So I saw that the ‘best job in the world (caretaker of an Australian island for six months for the paltry pay of $150,000 AUS) winner was announced.

And it wasn’t me.

See, what did I tell you? Zany.

My submission video featured me sitting on my back porch, trying to get through a speech that barely fit into 60 seconds (I kind of had to speed talk it).

Plus, something (apparently) went wrong when I uploaded it, and their site was so overloaded that by the time I got my ‘submission rejected’ e-mail…the contest was closed.

But when God closes a window, he opens a door.

Something like that.

Right?

Right????

Meanwhile, there is no footage of me astride an ostrich. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen an ostrich. Maybe at the zoo? Do they have ostriches at the zoo or are they not exotic enough?
Anyway and regardless:

1. Ostriches are clearly forgettable

2. Even if they are busy being overlooked at the zoo, I suspect the zookeepers aren’t too keen on visitors riding the wildlife.

3. Same goes for the giraffe, of which there are no photos of me kissing. There is one of me in the foreground and a giraffe in the background and the barrier imposed by fun-busters at the San Diego Zoo between us.

4. There once was a photo of me touching a real, live elephant in Thailand, but it was storming at the time and something went weird with the flash, and I look like a specter or a bad PhotoShop job.

5. If bestiality is what it takes to win the Best Job in the World, then I don’t want it.

(***sniff***)

So onto Plan B: The Amazing Race

I don’t know if they have this in syndication or a unique version in other countries, but The Amazing Race is a show that’s been on for a long @ss time. I’m not sure how long. Many years. It also holds the distinction of being the only reality show I would consider trying to get on (minus, of course, Bret Michael’s Mechanical Bull of Love Part IV or anything where I might end up the lucky mother of Flavor Flav’s fifteenth child.)

As for The Amazing Race, the premise is that you and a partner race around the world and perform varying tasks typically relevant to the country and culture in which you find yourself. It’s like an insane scavenger hunt with the added bonus that the winner (of something like 12 teams) wins a million dollars.

Yep.

That’s right.

One million dollars. (***insert Dr. Evil voice and crooked pinky***)

This could be us! Think about it.

Anyway, it seems to me that a little bit of a ‘hook’ is required to get onto the show. Right now, there’s a pair of friends who are former Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, a Chinese couple/brother and sister (despite my enthusiasm for being on the show, I don’t really watch it very regularly. Partly because I don’t know when it’s on. Regardless, I’ve never seen part of a couple episodes this season and didn’t quite grasp whether those two are related or involved…I suspect related. Anyway, they speak Chinese and a huge chunk of the show is taking place in China which is a MAJOR boon for them. Last episode I saw, they were in first place of three. As in the final three. The million is so close they can smell it.)

So back to the point, if anyone out there is up for trying to win a million dollars, I am looking for a partner. I figure ‘we don’t actually know each other; we met on my blog” might make good TV? Or if you’re a personal friend that has been lurking or otherwise failed to reveal your willingness to give up a month of your life racing around the globe with me, speak up! Provided we can drum up an exciting ‘made for TV’ story (former lesbian lovers turned straight? Brother and sister separated at birth and only recently reunited? Two formerly blind strangers who met while receiving retina transplants?) that’s 50% of the battle.

Otherwise, so that any of you fussy couch potatoes don’t go getting your hopes up, I anticipate you will provide the following skill set:

• Strength and intellect
• Brains and brawn
• Devastating good looks
• A calm disposition, particularly when dealing with a less-than-calm and possibly shrill and maybe even freaking out on you teammate
• Fluency in three to four languages that aren’t English (I’ve got us covered in English)
• Willingness to eat bugs, molds, slimes, and whatever other horribleness they serve up
• Enthusiasm in dealing with all the challenges involving extreme heights
• Ability to carry me – emotionally and physically – throughout said race
• Readiness to hold my hair back if I have to puke
• Eagerness to give a sizable portion of your luggage capacity to your teammate (What can I say? I like my shoes to match my outfit, particularly when appearing on national TV.)
• Provide unqualified, unflagging positive feedback and unlimited unconditional love
• Ability to deliver consistent and relentless Tony Robbins-esque pep talks and cheerleading sessions at the drop of a hat.

All joking aside, I think I’d be damn good at this. My own parent has suggested I was ‘born to win The Amazing Race.’ Seriously.

That stated, if you’d like to cash in on an easy half-mil, drop me an e-mail.

Midgets need not apply.

(Sorry. That was uncalled for. If you’re a super strong little person with a cast iron stomach, please apply. In fact, we’d probably have a better shot of getting on.)

What I meant to say was:

Lithuanians need not apply.

I know you’re a jerk. You know you’re a jerk. Let’s call it a day.