Posts Tagged ‘Dogs’

What’s a little poison between friends?

Friday, January 29th, 2010

To quote whatever the heck news source published the following tidbit that I accidentally stumbled upon and thought worthy of your attention:

“Black lab Bronson’s owner, Deborah Allen, trundled home from the nearby fields with a poisonous reptile hanging from his face.

Poor Puppy. :(

Bronson is often bringing objects he finds in the fields back to his owners’ farmhouse at Yarragon, near Melbourne, Australia, but the day he brought home the deadly copperhead snake topped them all for Deborah and her husband Peter.

The snake’s tail was in Bronson’s mouth, its body was wrapped around his jaw and the reptile’s head was dangling down between the dog’s feet.

Deborah and Peter were terrified that the snake might raise its fangs and give Bronson a deadly bite, but it appeared to have come off the worst in the battle between canine and reptile and was in a dazed state.

‘The first thing we did was grab a camera and take a picture, because this had to be believed,’ said Deborah. ‘The look on Bronson’s face left us in no doubt he was feeling very sad about having his mouth clamped shut by the snake’s body.

‘You could see by his expression that he just wanted the picture session to be over with as soon as possible.’”

Yes. He was hoping you’d get past the pictures and get on to the snake removal.

However, when Bronson didn’t realize is that the first thing you do when a snake bites you or a pet is take a photo of it. That’s snake bite 101. Snake bite = photo time.

Better yet, bust out your video camera and take your best shot at “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

Imagine the hilarious voice-over they’d give this venomous situation! A veritable laugh riot! Hilarious stuff!

So anyway…

The couple were eventually able to remove the snake by lowering a grain bag to the ground and then pulling it up over the reptile, while at the same time pulling its body from Bronson’s mouth.  ’As soon as I said “give” Bronson dropped the snake right into the bag and we sealed up the ends.

They then rushed Bronson to a local vet, where a blood test confirmed he had received a bite from the snake. He was put on a drip and after four days was allowed to return home in the best of health.

Now first off, being no stranger to vet overnight visits, let me tell you a mere ‘four days on a drip’ is going to run about $4000. Seriously. And if they start doing EKGs and whatever the hell else they deem necessary? Well, it’s worse than a mechanic who realizes you have no idea how a car works.

Secondly, the photo thing really does kind of blow my mind. Especially now that I know that the dog had already been bitten. On the other hand, without the photo there probably wouldn’t be much of a news story…so I guess I should bear that in mind the next time Dozer eats a huge Costco package of dried mangos (last night) or a 14 oz. container of chocolate cover-espresso beans or a box of raisins or whatever other toxic substance comes his way next.

A picture tells a thousand words, so (obviously) photos make it an awesome story!

And thus, here one is, repeated in my blog for your reading enjoyment. Maybe not so much because it’s fascinating or news-worthy or life-affirming, but because it makes me feel better about my own idiot dog. Sure he’s been stung – in the mouth – snapping at yellow jackets, but he’s never brought home a poisonous snake.

Yet.

Good boy!

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Weighing the vices

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

It’s hard to say which of the seven deadly sins – envy, wrath, sloth, pride, greed, gluttony and lust – is the worst. It may depend on context.

Stains like this on the counter are always a tip off that a theft of some sort has occurred during my absence.

Stains like this on the counter are always a tip off that a theft of some sort has occurred during my absence.

And in this context, the answer is without question gluttony.

Last night I got home from a friend’s and Dozer was acting funny – whining, howling, and running around like a lunatic. In fact, to the degree that a neighbor had called and left a concerned message. I gave him a cookie, but rather than eat it, he whined and ran to the top of the stairs. I tried to go all Lassie with him, “What is it, boy? Timmy’s in the well? Show me!” and followed him down where he proceeded to run around the couch approximately 275 times at warp speed with a Milk Bone in his mouth.

Lassie he is not.

But he was trying to tell me something.

Busted with the berries. Frank (in the foreground) has since been decapitated and dismembered.

Busted with the package of berries. Frank (in the foreground) has since been decapitated and dismembered.

Just not articulately enough that my feeble human brain could comprehend it.

Another hour later I decoded the message: He’d eaten a 14 ounce package of Trader Joe’s chocolate covered espresso beans.

