ways…

At the moment, there’s a stupid Facebook thing going around where you’re supposed to go to urbandictionary.com and do a search on your first name and then post it as your status.

There’s also one where you’re supposed to change your profile picture to your ‘celebrity doppleganger.’ but I don’t have one. Once in a blue moon someone says I look like Jennifer Aniston, but I don’t see it. She has a lot more chin than I do.

Anyway, normally I don’t do any of that stuff, and my status pulls from Twitter, but I decided to look it up just to see. And blow me down, if names were a beauty contest, I’m taking first prize.

I had no idea people were out there defining names on urbandictionary.com as if they were blanket truths (or words to be defined), but take a gander:

Vanessa

1. A moderately common name for an American female; pretty; hot; beautiful; perfect; cutest girl you’ll ever see; angel

2. As stated in other definitions of vanessa she is always known as being cute, and is the basic definition of perfection. she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and is perfect in every single way. people associated with the name vanessa are usually attracted to large wooden clocks.
vanessa is beautful and perfect

***What? Clocks? Large wooden clocks? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean people associated with me have the clock fetish or that I’m supposed to? (Must pay more attention to wooden clocks moving forward…)***

3. Means Butterfly in greek

***Actually, it doesn’t. In ancient Greek “psyche” was the word for butterfly, but now it’s petalou’da.***

When I was a little girl, people would always ask me if I was named after Vanessa Redgrave. I had no idea who Vanessa Redgrave was, but I would always say "Yes" because it seemed easier that way.

4. The hottest chick on EARTH, damnn you know that ANYONE named Vanessa is the hottest chick you will ever see. Anyone named Vanessa is hottest than the damn sun itself.

BOY1: yeah I’m hanging out with vanessa today.
BOY2: V-v-v-v-anessa..is her name?
BOY1: yeah dude why?
BOY2: SHES SOOO HOTT ISNT SHE?!?!
BOY1: NO SHIT BRO, NO SHIT..EVERY CHICK NAMED VANESSA IS HOTT.

5. A beautiful girl.
Loves music, hanging out with her friends, and eating.
Very friendly, sexy, and stylish.
The one best friend everyone wants.
The one girl every guy wants.
Shes tough so dont mess around with her.
Shes the most special girl in the world.

I want to meet my perfect Vanessa.

***This is uncanny. Has someone been following me around???***

6. Cute, beautiful, Visionary, Amazing, Neat, Amusing

Vanessa, You’re the only Vanessa in my world.

7. Smart, Funny, Charming, Caring, Responsible, Beautiful, Gorgeous Eyes that would be so easy to get lost in, yet you would never care, so lost yet held there so happy so content, and a smile that lights up a room and makes your heart pound. A rare combination, someone beautiful inside as well as outside.

Vanessa is an amazing person.

***On second thought, all this is a bit much. I’m starting to get creeped out. Why on earth have so many people written these wackadoo “definitions” for the name Vanessa? Weren’t the first five more than enough?***

8. Invented by Jonathan Swift as a nickname for his lady friend Esther Vanhougan.

That is pretty cute.

9. The most amazing types of people. Always makes a best friend and never lets you down. Loves green tea and tea tree and has the most amazing lime coconut cookies Super pretty and loves Simba Shares an interest in Disney movies with Avonlee. The most amazing type of person in the world and everyone who knows a Vanessa is very lucky <3

***Simba like The Lion King? Obviously this one was written by a ten-year old. But it’s still spot-on in many ways…***

Just so you don’t think it’s all about me (although it mostly is), here’s the definition for my very best friend.

Dozer

1. Marijuana, Weed, Herb, Mary Jane, Reefer, Grass, Dope, Green, Green Wood.

Smoking marijuana tends to get some people sleepy, in other words some people “doze” off.

-That dozer we smoked knocked me out

-Yall niggas think I’m trippin cuz I’m on dat dozer -Master P

He is a serious dope.

I had no idea.

2. A person who toils mindlessly at the same mundane endeavors as their forefathers without ever seeking to alter their course or advance their processes in anyway. (from HBO’s Fraggle Rock, Dozers perpetually built and rebuilt structures for the Fraggles to devour)

The dozers can’t seem to grasp the idea because it wasn’t listed in the manual.

Tee hee. It’s funny because it’s true. And it explains the random girl in the street who once gushed on about Fraggle Rock. We didn’t have HBO when I was a kid.

