I have been busy before in my life, but never like this.

On an average day, I

a) write eight pages (a chapter) of my new novel (plus all the research related to the information actually placed on those eight pages)

Dozer begging for an elk burger.

b) walk the dog two or three times

c) clean the house in some fashion, which includes but is not limited to: vacuuming, mopping, wet vacuuming/carpet cleaning, dusting, pillow straightening, stuff putting away-ing, junk mail tossing, fridge emptying, bed making, cat litter box cleaning, sheet and towel washing, toilet scrubbing, etc. etc. etc. etc. ETC. Argh!

d) work on freelance queries

e) work on freelance assignments

f) give a hypnotherapy session

g) work on hypnotherapy-related advertising/marketing/SEO stuff

h) work on developing the seven other sites I have in some stage of development

i) work on totally revamping this site (really! I have been studying advanced WordPress and even took a class: it’s a lot less intimidating now, and I think I can pull it off. Considering this list it won’t be next week, but I think it will be before the end of 2012)

j) entertain/chat with people staying with me

k) write food reviews

l)  eat for food reviews (more time-consuming than you would think. Can I tell you how many “one man show” restaurants and food trucks I’ve eaten at lately where a solo guy is cooking for the whole place? Way too many…)

Poli Poli: a redwood and eucalyptus forest near Kula.

m) work on my garden here at the house

n) work on my garden up in Hai’ilemaile (okay, that one isn’t daily, but on the days it does happen it takes ALL DAY)

o) work out

p) pay bills and other thankless tasks that must be done

q) fret about turning 40

r) pray the already done novel will be read and SOLD (!) soon so I can take a half-dozen items off this list

s) play Words with Friends (okay, okay, I can see where you think this item isn’t necessary, but who will wipe the floor with my friends if I don’t?)

t) answer email (which I’m pretty poor at…and very slow)

u) return phone calls: ditto

v) remember to feed the pets

w) make coffee and cook food

The editor didn’t use this one, but I thought it was kind of funny: the debris left behind by that wood-fired pizza.

x) remember to feed myself

y) clean up the horrible mess that cooking and feeding myself makes of my NO DISHWASHER (**sob**) kitchen

z) shower once in a while and put on clean clothes

Oh, and as of yesterday I want to start my own food truck. I have a truly genius idea. I even have the name. I would run it at lunch time and maybe the occasional weekend night. Now I just need $20K for a food truck…

So should that task be aa or should I just switch to a numbering system? Or switch to a numbering system and stay one step ahead and join AA just in case? Might not be a bad idea to join AAA, too, while I’m at it…

Hey…

Did I put blogging on this list?

I don’t think so, which  means valuable time is being a-wasted talking to you lovely peeps. Gotta go work on a, c, g, k, p, q, u, x…

Although not remotely at the point of making a living off my creative efforts, I’m clearly still willing to embrace my snobby inner artiste from time to time. Although I’m not exactly proud of this, I have to forgive myself. Don’t get me wrong, it was bound to happen: the conflict between commerce and art has gone on as long as there has been commerce around to place (perceived) value on all the art.

Nonetheless, it occurs to me that perhaps I’ve been looking at this all wrong: I am proud of this blog, but it’s hardly a Faulkner novel. Moreover, in all my clamoring for blog fodder, I have overlooked a golden opportunity to blog about something I might not have come up with on my own, and do it with panache.

Have no fear: I will still cover totally random and hopefully amusing subjects of my own inspiration, but they will be peppered by the occasional remunerated ideas of others. Similarly, now that I am unabashedly embracing the free market system, I feel inclined to offer you a deal of your own. Get in on the ground floor: PayPal me $100, and I will write about ANYTHING you request and within one week.

Show me the money. I double dog dare you.

Well, so much for my hunger…er…blog strike.

I thought I could wait you guys out and someone would deliver up a wildlife cam for our shared enjoyment…but no. Not quite.

Turns out you’re a far more hardened bunch than I realized. Guess I’d better bone up on my passive resistance techniques or try another approach. How does regret hit you?

Take a gander at the Dozer-based chaos that wasn’t caught on film. Exhibit A is this venture into a bag of vacuum cleaner-based garbage (almost entirely composed of black dirt and hair) in the pursuit of an empty Styrofoam container and what was probably an eggshell or papaya skin.

***groan***

At least the vacuum cleaner was still nearby…

He almost looks like he's laughing.

Note the excessive amount of hair contained in the rifled through garbage. I have an endless problem with the furry beast, especially since summer (and occasional 90-degree days) have come. I brush him…really, I do…but it doesn’t seem to help. I suppose with dog grooming courses I could make some real traction, but I already have far too many “careers” and irons in the fire to start down that road.

He has no shame.

Or maybe you would have preferred to see him tear through these snacks?

