This is the DEAL OF A LIFETIME.

Hurry! Time is running out to add these adorable, loving, greeting card-ready, I Can Haz Cheezeburger-cover model, YouTube-friendly, urinating twosome to your pet menagerie!

Check out the specs:

Chester and Jake, a tuxedo cat, are available for adoption!

Awwwww....

Chester and Jake are a very bonded cat/dog pair that we would not like to separate. Jake is a 10 yr old mix. Chester is a 10 year old DSH cat. The two lost their home when their owners were forclosed upon. They are a good pair, the only issue is working on the housebreaking, as Jake sometimes lifts his leg and then Chester feels the need to pee on top of it.”

Wrrrrtttttt!?!?!?

Back that up…

What was that last part again?

Jake sometimes lifts his leg and then Chester feels the need to pee on top of it.

So let me get this straight…

The 100-pound half of the couple will douse everything I own with a firehose of urine and the small black one will add a veneer of ammonia to the already intolerable situation?

SWEET!

I do have to say, a dear friend – a wonderful person and a foster parent to animals – posted this pair on Facebook with the caption “LOVE THEM!!!!!” which was enough to get me to follow the link to Petfinders and discover the horrible, horrible truth.

(Home foreclosure, my ass. More like dropped off in a urine-soaked crate filled with urine-soaked blankets in the middle of the urine-soaked night.)

If only the writer of this ad would’ve contacted me about appropriate spin.

I probably would have suggested something more like this:

Chester and Jake, a tuxedo cat, are available for adoption!

Awwwwww!!!!

Chester and Jake are a very bonded cat/dog pair that we would not like to separate. They are both ten, so the dog is not going to last much longer, which might be good news for any of you that are willing to commit…but only for so long.

The two lost their home when their owners realized that there is only so much urine one human being can take. They are a good pair, the only issue is copious, copious amounts of tinkle all over whatever you are unfortunate enough to care about.

p.s.

If you don’t care about the whole uncontrollable peeing thing, PLEASE adopt this heart-meltingly sweet pair (and laugh all the way to the bank on the greeting card royalties).

p.p.s.

Damn.

That really is stupid cute, isn’t it?

I’m almost willing to overlook the whole piss situation.

Almost.

p.p.p.s.

You know what is soooo weird?
The night before I saw this post (and I SWEAR I am not making this up), I had a dream that I adopted (stole…long story) a pittbull mix. In the dream mine was male. Which is no-can-do with Dozer. But I brought him home anyway,  and after a fight with my real-life dog, some friends came over, and my new stolen pittbull mix lifted its leg and unloaded about three gallons of urine all over my bookshelf. And someone brought a bucket over mid-piddle and it didn’t even come close to catching the tidal wave.

Urine was rushing at us like a tsunami.

p.p.p.p.s.

I think that dream is a sign.

Or not.

Awwwwww!!!!!

p.p.p.p.p.s.

Unrelated to all this tinkle talk, I just had the best Halloween costume idea EVER.

If only I could figure out how to get a big black star over Dozer’s right eye a la Paul Stanley of Kiss.

That would be  f*cking Starchild hilarious!!!

Seriously, any thoughts on how I pull that off (black eye shadow? Black food coloring?) on a dog???  Any (reasonable) ideas are  most welcome!!!