I’m insanely busy.

In fact, insane people would go to a level beyond insanity if they had to deal with what’s going on with me right now.

It’s all (mostly) good though.

I am weirdly hitting my stride and finding this strange sweet spot on this island that kind of stuns me a little bit.

I feel really blessed, honestly. There’s a belief here that “Maui” (as if she were a sentient being) embraces you or boots your ass out, or it could be Pele and the others. Regardless, somebody up there likes me and although the pay ain’t so impressive, I am getting (milk money) funded to write funny pieces a la this blog.
So yeah.

The money may suck (balls), but there is a notable audience involved and I get to do what I love (attempt to be funny) so I’m actually freakishly happy about it all.

Anywho, last night I was hanging out with some friends and someone went to a site that I write for to show someone else a piece I did. While there, a headline -

Woman Arrested After Falling Through Ceiling of Police Station -

to be exact, caught their eye.

At first I thought my editor was assigning satirical pieces to someone else and was kinda pissed, but when I realized this ACTUALLY HAPPENED I decided to attempt what a team of a dozen seasoned writers do daily and as a group and with the advantage of bouncing off others and for six figures for David Letterman by myself.

There are some changes here that aren’t mine and that wouldn’t have necessarily been my choice, but my editor was having a bad day – unrelated to me. I am a veritable ray of sunshine. Plus, I’m super grateful he lets me run this stuff at all…no less to such a broad audience – so I decided not to split hairs and here you go. As usual, linked before it’s over because I don’t honestly know if I have legal rights to reprint it.  (???)

Plus, then you can go and leave “fan” comments to counter the guy who called me a “whiny coward” three times over my in-jest Iao Valley hike piece.

Gah.

It’s called a sense of humor, dude.

Look into it.

Top 10 Excuses for Being in the Ceiling of a Police Station

**Editor’s note: This article is based on yesterday’s story about a woman who was arrested after falling through the ceiling of Kihei Police Station.**

(and Dozer! Fu came a couple months later.)

Hard to believe, but we’ve been here a year.

It’s Jurassic Park, baby!

In some ways it feels like way more than a year, and in other ways – especially lately, as my insanely busy life flashes before my eyes – it feels like less.

Regardless, I owe you a big update and I know this. It’s half-written…I just haven’t had a free hour for the other half. In the meantime, if you’re missing my writing, head to MauiNow.com. I’m not only doing two food pieces a week, but I’m now on the hook for three Arts and Entertainment stories as well. Fodder is the biggest challenge (you’ve heard me complain about that before!), and I’m still getting  my feet under me with all this.

Regardless, it’s a small island, so even though the pay is laughable, it’s a good opportunity to get to know Maui and a platform for Maui to get to know me. In other words, I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity (especially because my editor has been incredible in letting me be “me” in these stories, something that makes it fun even though it’s work), third-world country wages and all.

In other news, my work as a Maui hypnotherapist has been good…but that also comes with a big time drain. I love doing it, but I’m terrible at marketing it. I suppose I should be glad I have any clients at all!

Meanwhile, realizing that my head shot over there on the right is almost four years old (!?), I enlisted a friend for help with a new one…and with a more Hawaiian theme…and hair.

Enjoy one of the examples. (I’m listening, Putin.) I probably won’t use it for that purpose, but I’m sure you’ll see a new (curly-headed. I’ve given up…or Maui has forced my hand, either way) picture over there one of these days.

Until then, wherever you are and whatever you’re up to, I hope life is treating you well.

Monkeypod Kitchen in Wailea, Some Menu Changes

August 1st, 2012

Vanessa Wolf is a former head chef, previously working in Portland, Oregon. She offers her blunt assessments in the interests of honesty and improving Maui’s culinary scene.

By Vanessa Wolf

The Kale and Macadamia Nuts salad from Monkeypod Kitchen. Photo by Vanessa Wolf.

Peter Merriman’s Monkeypod Kitchen in Wailea offers a broad menu “dedicated to handcrafted food, drink, and merrymaking.”

Eager to partake in the culinary party, the first item on board was the Crispy Rock Shrimp and Calamari ($13.95). This is an enjoyable appetizer that, until recently, was exactly what one would expect.

