Phoning it in

Ways I Waste Time

Sunday, October 20th, 2013

1. Reading Yelp reviews of “Zombie Burger and Bar Lab” in Des Moines, Iowa.
2. Trying to come up with a second reason to go to Des Moines, Iowa.
3. Looking for split ends
4. Opening the fridge door over and over and OVER hoping something new has manifested in there.
5. Twerking

6. Feeling angry that someone got to the “Zombie Burger” name before me. “Zombie Bar,” however – my hip happenin’ joint where I sell nothing but cocktails made with NyQuil – might still be a go.
7. Baby panda videos
8. Relocating my mess from one part of the house to another.
9. Natural peanut butter
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

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Happy Maui-versary to me!

Saturday, September 15th, 2012

(and Dozer! Fu came a couple months later.)

Hard to believe, but we’ve been here a year.

It’s Jurassic Park, baby!

In some ways it feels like way more than a year, and in other ways – especially lately, as my insanely busy life flashes before my eyes – it feels like less.

Regardless, I owe you a big update and I know this. It’s half-written…I just haven’t had a free hour for the other half. In the meantime, if you’re missing my writing, head to I’m not only doing two food pieces a week, but I’m now on the hook for three Arts and Entertainment stories as well. Fodder is the biggest challenge (you’ve heard me complain about that before!), and I’m still gettingĀ  my feet under me with all this.

Regardless, it’s a small island, so even though the pay is laughable, it’s a good opportunity to get to know Maui and a platform for Maui to get to know me. In other words, I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity (especially because my editor has been incredible in letting me be “me” in these stories, something that makes it fun even though it’s work), third-world country wages and all.

In other news, my work as a Maui hypnotherapist has been good…but that also comes with a big time drain. I love doing it, but I’m terrible at marketing it. I suppose I should be glad I have any clients at all!

Meanwhile, realizing that my head shot over there on the right is almost four years old (!?), I enlisted a friend for help with a new one…and with a more Hawaiian theme…and hair.

Enjoy one of the examples. (I’m listening, Putin.) I probably won’t use it for that purpose, but I’m sure you’ll see a new (curly-headed. I’ve given up…or Maui has forced my hand, either way) picture over there one of these days.

Until then, wherever you are and whatever you’re up to, I hope life is treating you well.

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Proof of Life

Friday, March 16th, 2012

I am still totally swamped but equally hanging in.

Here I am in my super discount ($33 and free shipping once I added on these tacky sunglasses that I ultimately returned…so $3.85 shipping) REI gay pride hammock that I absolutely LOVE.
Hammocks rule.


I promise to tell you about my Braco experience soon. I have had nothing but ill health – my shoulder is currently out of joint or something like that: something that hurts. And I’ve had a cough since February 22nd. – but the jury is still out as to whether he is specifically to blame.

I suppose it’s fair to say I was not spontaneously healed…but I imagine that’s also stating the obvious.

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What the King wants…

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

Is clearly not this $75 dog cot bed the pet psychic claimed he demanded.


Feast your eyes on what it takes for me to get The King into his fancy-ass bed:

Yep. I have to be on it too.


This makes me laugh.

I just wasted $75.

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Resolution #2

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

I am sitting with my brother and his girlfriend, watching a very (extremely) weird movie in which the serial killer is a tire.

But that is neither here nor there.

What is here and now is that it’s another day and thus you are owed another resolution. Yesterday we discussed writing, so today let’s tackle what I shall call


* Heal my bladder condition (interstitial cystitis for anyone out there with any tips. It’s been giving me the beatdown this week.)

* Be grateful every day

* Eat a 50-75% raw diet

* Work out daily

* Meditate three times a week

I had what I was pretty sure was a fabulous idea for a blog post this morning, but I no longer remember it whatsoever. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this except to say that obviously my brain ain’t so sharp, but also as a reassurance that perhaps one day I will come up with a good idea and actually remember AND execute it.

So that’s something we can all look forward to.

Until then, brace yourself for tomorrow’s installment of Vanessa’s New Years Resolutions 2012: the year a jaguar god returns or it all comes to a crashing halt or both or neither.

quit smoking Maui

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