3. A Bulldozer

In other news, I’ve become obsessed with VH1’s Celebrity Rehab Season Three (and those of you watching know what I’m talking about – Dennis Rodman! Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore AND they used to be in love and she got him on meth and he ultimately betrayed her!!! Mackenzie Phillips!!!!!), and when I was told that Leif Garrett (who I had to Google to figure out who that was. Whatever. Before my time.) was arrested for heroin possession, my very first thought was, ‘Yay! He can go on the next Celebrity Rehab!”

EXHIBIT A: Dennis Rodman.

I also have a huge crush on Dr. Drew. I don’t even have addiction problems, but I would like to check into the Pasadena Recovery Center and tell Dr. Drew all my sad stories and have him affirm that he is witnessing my pain right now and make it all better.

But I digress…

What I wanted to say is that I discovered you can watch complete episodes of Celebrity Rehab on VH1’s website and there was a still shot of Dennis Rodman on the screen, and I had a sudden epiphany: Dennis Rodman looks exactly like Mrs. Potato Head.

Seriously, give him a little red purse and slap a daisy on his wrist, and it’s doppleganger time.

EXHIBIT B: Mrs. Potato Head. (The defense rests.)

Dennis, if you’re out there and you have a Facebook account, feel free to update your profile picture accordingly.

To quote whatever the heck news source published the following tidbit that I accidentally stumbled upon and thought worthy of your attention:

“Black lab Bronson’s owner, Deborah Allen, trundled home from the nearby fields with a poisonous reptile hanging from his face.

Poor Puppy.

Bronson is often bringing objects he finds in the fields back to his owners’ farmhouse at Yarragon, near Melbourne, Australia, but the day he brought home the deadly copperhead snake topped them all for Deborah and her husband Peter.

The snake’s tail was in Bronson’s mouth, its body was wrapped around his jaw and the reptile’s head was dangling down between the dog’s feet.

Deborah and Peter were terrified that the snake might raise its fangs and give Bronson a deadly bite, but it appeared to have come off the worst in the battle between canine and reptile and was in a dazed state.

‘The first thing we did was grab a camera and take a picture, because this had to be believed,’ said Deborah. ‘The look on Bronson’s face left us in no doubt he was feeling very sad about having his mouth clamped shut by the snake’s body.

‘You could see by his expression that he just wanted the picture session to be over with as soon as possible.’”

Yes. He was hoping you’d get past the pictures and get on to the snake removal.

However, when Bronson didn’t realize is that the first thing you do when a snake bites you or a pet is take a photo of it. That’s snake bite 101. Snake bite = photo time.

Better yet, bust out your video camera and take your best shot at “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

Imagine the hilarious voice-over they’d give this venomous situation! A veritable laugh riot! Hilarious stuff!

So anyway…

The couple were eventually able to remove the snake by lowering a grain bag to the ground and then pulling it up over the reptile, while at the same time pulling its body from Bronson’s mouth.  ’As soon as I said “give” Bronson dropped the snake right into the bag and we sealed up the ends.

They then rushed Bronson to a local vet, where a blood test confirmed he had received a bite from the snake. He was put on a drip and after four days was allowed to return home in the best of health.

Now first off, being no stranger to vet overnight visits, let me tell you a mere ‘four days on a drip’ is going to run about $4000. Seriously. And if they start doing EKGs and whatever the hell else they deem necessary? Well, it’s worse than a mechanic who realizes you have no idea how a car works.

Secondly, the photo thing really does kind of blow my mind. Especially now that I know that the dog had already been bitten. On the other hand, without the photo there probably wouldn’t be much of a news story…so I guess I should bear that in mind the next time Dozer eats a huge Costco package of dried mangos (last night) or a 14 oz. container of chocolate cover-espresso beans or a box of raisins or whatever other toxic substance comes his way next.

A picture tells a thousand words, so (obviously) photos make it an awesome story!

And thus, here one is, repeated in my blog for your reading enjoyment. Maybe not so much because it’s fascinating or news-worthy or life-affirming, but because it makes me feel better about my own idiot dog. Sure he’s been stung – in the mouth – snapping at yellow jackets, but he’s never brought home a poisonous snake.

Yet.

Good boy!

I sometimes get this idea to move to Kauai and bring Dozer and open some kind of business called “Island Dog” that features his smiling face with a big lei around his neck.

Island dogs spotted in the distance

I have no idea what this fantasy business does, I simply have an unshakeable knowing that Dozer’s happy and newly Hawaiian mug would make for fine advertising.

