Humor

They’re ba-a-ack

Friday, October 11th, 2013

Sorry, hippies (and idiot landlord)
No more catch and release program.
This time it’s for serious.
Zap.
Trash.
Barf.

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Gross Story You’ll Wish You Hadn’t Read

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

You remember the movie “Something About Mary”?

Allegedly, I’m Mary.

One of my male friends – the one who made the original comparison and also gave me the nickname “Magical Ass.” You Know Who You Are. And thanks for nothing. And sorry, Dad. – looooooooooves to say “there’s something about Vanessa!” in an all-too-chirpy and enthusiastic tone. He’s also mentioned that he “didn’t want to be in a relationship for about a decade… until I met you” and no, we are not in a relationship or romantically involved but yes, I guess he speaks from “something about Vanessa” experience.

I heart you, You Know Who You Are.

So anywho, this is not about me and my superpower of making people crush out.

This is more in line with “things I tell people who are crushing out to help them get a grip.”

Like how I have three cases of sardines on Amazon subscription order and regularly eat them for breakfast right out of the can.

And not the good ones I love because I’m cheap and a broke ass writer (thanks for the beer. AHEM. Not talking to you, Dad. You’re the tops. But the rest of you? You Know Who You Are.), but I deal because I’m a tough cookie and stoic in the face of mediocrity like that.

And how I think daily showers are overrated.

And that I don’t remember the last time I cleaned said shower.

And how two years in Hawaii has hardened me to the degree that I will KILL A COCKROACH WITH MY BARE HANDS.

Don’t even dare me. Don’t even look at me sideways. It’s gonna happen before your eyes can go all askance, let alone before the words are out of your mouth.

I ‘m a straight ninja roach killer.

And that’s disgusting.

What about how I’ve been known to pull entire, still-in-their-wrapper (bastard!) sticks of butter out of my dog’s throat (he morphs into a boa constrictor when he knows you’re coming for something he just stole)…and put it back in the fridge… and use it.

What?

Like you wouldn’t.

Anywho, this tale will join the list of “Please stopping thinking you want to marry me. I’m seriously insane.” tall tales.

So the other night I ran my dishwasher and something I apparently didn’t properly pre-wash (have the dog lick shiny clean first) backed up in the whosit whatsit and the net result was that one side of my sink was filled with this dark gray (seriously. Bordering on black. It was wild. The Ganges wishes it could get its hands on the contents of my sink.) water.

I ran the garbage disposal and no love, so I did what any rational woman living alone and with no handyman skills whatsoever would do… and ignored it for three days.

Maybe four.

And then it started to smell weird and I accidentally dropped a spoon in it which caused the fetid liquid to splash onto my Batman shirt in a most uncool and rancid manner, and I realized it was time I Google the problem.

Lo and behold, it turns out a plunger will fix this mess.

But I am a rational woman living alone and with no handyman skills whatsoever and who only takes petite, polite, smell-free dumps, so what would I need a plunger for?

Then I briefly thought about borrowing one from a local establishment (I know. Right? WTF is wrong with me?) but it turns out the two places I looked don’t have plungers for the borrowing – which I now thank my lucky stars for. What was I going to do? Tuck a poop-stained plunger in my shirt? And then repeat that when I returned it??? – so I ended up buying one at Wal-Mart last night.

Turns out a plunger only costs five dollah.

Even on Maui.

Land of the jacked up prices.

Well, probably where you are it costs a buck fiffy, but still.

Cheap plunger in hand I came home, ordered the pets to stand back, and proceeded to splash this vile, dry heave-inducing liquid all over the place (and the dog LICKED IT OFF THE COUNTERS AND CUPBOARDS. No lie.) and on my person, but I was like a dog with a cupboard covered in hideous, monstrous, toxic water with that situation and eventually I triumphed.

My sink now runs free as nature intended.

And, no, you do not want to marry me.

Or live with me.

Or smell the laundry currently in my hamper.

Or maybe even come over for dinner, because it’s very likely that whatever I cook you spent some time inside my dog’s non-discriminating and quite possibly disease-ridden mouth first.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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Best. Day. Ever.

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

So as the title perhaps implied, today was bombastic: SUCH an insanely fun time.
I went to Lanai with three of my friends, and I talked another friend who lives there into letting us use his “man’s man” no roof, no doors ’72 Jeep to kamikaze all over said island.

Let’s just say his Jeep is distinctive, Lanai has a population of 2000, we defiled that vehicle something fierce and (perhaps not surprisingly) he got 10 texts of “four women have stolen your Jeep and are acting like lunatics!” in just two hours.

It was a lady version of Jackass, the highlight of which was no doubt the moment we were barreling down the what-we-thought-was-the-Garden-of-the-Gods-Road, but which decidedly was not and the TIDAL WAVE OF MUD came over the top and did its worst.