That’s a lot of chocolate. And even more coffee. The vet said it would be like drinking ten espressos.

Now chocolate, as you probably know, is poison to dogs. But it’s not the chocolate that’s the problem, it’s the caffeine. It’s a stimulant that can cause them to have seizures and heart attacks…and die.

So chocolate + coffee is a Malatov cocktail. So a night spent at the emergency vet and a day at the vet with an IV and regular EKGs and multiple baths to get the explosive diarrhea off him, and he’s still alive and probably ready to come home in a few more hours and start stealing food off the counters all over again.

A couple weeks ago.

A couple weeks ago.

Thus, bullet dodged, I’m feeling a little less horrified by the whole thing, which is why in his honor I thought I might share with you a brief list of some of the other things I remember him swiping and eating. This is not by any measure a  conclusive list. Dozer  is 1533 days old…which translates to a whole lot of counter stealing. More than I could ever accurately recount. Nonetheless, here’s what I’ve got:

  • Kumquats
  • A box of cake mix
  • Cantaloupe
  • Italian salad
  • Macaroni and cheese
  • Raw pie crust
  • Meatloaf
  • Quiche
  • Rotten strawberries
  • Pepitas
  • Steaks off people’s plates
  • Fettucine alfredo off people’s plates
When the snow melted last winter, it became clear what Dozer had been up to in the prior weeks.

When the snow melted last winter, it became clear what Dozer had been up to in the prior weeks.

  • Basically anything off unsuspecting people’s plates
  • Hummus
  • Egg shells
  • Guacamole
  • Smoked salmon
  • Grilled salmon
  • Lasagna
  • Sushi
  • Bacon – raw, cooked, whatever
  • Taco shells and the box they came in
  • Unbaked turkey stuffing
  • Enumerable sticks of butter (his most favorite thing ever)
  • Fried chicken
  • Compost
  • Cheetos
  • Lunch meat
Hoping to get a little soda to wash it all down.

Hoping to get a little soda to wash it all down.

  • An entire block of horseradish cheese
  • Mayonnaise
  • A bag of potato chips
  • Cheerios
  • Wheat Thins
  • Dry pasta
  • Spaghetti with meat sauce (his very first theft at 10 weeks old)
  • Pistachios
  • Several packages of liverwurst – wrapper and all
  • Cantaloupe
  • A martini (he was three months old)
  • A tube of toothpaste
  • Hot tea with milk
  • Chocolate milk
  • Beer
  • Bananas
  • Shoes
Somes you've got to eat a little paper to get to the good stuff.

Somes you've got to eat a little paper to get to the good stuff.

  • Hazelnuts
  • Countless loaves of bread
  • Fertilizer
  • Homemade carmel rolls
  • Pizza
  • Cat food
  • Uncooked rice
  • The plastic scoop used to measure out his kibble
  • Apples
  • Several pumpkin pies (one of his nicknames – Pumpkin Pie)
  • Caesar salad
  • Blue cheese dressing
  • Blue cheese
  • The bag his dog food comes in
  • A box of raisins (which required a trip to the vet to have his stomach pumped)
  • Tomatoes on the vine
  • Rice
  • Thai takeout
  • Four bags of tulip bulbs
Early thievery. Back when reaching the counter was a struggle.

Early thievery. Back when reaching the counter was a struggle.

  • Chinese takeout
  • Any takeout
  • Blueberry muffins
  • A deck of cards
  • Oatmeal cookies
  • Popcorn
  • Canned tuna
  • Short ribs
  • A bag of lollipops
  • Special K
  • Power bars
  • Crepe batter
  • French fries
  • A Snickers bar
  • Goldfish crackers
  • A tin of breath mints

 

Baby's first - stolen - pasta! (And don't even try to tell me this isn't the cutest thing you've ever seen in your entire life.)

Baby's first - stolen - pasta! (And don't even try to tell me this isn't the cutest thing you've ever seen in your entire life.)

Like I said, this is just some stuff off the top of my head…

Now don’t go thinking the dog has no self-respect. He is a glutton, but he does draw the line at citrus fruit and jalapeno peppers. But he’s not above putting a couple tooth marks in them just to make sure his palate hasn’t matured.

You never know.

I used to hate pineapple and now I love it.