However, they just changed the menu, and those who don’t tend to read the fine print might be surprised to find that what they expected to be a piece of seafood is actually a battered and deep fried chunk of pineapple. Points for creativity, but it was both unexpected and not particularly appetizing (and there was a lot of it). The buttermilk aioli, however, was…

Want to know? Follow this link.

I also updated my freelancing website: vanessa wolf

Bubba’s Gourmet Dog Shack – Beach Snacking

I am officially a published food critic, and I’m loving it.

OUTTAKE: this photo of my fry combo didn’t make the cut. In contrast, it was the highlight of the “meal.”

Granted, now whenever you eat with me, it takes five times as long because I have to photograph everything from seventeen angles (turns out I’m as obsessive about the photos as I am with all my artistic pursuits) and I insist on photographing and tasting your food too. Hell, if strangers would let me, I’d move in on theirs.

I also (now: my vacuum cleaner days are over) taste everything slowly and write down my extended thoughts. Word from the now wise to anyone thinking you’ll remember the details later: you won’t.

Other annoyances of dining with me in my new role?

• Unless I’ve already reviewed it, every dining experience – and that means food cart to pizza to fancy dinner – is work, meaning DO NOT TOUCH IT UNTIL I HAVE A PRETTY PICTURE! **I reserve the right to totally freak out if you break that rule.**
• Total overkill is the new black. I just went to a buffet and plated everything like a food stylist. The pictures – if I do say so myself – look totally amazing, so it was completely worth it, but I have to imagine this would grow tedious for a dining companion. Certainly the waitress was wondering what the hell I was up to. The one benefit of Maui is that people assume you’re a tourist with trigger finger: some people photograph every second of their vacation
• This ain’t no fooling around. Be prepared to be interrogated for words clearly and vividly describing the food in your mouth. “It tastes like a burger” is going to you nothing but grumbling from me. In other words, chew slowly and think hard: your answers better be good.

“Velvety?”

“Yes. Velvety.”

OUTTAKE II   Perhaps I’m wrong, but I think this is some pretty fine food photography for a rookie.

“So if I told you I just ate some velvety onions, would you have any idea what they actually tasted like?”

“Um….”

“Would you think they tasted like red velvet cake?”

<<<nervous coughing ensues from the witness and questioning ceases>>>

Yep. I probably won’t have any friends left by the time this is over.

To keep the budget down (there are two ways to look at this gig: I’m paid to eat a couple dishes at a restaurant and I write for free, or I’m spending money to eat and getting paid to write about it. Not ideal, but still better than not getting paid at all.) Anyway, like I was saying, to keep cost under control, I’ve also signed myself up to test recipes and give feedback/guidance. Until requests start coming in from readers – I’ve put out a plea for them to ask for recipes from local restaurants which the chefs will hopefully be willing to give up – I’m going to start with cookbooks written by local (or at least those with a restaurant on the island) chefs and do my worst (which actually, of course, means very best: see the bit above about obsessive tendencies) with them at home.

***sudden thought: do I need to get permission to post a recipe published in a cookbook? I would think so, right? They’re all over the blogs…but this is actually a media publication, so now I don’t know. Is it enough to cite the source (the cookbook details) or do I have to ask first? If anyone knows, please chime in.***

OUTTAKE III This is an Ocean Breeze: ocean vodka, st. germain, lime, and simple syrup. It also had egg whites in it, but for some reason that isn’t listed. (???) I didn’t end up talking about this in the review, so here ya go.

In preparation, I’ve bought some cool shaped white china at Ross and I’m even considering an EGO light, although cost is an obstacle (it’s $107 on Amazon). Practical application could pose an issue, as well: likely bringing a lamp into a restaurant and asking to sit by a plug so I can set it up ***might*** give me away. For now, while I can, (and trust me…considering the existence of this blog and the 2.2 billion photos of me on it…”while I can” means maybe a couple months) I am doing my reviewing incognito. I suppose I could go all Ruth Reichl and wear disguises (finally! A reason for my candy apple red wig to hit the town!), but we’ll see how it all plays out organically first.

Anyway, that’s all that’s fit to report from me. Depending on how long it takes me to get through some actual money generating work this week, I will be starting a new book (novel) on or as close as I can get to August 1st. Again, keeping a roof over my head has to take precedence (stupid roof), but once that’s done, I’m raring to go.