Which is to say it was AWESOME.
And hilarious.

But also sucked.

Seriously, some of my favorite clothes and a backpack are defiled by Lanai red clay dirt mud nonsense.

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^^^hopefully my friends don’t mind me posting this post-mud wave shot.

For the record, they sell a product here called a “red dirt shirt.”
This is a t-shirt dyed red by the same clay dirt crap currently all over my belongings.
Beyond reason, I am hoping there is some kind of old wives’ tale solution (anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) to remove this stuff.
And once I discover it, I will not only heal some of my favorite belongings, but market this miracle cure and wow you all with the following ad: I use my stolen old wives’ tale formula to turn a Hawaii red dirt shirt sparkling, dazzlingly white.

Mmmmm Hmmmmm…

How ya like me now?

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A (Wo)Man Needs a Maid

Saturday, July 27th, 2013

So a couple nights ago I had a dream that I had a roommate. She was upset with me because the house isn’t exactly – okay, at all – clean.
At first I felt bad, but then I started to think about it. “When was the last time you cleaned the litter box?” I asked her.
“Never,” she admitted.
“Never!?”

Then I woke up and realized that roommate is me.

Except sub “never” for “twice a month” (ish) and this probably explains why my cat has started peeing in the tub.

In my defense he has two boxes.

But still.

Anyway, take this level of sloth and imagine every other household task in combination with what you now know about the kitty litter and my place is making me loco.

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^^^me circa five minutes ago and looking a bit loco, as it were.

Here’s the thing.
I don’t like to clean.
And it doesn’t help that my dog has been shedding like a mofo.
And Maui is insanely dirty. In addition to being where young people go to retire it is the dirtiest place on earth.
You into black soles of feet?
Calcutta’s got nothing on this little slice of paradise.

Anyway, it’s 2013.
Where’s my flying robot slave?
I neeeeeeeeeeed it.

Mostly to teach the cat to pee in the toilet, but cleaning the tub would be a nice touch while s/he is at it.
And hanging up the giant pile of clean laundry on my bed.
And mopping.
And giving me a haircut.
And dusting this black dust covered hovel.
And making me a grilled cheese sandwich stat.

That is all.
Thank you for listening.

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Gah. Some People.

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

So the other night my friend implored me to go along as her wing woman.

Well, that’s not how she pitched it, but that was the bottom line.

Seems some guy had approached her at a Starbucks earlier that day because of her beautiful eyes and then wanted to buy her a drink later that night for business reasons. She initially told me she thought I’d find him interesting, but once I heard the sentence I typed right before this one and she said she wasn’t interested in him and was suinternet_fist_bumpre it was “just business,” my Spidey sense was more of the “are you sure this is a good idea?” variety.

In other words, I felt obliged to go and make sure she survived.

So after about 15 minutes one thing was clear:  there is nothing this guy hasn’t done… in his feverish imagination.

You couldn’t tell him anything – “I cooked professionally for a few years” – without him interrupting, insisting on a fist bump and screaming out, “No way! Me too!”

I should have  mentioned carrying triplets as a surrogate and having an affair with Bill Clinton, but sadly such a great idea struck late.

Anywho, dude put the “noxious” back in obnoxious.

He created all by his lonesome a new pet peeve for me: do not exclaim  “I like her already!” more than five times and over the span of nearly two hours. You can only say that once or twice before it loses its punch, son.

Meanwhile, if you care, among his seemingly endless list of achievements he (allegedly) has:

  • Written for the New York Times as a journalist for 15 years.
  • Hosted a show about the New York Yankees for 8 or 10 years (seems to be true).
  • Have filmed a documentary about Afghanistan for the History Channel (seems to be true).
  • Saved a local theater in New Jersey with the help of Stephen King.
  • Received scads of national  press for that ^^^ feat.
  • Wrote a play based on that Stephen King dealio (the plot of which shifted drastically in each retelling – a mere five minutes apart and during which he seemed to have no idea he’d already told the story until I interrupted and told him so).
  • If that’s not enough, said play was submitted to a playwright competition by friends behind his back which it – of course – won and then was performed at NYU and some other places. What are the odds!
  • Had someone in L.A. randomly find that play years later and now he has a series on USA Network in the work. He may also have a Lifetime movie based on his play “Stephen King’s Red Tape” but I kept spacing out and considering running for the door, so I’m not certain whether I heard that or imagined it.
  • Be working on an explosive documentary about Hawaii, which he also promised to give me all the details of so I could write about it (and I think I was offered a role in it at some point as well) because if HE wrote about this explosive government traitorous behavior stuff, that would bring a lot of attention him being a former NYT journalist and all. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
  • Has a book coming out soon about some nurse in the room when Kennedy died. I’m assuming it’s fiction. Clearly he’s a natural-born storyteller.
  • Been recruited for some kind of journalism career in Hawaii
  • Been recruited as a television writer in Hollywood, but turned it down to…
  • Produce a show for his dear friend Katie Couric. He was her right hand and maybe wrote the show and acted as her therapist and picked out her wardrobe and who even knows how pivotal he probably was. Why would he make something like that up?
  • Written (produced) film screenplays.
  • Started and runs a business making medical videos (this also seems to be true and the “business” he had with my friend, who is a nurse.)
  • Beaten the shit out of several Taliban – he was  a former professional wrestler or boxer or something… allegedly – with his bare hands to the degree that they staged a series of drive-by shootings to kill him in retaliation. What can he say? He’s Bruce Banner and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
  • Been arrested and done time upon landing back at JFK for said beating up of Taliban activities: 15 armed marshals were waiting and all cocked their guns as he came down the escalator with his movie-making posse. Imagine that.

