I sometimes get this idea to move to Kauai and bring Dozer and open some kind of business called “Island Dog” that features his smiling face with a big lei around his neck.

Island dogs spotted in the distance

I have no idea what this fantasy business does, I simply have an unshakeable knowing that Dozer’s happy and newly Hawaiian mug would make for fine advertising.

Anyway, I was at the beach yesterday and these two dogs were running around, tied together with a surf board tether.

Now, the inherent arrogance of the dog chain gang is the assumption that at least one of them is not a raving idiot…and that the ‘good’ one is the dominant dog.

In my case, back when I had two dogs, this would have been a terrible plan.

Pixie, my German Shepherd, was physically much smaller, but she was also about three hundred times more clever. And she lived to run off. My nickname for her was “The Bolter” as there was nothing that dog loved better than to catch the scent of a rabbit two miles in the distance and take off after it…with Dozer in tow.

Headed my way.

The amazing thing was if you called Dozer, he would often come back.

Tether them together?

Not so much.

So anyway, back to my point, these two dogs – a Jack Russell Terrier and ???. I don’t know. Maybe a white Jack Russell? Or a Jack Russell mixed with something white? – were tied together and roaming the beach. I can only assume from both locale (Donkey Beach – rough waves for anything but surfing) and circumstance (the surfboard tether holding them together) that their owner was a surfer who’d left them to do as they pleased as he rode the waves.

I saw them walking around and kind of waited for the moment when one would try to go one way and the other would have none of it and there’d be a battle of wills…but that didn’t happen. Rather, in tandem, they sensed the vibe of a sucker and came and hung with me. And they were super mellow and kick-back, which I suppose is befitting a Kauai-based surfer dog.

Unsure about sloppy kisses from a strange island dog. The SPF 500 I favor gives me the appearance of an escaped member of a Kabuki theater troupe.

I didn’t have any food, but they didn’t seem to mind. The white one (the male) content to hang out on my towel, and the bi-color female not far off. And not to imply there’s some magic power I have over dogs, when I got up to leave, they simply rearranged themselves a few feet from where I’d been, and continued hanging out on the sand. So there’s really no point here. Just I wanted to share my humorous observation about the arrogance of tying two dogs together and letting them roam. And publish these cute doggie pictures. And I suppose that has led to the realization that I could dress Dozer up like an island dog, but he’d never really be one.

Even five minutes alone on a beach could result in a wide variety of disasters:

General barking and growling at small children – He’s afraid of toddlers…and most pre-schoolers…and anyone with a really high-pitched or shrieky voice gets him amped out of his mind.

Food snatching – I tell people that living with Dozer is like living with a black bear. You have to hang all your food from the trees or store it in bear-proof containers. He’d pretty much go through a car windshield if he thought there was a slice of pizza in it for him.

With my new best friends.

Separation anxiety – If he’s left alone in a strange place, he gets anxious and starts howling and digging at the door.

General mayhem – That could run the gamut from digging a large hole right next to someone’s blanket to heading off into the hills in search of adventure to more of the food snatching previously mentioned.

In other words, even if he does one day become an island dog in name, I will never tie a surf board tether to him and let him roam freely. So you can rest easy in that regard.

but whoever wrote the lines for the dog is friggin’ genius.

“I have just met you, and I LOVE YOU.”

Disney has disabled embedding, so you have to watch the video here:

***Pause while you watch clip***

Assuming you went and did that and now you’re back, I just have to say:

Holy crap. That is my dog.

My dog possibly wrote “Up.”

(Where the hell are the commissions???)

Seriously though, that’s Dozer: Nose, enthusiasm, love at first sight.

If nothing else, the idiot (hanging out of the side of the mouth) tongue is a dead giveaway.

God bless him.

I am madly in love with my dog.

All the while honoring his (extensive) limitations…every day of my life I adore him more than the day before.
It’s kind of sick, really.

But he’s so friggin’ funny and big-hearted and, well, Doug. I’m kind of feeling like a kindred spirit with whatever wonderful person envisioned, wrote, and created “Doug.”

Three cheers for dogs!!!

p.s.

Slightly frantically packing and trying to do 2.2 billion things prior to a two-week trip, but more tomorrow. Swear.

p.p.s.

Unless I can (quickly) figure out the upload video stuff on Wordpress, I’ll be setting up a YouTube account imminently to share Dozer’s efforts – sans his good and smart master – to communicate with a member of the feline species.

Preview: It’s loud and it’s futile.

Squirrel!

Me and Dozer over the weekend

It’s official.