Anyway, I was at the beach yesterday and these two dogs were running around, tied together with a surf board tether.

Now, the inherent arrogance of the dog chain gang is the assumption that at least one of them is not a raving idiot…and that the ‘good’ one is the dominant dog.

In my case, back when I had two dogs, this would have been a terrible plan.

Pixie, my German Shepherd, was physically much smaller, but she was also about three hundred times more clever. And she lived to run off. My nickname for her was “The Bolter” as there was nothing that dog loved better than to catch the scent of a rabbit two miles in the distance and take off after it…with Dozer in tow.

Headed my way.

The amazing thing was if you called Dozer, he would often come back.

Tether them together?

Not so much.

So anyway, back to my point, these two dogs – a Jack Russell Terrier and ???. I don’t know. Maybe a white Jack Russell? Or a Jack Russell mixed with something white? – were tied together and roaming the beach. I can only assume from both locale (Donkey Beach – rough waves for anything but surfing) and circumstance (the surfboard tether holding them together) that their owner was a surfer who’d left them to do as they pleased as he rode the waves.

I saw them walking around and kind of waited for the moment when one would try to go one way and the other would have none of it and there’d be a battle of wills…but that didn’t happen. Rather, in tandem, they sensed the vibe of a sucker and came and hung with me. And they were super mellow and kick-back, which I suppose is befitting a Kauai-based surfer dog.

Unsure about sloppy kisses from a strange island dog. The SPF 500 I favor gives me the appearance of an escaped member of a Kabuki theater troupe.

I didn’t have any food, but they didn’t seem to mind. The white one (the male) content to hang out on my towel, and the bi-color female not far off. And not to imply there’s some magic power I have over dogs, when I got up to leave, they simply rearranged themselves a few feet from where I’d been, and continued hanging out on the sand. So there’s really no point here. Just I wanted to share my humorous observation about the arrogance of tying two dogs together and letting them roam. And publish these cute doggie pictures. And I suppose that has led to the realization that I could dress Dozer up like an island dog, but he’d never really be one.

Even five minutes alone on a beach could result in a wide variety of disasters:

General barking and growling at small children – He’s afraid of toddlers…and most pre-schoolers…and anyone with a really high-pitched or shrieky voice gets him amped out of his mind.

Food snatching – I tell people that living with Dozer is like living with a black bear. You have to hang all your food from the trees or store it in bear-proof containers. He’d pretty much go through a car windshield if he thought there was a slice of pizza in it for him.

With my new best friends.

Separation anxiety – If he’s left alone in a strange place, he gets anxious and starts howling and digging at the door.

General mayhem – That could run the gamut from digging a large hole right next to someone’s blanket to heading off into the hills in search of adventure to more of the food snatching previously mentioned.

In other words, even if he does one day become an island dog in name, I will never tie a surf board tether to him and let him roam freely. So you can rest easy in that regard.

And  yet I’m compelled.

I’m not sure how I found this (File under: The magic of the internet), but check it out:

What if pets ruled the holiday season? Would ugly holiday sweaters be buried in the snow? Would carolers sound like whirring can openers? Describe the perfect holiday season from your pet’s point of view, and you could win big!

Pamper Your Dog Package ($6,795 Value)

The Ultimate “Pamper Your Pet” prize package, brought to you by Purina, includes:

• Roundtrip coach airfare for two (plus your pet) to New York City (Travel must be booked by 3/31/2010)
• Pet-friendly hotel accommodations for two nights and dinner for two in New York City
• A private training session with one of Biscuits & Bath’s expert trainers
• Customized dog grooming session
• 1 Luxury dog house and more!

Pamper Your Cat Package ($5,800 Value)

A Natural Health Weekend at the Sagamore Resort on beautiful Lake George includes:

• Airfare to and from the closest airports (Travel must be booked by 1/15/2010)
• Deluxe accommodations for three nights
• Spa treatment and dining package
• Breeze For Cats system with 1 year supply of refill litter
• Heated pet bed, automatic pet water fountain and more!

