Let’s get down to brass tacks: Love is for suckers.

So the other day I found this article about signs you might be headed for a breakup, and I decided to pass it on for your edification…along with a few embellishments of my own, of course.

In honor of Valentine’s day, I figured it was the least I can do.

Some people might find this romantic, but a sight like this would seriously freak me out.

Love is elusive, but wanting to kill someone with your bare hands is, thankfully, less so.

1. You stop relationship-building behaviors. Maybe you stop kissing each other goodbye or stop texting each other during the day. Instead of adding things to the relationship, you start to resent each other like two five-year-olds who stop sharing their crayons.

2. You have really bad thoughts about crayons. You not only don’t want to share your crayons, you would like to stick a fistful of crayons into every orifice in your significant other’s body. And set them on fire. And you wonder whether their blood would be more torch red or wild strawberry?

3. You don’t understand each other anymore. The fighting escalates to a place where you no longer feel like you’re understood by your partner. Physical intimacy stops, communication stops, and you are living like roommates.

4. There is a roommate-like person in your house that you’re trying to pawn off on someone else. Look, let me level with you here, the reason your old friend from college won’t have an affair with your significant other is because you already told her way too much about him. Consider setting up a match.com or eHarmony account with their (Photoshopped) photo and some slightly-improved personal details.  Find someone new to deal with their bullshit.

I wonder what kind of test he's planning to cheat on?

5. You start punishing each other. When you get to the point of no longer understanding each other, what happens is that you end up just kind of coexisting in the new dynamic. Resentment builds and you get in your head too much. You are no longer about feelings, and you start punishing each other. “Well, he hasn’t done this for me, so I’m not going to do this for him” are the kind of thoughts that take root.

6. You start trying to kill each other. Seriously, the head-shaped dent in your frying pan is the first clue. So are your attempts to import poisonous cobras from India. And when you find yourself absent-mindedly researching which states’ penal codes go easiest on ‘crimes of passion’, well, who do you think you’re kidding anymore?

7. You fight less. When you get to the breakup point, you actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your mind and heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and you don’t care as much anymore.

8. You don’t give a rat’s ass. When you’re past the breakup point, you actually don’t care whether your partner lives or dies. You forget their name and any reason you ever liked them because they’re dead to you now, and nothing ain’t ever gonna bring ‘em back.

9. You’ve taken the time to think it through. If you don’t think the relationship is going to work, or you know you’ve already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a few weeks. When you’re in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.

10. You’ve taken the time to get a new identity. So you’ve faked your own death and are living in another state under an assumed name and stolen social security number? Let’s face it, things are probably over.

Thanks for playing.

Better luck next time.