My dog, Dozer, is a celebrity, a sensation, and a canine rock star. I doubt Bono would’ve caused a bigger fuss than the Big Doh elicited today. Quite frankly, speaking as a regular non-famous and non-famous looking human being, I’ve never seen anything like this. Ever.

A million years ago I knew Weird Al Yankovic and we once went to get some ice cream before one of his shows. A few people came up and asked for his autograph, but (and no offense, Al), it was nothing like the response to my dog.

You walk him down busy city streets and people stop in their tracks, drop to their knees, and start kissing him. Actually, I find this extremely brave considering the number one rule of strange dogs (particularly huge strange dogs) is don’t invade their space unless you know it’s safe. Luckily for the crazed dog lovers stroking him, embracing him, and even sticking their lips millimeters from his mouth on every block, it’s safe.

Last night, a group of Japanese tourists ran out into traffic, their eyes shining as they frantically dug out their cameras. This is a testament to his northern beauty, a furry siren song, as these folks were risking death or at a least a head-on collision with a bus in order to meet Dozer and have their pictures taken with him. I’m starting to think if this writing career idea doesn’t pan out, maybe I’ll just set up on the corners of popular tourist attractions like Times Square, Las Vegas Boulevard, or the Embarcadero and charge $1.00 per hug? $3.00 for photos.

Either that or take him to Hollywood and get this pretty boy an agent. I foresee a bright future selling Eukanuba or Kibbles and Bits and Bits (with more Bits!).

It worked for Benji, and he wasn’t even all that cute.

The look on his face in this picture makes me laugh

Sleeping in the car

So after three weeks at home, it was time to get back out there and do some traveling. However, poor Dozer (my soft hearted Alaskan Malamute) suffers from residual mental duress caused by losing his sister and then me in a week’s time back in July. Whenever he’s given a bone or a toy since Pixie passed, he roams around with it crying and crying and crying. It distresses the hell out of me. So effectively both of us suffer.

Anyway, when an opportunity to go on a little journey arose, it didn’t seem right to leave Doh behind. So I decided to drive and take him with me. On paper (or screen), this might actually sound like a good idea.

However, truth be told, Dozer has led a pretty sheltered life, and it doesn’t take much to move his cheese. In fact, throw a coat over the back of a chair, and he’s liable to be spooked for half the day.

Moreover, and in light of some previous trips that ended with unexpected and unfortunate violent explosions out of both ends, I decided to see what gems the internet had to offer. I found a couple sites offering up road trip tips, and below you can find the condensed highlights:

A Month Before

Ummmm? What? A MONTH before? Oops.

• Create the expectation. Even if your animal is accustomed to riding in a car to the vet or groomer, take her on some short trips to other destinations. Walk her around some new places, and let her sniff and explore at her leisure. New smells and new places are highlights in a critter’s life — almost as good as treats! These little warm-up road trips can create the expectation in your pet’s mind that a car trip will be fun — not just a ride with a rabies shot at the end.



Ask and ye shall receive (another picture of the beautiful boy)

Hopefully he’s picked up some of my optimistic attitude and presumed a car trip would be fun, because there was no expectation setting beforehand. Oops #2

• Get a first aid kit for your dog. It comes in very handy if you need to remove any ticks. The kits are usually available at a pet store, a veterinary office or on the Internet.

Oops #3. Hopefully we don’t need one these cause we don’t have one!

• If you do not already have a dog harness for riding the car, consider purchasing one for your dog’s safety. They are usually sold at pet stores or on the Internet.

Ditto. Oops #4.

Several Days Before (hopefully morning of’ is good enough)

• Make sure you have enough dog food for the duration of the trip. CHECK

• If your dog is on any medication, remember to bring it along. CHECK

Road Trip Day

• Remember to pack all of your dog’s necessities: food, water, dog dishes, leash, snacks and goodies, several favorite toys, brush, towels for dirty paws, plastic bags for cleaning up after your dog, doggie first aid kit, possibly dog booties if you are venturing to an especially cold or hot region, and bring any medicine your dog might be taking. CHECK

• Before you head out, put on that doggie seat belt harness. Hard to do when you don’t own one. Oops #5.

• Bring a current color photograph of your pet. If something happens you can easily show other people what your errant buddy looks like. If need be, you can easily make copies of the photo to assist in the search process. Hmmmm… Under the law of attraction this seems like a bad idea. I could get my hands on a picture if I had to. But I won’t have to.

• Some hotels are so pet-friendly that they have treats waiting when you check in. We recommend that you not give these treats to your critters, having found from experience that it is much better for them to eat as consistent a diet as possible when they are on the road.