Things change.

And some things – like gluttony – never do.

 

 

It's hard to believe he was this small once.

It's hard to believe he was this small once.

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I have not seen ‘Up’

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

but whoever wrote the lines for the dog is friggin’ genius.

“I have just met you, and I LOVE YOU.”

Disney has disabled embedding, so you have to watch the video here:

***Pause while you watch clip***

Assuming you went and did that and now you’re back, I just have to say:

Holy crap. That is my dog.

My dog possibly wrote “Up.”

(Where the hell are the commissions???)

Seriously though, that’s Dozer: Nose, enthusiasm, love at first sight.

If nothing else, the idiot (hanging out of the side of the mouth) tongue is a dead giveaway.

God bless him.

I am madly in love with my dog.

All the while honoring his (extensive) limitations…every day of my life I adore him more than the day before.
It’s kind of sick, really.

But he’s so friggin’ funny and big-hearted and, well, Doug. I’m kind of feeling like a kindred spirit with whatever wonderful person envisioned, wrote, and created “Doug.”

Three cheers for dogs!!!

p.s.

Slightly frantically packing and trying to do 2.2 billion things prior to a two-week trip, but more tomorrow. Swear.

p.p.s.

Unless I can (quickly) figure out the upload video stuff on WordPress, I’ll be setting up a YouTube account imminently to share Dozer’s efforts – sans his good and smart master – to communicate with a member of the feline species.

Preview: It’s loud and it’s futile.

Squirrel!

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Cause célèbre

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
Me and Dozer over the weekend

Me and Dozer over the weekend

It’s official.

My dog, Dozer, is a celebrity, a sensation, and a canine rock star. I doubt Bono would’ve caused a bigger fuss than the Big Doh elicited today. Quite frankly, speaking as a regular non-famous and non-famous looking human being, I’ve never seen anything like this. Ever.

A million years ago I knew Weird Al Yankovic and we once went to get some ice cream before one of his shows. A few people came up and asked for his autograph, but (and no offense, Al), it was nothing like the response to my dog.

You walk him down busy city streets and people stop in their tracks, drop to their knees, and start kissing him. Actually, I find this extremely brave considering the number one rule of strange dogs (particularly huge strange dogs) is don’t invade their space unless you know it’s safe. Luckily for the crazed dog lovers stroking him, embracing him, and even sticking their lips millimeters from his mouth on every block, it’s safe.

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Last night, a group of Japanese tourists ran out into traffic, their eyes shining as they frantically dug out their cameras. This is a testament to his northern beauty, a furry siren song, as these folks were risking death or at a least a head-on collision with a bus in order to meet Dozer and have their pictures taken with him. I’m starting to think if this writing career idea doesn’t pan out, maybe I’ll just set up on the corners of popular tourist attractions like Times Square, Las Vegas Boulevard, or the Embarcadero and charge $1.00 per hug? $3.00 for photos.

Either that or take him to Hollywood and get this pretty boy an agent. I foresee a bright future selling Eukanuba or Kibbles and Bits and Bits (with more Bits!).

It worked for Benji, and he wasn’t even all that cute.

The look on his face in this picture makes me laugh

The look on his face in this picture makes me laugh

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Ultimate fighting or blogging: Which causes more brain leakage?

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

If this isn't both the saddest and the cutest thing you've ever seen, you need to get your head checked!

If this isn't both the saddest and the cutest thing you've ever seen, you need to get your head checked!

This was the debate topic posed by Lewis Black tonight on his Comedy Central show. Patton Oswalt was called upon to argue that blogging is the root of all evil. Alongside some weak attempts at amusement, he did point out rather accurately that the average blog contains useless personal minutiae peppered with pictures of the blogger’s cat dressed as Harry Potter.

My own cat, Siddhartha, has way too much self-respect and street cred for that. This is what I get for naming him after the precursor to a deity.

However, Dozer, my Alaskan Malamute, is not so fortunate. Or bright. Or feline. So it is in that spirit that I present you with a photo of him dressed as Superman. Sit back and enjoy the warm, milky feeling of the brain melt…

p.s.

I did enjoy the potential blog name proposed by Patton: “Random Thoughts By a Disorganized Douche Bag.” I wonder if that’s taken???

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