Whew!

How unfair that life has bestowed upon one man such talent! And endless amounts of time to get all this done considering he was probably in his early 50′s.

Oops. Can’t forget my favorite…

  • He (allegedly) went to a reading by Mary Higgins Clark and waited in line for her to sign a book for him. She asked what he wanted her to write and he (allegedly) said, “Something good. PLEASE something good.”

She (allegedly) asked what he meant and he (allegedly) claimed to have said, “Well, you’re an okay writer and all, but your stuff could be soooooooo much better with a good editor.”

Apparently no one loves to be insulted by a delusional asshole quite like Mary Higgins Clark, so she naturally hired him to write  a series of sex scenes in a book with “Halo” in the title (he couldn’t quite remember the name) and edited a couple others for her to the tune of $137,000… and then told me I’m wasting my time and that’s what I should be doing.

I mentioned that would be lovely, but I don’t know Mary Higgins Clark, which is how I got the “go to a book reading and humiliate the person” advice.

That’s ninja level, bromoney.

I’m not sure I’m ready.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that he felt I was wasting my time with a lot of things.
I should be writing screenplays (that’s where the money is! Do it! Now! You’ll be rich!) and for TV (that’s also where the money is! It’s easy! Get out of print and journalism! It’s all about TV!) and maybe even plays. I definitely should have my completed books all over bestseller lists. I should quit any and all other writing I’m doing (that at least keeps me alive and my pets in kibble) because it’s all about my vanity of seeing my name/byline (I snorted out loud at that one. Puh-leaze) and how it’s not even my style (not true in the least, at least not with my restaurant reviews which I care terribly about and pour tremendous love, energy and effort into and are every square inch “me”) and I need to believe in myself and it’s that easy and if I write a screenplay I just need to believe and do what I love and the money will come and I need to BELIEVE and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as I BELIEVE and blah blah blah cocaine is awesome.

Did I mention he’s married and here on Maui to renew his vows after 10 years?

And it was going on 11 p.m. on a school night at this point and his wife was nowhere in sight?

Yep.

So why am I telling you about this boob?

Well, first off, because he thought I was 26 and when I balked, he assumed that meant I was 30 and kept saying I “didn’t look a day over 22.” (Note to self: park self in that restaurant when feeling low.)

Also, because he inspired me to get up this morning and commence rewriting a book I’d made a new year’s resolution to redo but hadn’t yet started.

How did he manage that?

Well, because one thing is clear: if a psychopath like that can make a documentary about Afghanistan and be a on-air broadcaster and somehow run even a marginally successful medical video production company and be married for ten years and somehow even get that person to want to renew their vows to his egomaniacal ass, then I’m crazy to think I don’t have a really great chance of either pulling this off with my own work/novels and finding a good relationship or at least lambasting an elderly but successful writer into letting me write sex scenes for her for outrageous sums of money.

Hell, it’s a no-brainer.

Sure, I kind of want my hour and a half back, but at least it has got some other wheels turning in my head.

I do not believe for one instant he has the millions of connections at Harper Collins (Esther! You gotta talk to Esther!) and whatever he claimed – next to nothing he asserted can be substantiated via the Interweb -  and I would never give any of my work to him out of fear he’d plagiarize it, but I am in some weird way provoked to try a little harder.

Clearly this guy has made *some* traction with his life and he’s balls-out crazy and possibly a pathological liar. I have no excuse not to at least get a documentary and Katie Couric under my belt.

So there you go.

Lemonade From Lemons 101.

p.s.

Despite bragging for an hour and a half about his wealth, mansion, Mercedes so rare there are no others on earth, he didn’t pay for my friend’s drink…let alone mine.

But you probably saw that coming.

Gah. Some people.

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