Wipe Your Paws Home Makeover Package ($28,000 Value)

One lucky winner will receive a pet room/area makeover complete with:

• Custom room sketch for pet room or area by Libby Langdon, an interior designer and expert commentator on HGTV’s “Small Space, Big Style” (Photos for room makeover must be submitted by 3/31/2010)
• Phone consultation from designer
• $8,500 to bring the design to life
• Personal organizer from Real Simple to organize the home closet and pet area

Best In Show Package ($5,100 Value)

You’re invited by Us Weekly magazine to celebrate the hottest in entertainment at the annual star-studded Hot Hollywood party. Prize package includes:

• Round trip coach airfare to and from Los Angeles, CA (Travel must be booked by 3/31/2010)
• Two nights hotel accommodations
• Two tickets to the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood party in April 2010
• Custom pet basket with grooming products, leash set, dog bowl and dog bed
• Custom dog house, gift basket and more!

Licking Chops Package ($4,375 Value)

The Purr-fect Epicurean Adventure Prize Package includes:

• Roundtrip coach airfare for two to New York City from the closest major airport (Travel must be booked by 3/31/2010)
• Double occupancy accommodations for two nights at a celebrated New York hotel
• Two dinners at “purr”ific restaurants such as BLT Fish, Blue Fin, Lure Fishbar, Mary’s Fish Camp or Red Cat
• A trip to New York City’s acclaimed MOMA to see Paul Klee’s iconic “Cat and Bird” painting
• 1 Cooking Light® Gift Basket, 1 year supply of Purina pet food and more!

Oh man, I don’t even know where to start with this.

But let me say…Dozer does not travel well.

The last time he stayed in a hotel, I left him for 30 minutes to get some lunch and when I got back the guy in the room next door was moving out.

Whoops.

He’s a howler.

With mild separation anxiety.

Sorry ’bout that.

Plus, putting him on a cross-country flight to spend two nights in a dog house (prison), getting trained (Nazis) and groomed (torture) is probably the opposite of his “wonderland” and certainly nothing he would describe as “pampering.”

To be frank, Dozer’s perfect holiday season would involve being camped on the couch and delivered an unlimited quantity of roast turkeys to devour at his leisure, and I’m not so sure that reality is a contest winner…

Now Fu on the other hand.

Fu is travel-sized.

And fancy.

And magazine-worthy.

And I think he might make a nice excuse to win a free trip to NYC. Just one question: On this ‘purr’ific restaurant…I don’t have to take a f*cking cat into a NYC restaurant, do I?

Cause that would be awkward.

Even more awkward?

A $28,000 pet room.
What the eff???

I have enough “my pet thinks I’m his servant” problems (times two). Designing him a special room and closets and featuring this nonsense on TV?

Count me out.

It’s Licking Chops or bust…

So you know when you’re at a huge concert and you’ve been drinking beer and holding it as hard as you can because you don’t want to miss a single second and then finally there’s the intermission and physiologically you can take no more and you simply MUST go to the bathroom and then there’s a huge, long line and you endure that for ever and ever and ever…and then FINALLY you get your chance and are able to go?

Check and mate. Dozer can so top that.

Last night

This one time I went and saw the musical Wicked on Broadway (AMAZING!!!) in Manhattan and the line for the women’s room was down the block and there was some kind of employee in there drill sergeanting us through the occasion (“All right girls! Hurry! Hurry! HURRY! Two minutes and counting, girls!!! Move it along! Make it count! One minute and thirty seconds, girls! I’ve got a line here! Move it along!!! Move it!!!!”) in a completely nerve-wracking manner. (I suppose I’m fairly unaccustomed to being screamed at while using the bathroom…)

But I managed to get through it and go somehow, and I felt both relieved and triumphant and definitely faster than the girl in the adjacent stall, and I got back into the theatre right before the intermission ended, and before they locked the doors.

What I’m saying – and please forgive the inherent rudeness of this suggestion – but do you know the insane pleasure of finally going to the bathroom when you REALLY have to go to the bathroom?

Well, Dozer had been on an IV for 24 hours and was insanely pumped full of fluids.

And didn’t pee.

Not once.

In 24 hours.

He's home!!!

And they were a little bit freaked out about this, although mostly convinced that he wasn’t comfortable enough to let ‘er rip…as it were.

And I got him home and took him on a very short walk where he proceeded to go – and I am not exaggerating here – for three solid minutes. It was like that scene in the first Austin Powers movie after they wake him up from being frozen for thirty years…except it lasted five times as long. I was honestly surprised he was able to balance on three legs for such an extended period.

Anyway, this is a long-winded and probably overly descriptive way of saying he’s home and (minus some obsessive licking of the area where they shaved his arm) doing just fine.

In fact, he’s back up on the counters like it never happened.

Idiot.