So the Bermuda rains continue, and I’m trying like crazy not to get sick.

My compadres are recovering from swine flu and descending into a cold (and sneezing on every available surface), respectively, but so far, so good. This is largely in part thanks zinc supplements and sheer will, and no thanks to sound sleep, as that is (as you know) sorely lacking.

On the other hand, one upside of rain: awesome tree frogs

Although things were pretty quiet the first few nights, after the rains hit, the darkness exploded in song. At first I thought it was some kind of wacky bird, but my friend straightened me out that it is actually nocturnal tree frogs.

To quote some site from which I copied this and can no longer recall well enough to attribute: “Tree frogs spend their days quietly resting under moist leaf litter and stones. As night falls, they climb up nearby trees. The males then strike up a tune, hoping to attract mates.”

If frogs aren’t your thing, how about some toad licking?

That’s right. Bermuda has those toads you lick that supposedly get you high.

Another quote from another mystery source, “The giant toad (Bufo marinus) is thought to have been introduced to Bermuda in 1875 by Captain Nathaniel Vesey. He brought around 25 from British Guyana to help control the island’s cockroach population. Toads are now found all over the island.”

Nice work, Captain Vesey. Turns out we invented chemicals to deal with the roach stuff, but A for effort. Well, sort of. It didn’t really work. There are plenty of roaches around 135 years later, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, back to the unattributed quotes:

“The toads are about 5 to 6 inches long and are frequently found squashed flat on the road; hence the nickname ‘road toad’. A high percentage of Bermuda’s toads (25%) have abnormalities; 5 legs etc. It is thought this may be due to pesticides, heavy metals, and other contaminants.”

Scree…….!!!!

Um…..

What?
Please tell me this isn’t related to the allegedly clean limestone purified rain water. I really don’t need an extra limb or second head or anything.

“Toads can pose a health risk to pets. When dogs and other pets play with them they feel threatened and release venom from their skin. This can easily kill.”

In addition to the whole, one-time contact with the toads will kill your dog issue, I did a little research on the whole toad licking thing (I didn’t see any – except for the road toad variety – but it’s good to be prepared), and it was complicated and risky. There was stuff about somehow smoking the toad excretions and possible hardcore side effects and well, as the title says, you can get a much safer and more practical psychedelic effect with $10 and a dealer.

Ironically, just now as I’m writing this, the Family Guy where Meg is hiding a Colombian psychdelic toad for the cool kids in the hopes of fitting in is on. Weird, right?

“Mr. Toad, How many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Long Island State Prison?”

“Just one.”

The cast of Family Guy is on Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton!!!

I know!!!

It’s a colossal event- a clash of the titans, if you will – that cannot be underestimated.

(And I had no idea that Seth MacFarlane did basically all the voices – or all the voices of note: Peter, Stewie, Brian, Quagmire, etc. etc. – until I saw that Hulu commercial. It is seriously weird to see those voices come out of real people’s mouths. It’s kind of freaking me out.  I may have bad dreams…)

This is not related to anything actually, but here's a picture of me from Thursday illustrating how truly terrible the weather during our beach trip really was. I'm the gnat on the chair, as my dad likes to capture a lot of 'atmosphere'. The other things are trash cans and a knocked-over lifeguard chair. And maybe a dead body or porpoise or two. Hard to say.

In other news I have – at long friggin’ last – resumed editing. With a schedule of 13 pages a day (and they’re basically re-writes, so that’s no small feat) for the first edit, and 25 pages a day for the second edit – and with weekends off – I should hit my goal of total, agent-ready completion by November 1st  (a.k.a. the one-year anniversary of the sunset of the trip.)

I’ll tell you what, I don’t know what happened to me there for the last three weeks/month. Basically, my brain ran off to Vanuatu on a forged passport, and with the lack of extradition agreement, I was more or less stuck here – drool pouring freely out of my mouth – waiting for it to get back.

Thankfully, that’s finally happened (I’m back, baby!!!), and I am  so freaking relieved to be back in the saddle, back on the wagon, back to the future, and back to black.

I’m back to nature, back to school, back to the future III, back to Africa, back to bed…

You get the point, right? I’m back!!!

I had no idea this even existed. I was actually kind of kidding. Quel coincidence!

(And you’re probably starting to realize that I am a formidable Scattergories opponent. I am. I only learned that on Tuesday night, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’m damn impressed with my own incredible talent.)

As for the book (tentatively titled The Food Machine), I’d like to utilize this forum to post an open note to the official readers – and you know who you are: Schedule an appointment with your optometrist, get your glasses properly adjusted, and get ready!!!

THIS time, you’re actually going to get a chunk of chapters to read. This weekend! And I’m not kidding. I’m not!

Game on!!!

which means I’m tired and worn out…in Spanish…because I think I’m still a little tired from the after-effects of my Mexican ‘vacation.’

Breezing through everything you eat in 3 hours end-to-end may sound awesome, but it takes its toll. And it racks  up the toilet paper bills like you wouldn’t believe.

I’m also less than two weeks from finishing my second book, and I’m pushing extremely hard to the finish line – ten to twelve pages a day. Some days it’s really fun and just flows like buttah. Take last Friday, for instance: I wrote 16 pages without really thinking about it.

But today? Hitting my ten-page quota bordered on impossible…and took me most of the day.

On the upside, it’s (hopefully) worth it. I feel really good about this effort, and am going to turn around and edit it immediately in order to get queries out to agents just as fast. Who knows? If I’m feeling super lazy, I may just post some excerpts here.

I can relate. My dog is worse than Hitler sometimes, too.

Finally, to top off my trifecta of exhaustion, there’s been serious heat lightening here at night. My dog, it turns out, has a lightening phobia or lightening rage or some other undiagnosed mental disorder that led to him going outside and howling and shrieking at it through all hours of the night. I kept having to get up and go drag him back in by the collar (until I finally wised up and locked his dog door)

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day.

In the meantime, I am vegetating in front of the TV watching Hell’s Kitchen. There’s a woman named Tennille who’s probably in her early to mid-30’s. Now I don’t care if you want to pay tribute to the Skyrockets in flight that brought you your little bundle of joy: that’s just cruel. Wonder if she’s got a brother named The Captain?

Have you seen the G.I. Joe ads? Boy, that movie looks AWFUL.

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