And in conclusion, oops #6. I’ve let him eat everything offered by friendly humans. Hopefully this does result in an explosive outcome that I have to clean!

Although I managed to mess up most of the tips, we made it here in one piece, and without much ado. By and large, I listened to motivational Tony Robbins CDs loaned to me by a friend, and Dozer slept with his face smashed up against the back window.

Meanwhile, we’re learning some new things about each other. Like that I can’t sleep through the sound of a dog whining. And that there is pretty much nothing more gross than walking around carrying a steaming bag of poop. And that he has some separation anxiety if left alone in strange places, that manifests as loud crying and howling and a concerted effort to beat down the door until I return. In hindsight, I wish I had some doggie downers or a tranquilizer gun, but I’ll make a note of that tip for next time.

Casper the Friendly Ghost

On the other hand, the more things change the more they stay the same: Doh remains consistent in his easily spooked and high strung ways. Walking down the street we passed a Washington Mutual branch with a large stuffed toy horse visible through the window (presumably some kind of a Christmas decoration and nice to see the government bailout funds are going to such good  use) and he went into complete and total shock and alarm. “It’s stuffed,” I told him. “It’s not real,” I continued, not at all concerned that talking aloud to a dog might be perceived as sad or even crazy by those passing by. Alas, it was for naught and he remained riveted on the vision of this giant white faux fur creature attempting to determine whether it was friend or foe and sizing up how to get inside the branch to fight it.

***sigh*** Reasoning with Dozer is like talking to a dog.

Obama has been quoted as saying that the new puppy promised to his young girls will be a “mutt like me.” Now I realize that there’s probably a team of experts now combing every humane society, pound, and rescue group in the country in search of the perfect ‘mutt like me’, but as a seasoned dog owner, I thought I’d weigh in with some insight that may prove valuable in their search.

Unfortunately, right out of gate we hit a serious roadblock. It seems 10-year-old Malia has allergies, so they’ll probably be looking to one of the ‘low dander’ or hairless breeds. That immediately rules out the Alaskan Malamute. If you enjoy eating, breathing, and pooping dog hair and removing it from your clothes every 2.2 seconds, then a Mal is your breed! Otherwise? Not so much.

Anyway, with respect to this allergy issue, what fits the bill is pretty damn exotic – American Hairless Terrier, Chinese Crested, Peruvian Inca Orchid (yes, that’s a dog), and the  Xoloitzcuintli (Mexican Hairless). Moreover, seeing as they want it to come from a pound, the odds that they’re going to end up with a ‘world’s ugliest dog’ contestant have just shot through the roof.

So at this point, I’d like to pause and make a suggestion that may be a little controversial: I think we need to get some top notch scientists on the case. Generally speaking, I am not one for gene splicing, but the man is about to be President of the United States. We can’t have an animal like this running around the White House. Imagine a whole generation of children growing up with this ugly mug staring at them from the front page and splashed across CNN!? We don’t have enough child psychologists to go around!

That’s why I think some top notch scientific minds need to get their @sses into a lab pronto. We’ve got enough heartburn medications already. Put down the beaker, and let’s get some smart folks focused on developing a hypoallergenic Golden Retriever.

Better yet, in keeping with the spirit of our President-elect, let’s mix up a diverse cultural brew. Maybe a little something from Asia? Chows can be snippy, and Akitas are a little scary sometimes too. Maybe part Shih Tzu or Japanese Spitz? They’re cute and cuddly.

Then maybe a little something out of Africa? An Afghan was good enough for Barbie, and I think that’s an argument that would work with Michelle. Again, the Basenjis and Rhodesian Ridgebacks wouldn’t be my first choice for young kids, but the lab can probably whip up a personality fix or partial lobotomy for that?

Europe? Don’t mind if I do! I’m kind of digging the idea of a Bernese Mountain Dog or a Saint Bernard. Set him up with a little wooden barrel and maybe fill it with Tang for the kids?

Now let’s stir in a little American ingeniuty and sprinkle in an addition from the ‘painfully cute yet descriptive name’ category. That’s right, the high-priced American mutt: Perhaps some Labradoodle or Puggle? Maybe a little Cockinese, Malchi, or a Beabull? Hell, let’s just go crazy and add some Bichpoo.

This would be a dog America could get behind. The Satyr or Centaur for the 21st century. In fact, that gives me an even better idea: Why not throw a little cat in there just to keep it interesting? No one needs to know.

How long does it take to gestate a dog anyway? 54-72 days (according to answerbag.com)???

PERFECT.