And this doesn’t even include the two croissants, loaf of bread, bag of uncooked Thai rice noodles, and god knows what else I cleaned up before I remembered to photograph it for you.

Nonetheless, the King is my boy, and food theft is the cost of doing business when you live with a Malamute. In fact, when he was a puppy I met a woman who told me she’d been reduced to keeping her trash can on top of her fridge.

Granted, not a proper crown, but I think he was pleased nonetheless.

In other news…there isn’t much other news.

I’m about to start writing a new book…but I think I’m going to put the venture up on Kickstart and see if someone (ahem) won’t help me make ends meet while I do so. I have – as I mentioned – about five side businesses, but I would honestly pare my life down to just writing fiction (and of course this blog, which by the way is now four years old. Happy Birthday, blog! Sorry I’m such a neglectful parent. Thank god you don’t need food or you’d be dead.) if I could.

However, until that day comes, I’ll just continue freelance writing, giving hypnotherapy sessions, running workshops, helping out a local caterer, renting out my guest room to complete and total strangers (this is the first thing that’s going away as soon as I can swing it. Even though most everyone has been lovely, I really rather hate having other people in my house and having to fake like I’m thrilled they’re here. I would be a TERRIBLE bed and breakfast purveyor.) and selling drugs.

Just kidding on that last one, Mom and Dad. Selling drugs and having complete and total strangers sleep in your house don’t mix, so I went with the less dangerous (???) option.

This makes me laugh.

The King and I on our walk this morning.

***LOOK AWAY IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH!!!***

This is what happens when you take off your glasses, start washing your face, and innocently take a step backwards.
I’m not quite sure whether I felt something under my heel or heard the crunch first, but either way, I was unprepared for the in-your-face projectile vomit opportunity that is/was this squashed gargantuan cockroach.

We apparently have 19 species of roaches here in Hawaii. Super. I’m familiar with two. That’s 17 surprises to look forward to…and who doesn’t love a surprise?

Excuse me while I puke…

Screw the Maui WordPress MeetUp. I don’t need to fend off the awkward advances of weird nerds or get my head filled with a bunch of Internet lingo crap I won’t remember anyway.  I need to spend hours trying to fix things I don’t understand like I need a hole in the head. In fact, if the weird tingling in my tooth is any indicator, I may have a hole  in my head already. I may as well try to attempt to fix that (likely) cavity myself before I try to fix the blog myself…

Which is why I just slapped down the money for a service called “Securi” and will let them do the honors. I may have to write Google to explain I’ve done this and get myself off the watch list, but for $89.00 a year (Beer? Securi fee help? Support? Pity? Anyone? Anyone?) it should ensure we are business as usual. Business as usual being…a post every couple weeks.

***cringe***

Dude try to fuck up a girl's blog. Not cool.

Sorry about that. You never know, perhaps shelling out further for the blog will encourage me to actually write it. It’s not that I don’t want to write it, mind you, it’s just that I have  been absurdly – even painfully – busy lately and then there’s the overriding complication that I have built all these rules about what I won’t or don’t want to write about like:

1) My personal life (when I don’t tell you the good stuff then I [thank God] don’t have to fill in the blanks when it all goes to hell.)

2) Details regarding people (friends, family, etc.) who have no voice/can’t defend themselves

3) Make fun of people (I can’t help it. I’m kind of a nice person. I’d feel awful if anyone ever discovered I’d mocked them.)

4) Lose clients or my job (I kinda hate my new job. But I don’t want to lose it just yet.)

5) Share too many secrets about the cult I recently joined

6) Use the word “cult” to describe the awesome group of new friends I’ve made!

7) Reveal that my awesome new friends require me to be naked and perform incredibly grueling physical labor for twelve to fourteen hours each day and provide me with only some watery broth and bread crusts as nourishment.

8} ……………………….help me…………………………..

So anywho, I’m feeling much better now that I (think/believe/hope/paid $90 I don’t really have) got the situation covered by pros. And from that perspective, let me warn you: DON’T BE HACKING MY BLOG, BITCHES!

I may not be able to circumvent your crafty asses myself, but I am willing to throw money at the problem to shut you down. Besides, promoting “personalized cancer drugs” ain’t cool when (obviously…seeing as you have to hack blogs to sell them) they aren’t real. Think of all the poor cancer patients who want personalized drugs or, worse yet, all the people with Munchhausens who will REALLY want them just because the word “cancer” is in the link and that’s their really hard to comprehend mental problem. Anyway, fake cancer drugs are crappy. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s a straight ticket to hell or a venal sin or at least worthy of a lengthy purgatory (God’s detention) to think about what you did wrong and why.

Word to your mother.

(I don’t actually know what that means. I just thought it would be funny.)

p.s.? ?

Did any of you see that movie “Young Adult”? Was that supposed to be funny? What WAS that? I found the Charlize Theron character utterly self-important and kind of painful to watch. How is that entertaining???