Posts Tagged ‘food humor’

Colossal, mutant, swollen ovaries

Monday, September 21st, 2009

Wha…?

You’re still here?

Even with that title?

And you honestly want to read whatever goes with a title like that?

(Weirdos.)

Man, what it is going to take to get rid of you people? Something extremely wrong and possibly illegal, it seems.

(Sickos.)

Nevertheless, as long as you’re here…

That's a quarter...for context.

That's a quarter...for context.

To be perfectly honest, I was going to call this post “The fine art of growing inedible vegetables,” but then I did a little research and learned that the alternative title was entirely appropriate in an inappropriate way.

So I decided to go with it instead.

There were, of course, the standard word choice dilemmas: Do I call the ovaries behemoth or monstrous or maybe just honking…but colossal spoke to me in a Colonel Sanders meets Coliseum kind of way.

Batter up!

Batter up!

So what the hell are you reading about, anyway?

As it turns out, nothing all that exciting.

Basically – as you probably know (unless you’re Jose) – I was gone for a couple weeks. And in that time, my garden produced not one, not two, but three sperm whales.

Okay, not whales so much as baseball bats.

Okay, not baseball bats so much as ridiculously oversized zucchini.

Which – by the way – I believe they call ‘courgettes’ in Great Britain (or else this oddball British guy in a hostel somewhere in Europe was screwing with me that he didn’t know what a ‘zucchini’ was just to seem interesting or compelling in an annoying way or whatever bad ideas go through the head of odd guys from Britain. Perhaps someone out there can illuminate???)

Twins. Twice the work. Twice the joy.

Twins. Twice the work. Twice the joy.

Anyway, in the interest of stretching this minor and only mildly entertaining incident into an entire blog, I looked up zucchinis on Wikipedia (I would think – and hope – by now you guys realize that my purpose in life was to wait around for the internet to be created, [Thanks, Al Gore!!!] and then look stupid stuff up. It’s not much of a calling, but it’s what I’ve got.)

So during the course of my always-compelling research, I learned some alarming and freaky facts that have caused me to relocate the offending vegetable body parts onto the back deck.

Read and learn:

“In a culinary context, zucchini is treated as a vegetable. Botanically, however, the zucchini is an immature fruit, being the swollen ovary of the female zucchini flower.”

Ummm….what!? Gross! (That fact  right there was enough to compel me to take the monsters outside. I don’t need no competition from any other ovaries in my own home…)

“Zucchini, like all summer squash, has its ancestry in the Americas. While most summer squash were introduced to Europe during the time of European colonization of the Americas, zucchini is Italian in origin. It was the result of spontaneously occurring mutations (also called “sports”).”

Nice how the Italians call mutations “sports”. Do they also call freaks “funs” and monsters “entertainments”?

Way to be misleading, Italy.

“Mature zucchini can be as much as three feet long, but are often fibrous and not appetizing to eat.”

Tell me about it.

“Zucchini with the flowers attached are a sign of a truly fresh and immature fruit, and are especially sought by many people.”

What people? People, if you’re out there, can you call me? I can get you what you’re looking for. They ain’t cheap, but it’s worth it. Right???

“In 2005, a poll of 2,000 people revealed the zucchini (courgette???) to be the Britain’s 10th favorite culinary vegetable.”

Woo hoo!

Tenth place!

Let’s see…gold, silver, bronze… So tenth place is what? Aluminum? Tin? Cardboard?

That is a fact so boring and worthless, it is barely worth repeating. In fact, I urge you not to repeat it, lest you drive off an otherwise interested potential mate.

“One good way to control over-abundance is to harvest the flowers, which are an expensive delicacy in markets because of the difficulty in storing and transporting them.”

Again, would someone looking for this expensive zucchini crap please contact me? I can set you up…for a price.


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Butterfish Blowout

Monday, January 26th, 2009
Yea, baby! Raw! This oughtta get the job done twice as fast!

Yea, baby! Raw! This oughtta get the job done twice as fast!

A little over a year ago, the Butterfish and I first met. It was a cold, snowy night on the lake in western New York – isn’t it always? In hindsight, I was just an innocent babe then; trusting and carefree. But not for long.

Although it spent just minutes in my mouth, the Butterfish legacy is a memory that will haunt me for many years to come.

I was in Buffalo attending some meetings, and since my boss never wanted to spring for a rental car, I had to slog a half a mile twice each day in three feet of snow past drug dealers and panhandlers and uphill and in four-inch heels. Worst of all, I was more or less trapped at the Hampton Inn each night. Food options were scarce, but there was an Asian fusion restaurant downstairs that offered room service. I’d eaten there the night before and opted for some Thai soup and a salad, which was pretty good. However, on this particular night I was tempted by the butterfish, touted as the ‘filet mignon of the sea.’

Filet mignon, you say? And for just $17.99? Bring it on!!!

A half an hour later, it was delivered to me in a Styrofoam box along with some plastic cutlery. Despite the unassuming presentation, I will say that on the way down it was delicious. Rich, flavorful, and quite buttery – it really was some damn good fish. I still recall savoring the last bites, as little did I know that the filet mignon of the sea doubles as the Ex-Lax of the sea.

But more about that in a second.

What I’m about to describe you will not doubt find disturbing. Not quite as disturbing as I did that cold December week…but disturbing. Nonetheless, I consider it a critical public service to warn you about the dire threat this unassuming salt water dweller poses to your underwear, your pants, and yes, even your couch.

Remember “Olestra”? The fake oil put into “WOW” potato chips, potent enough to require that warnings be posted on the bags?

Kudos to wwwpmcaregiverscom where I found this image.

Kudos to www.pmcaregivers.com, where I found this image.

Well, move over, Olestra. Butter fish would like to show you how it’s done.

You see, although it’s oh-so-good on the way down, Butter fish – thanks to its high content of indigestible wax esters – makes orange oil shoot out of your @ss. Whenever it so pleases. For a week.

Why am I bringing this up?

Well, because I saw it on two menus in Hawaii! And I only ate out three times. And it was presented there as a viable entree, without any kind of posted warning or danger symbol or requirements to sign a waiver. And because I’m just insane enough that I was tempted to get it just to see if it was as good as I remembered and – of course – for blogging purposes. Because no one loves stories about inadvertently ruining rental cars and plane seats more than me. Guaranteed hilarity! But then thoughts of my window seat on a packed six-hour red eye – and the reality that they probably wouldn’t let me switch seats after I ruined mine – knocked me back to my senses.

Anyway, when heading into battle, it’s important to know the enemy. Like any good demonic entity, the fish is known by many names:

  • “Butterfish”

  • “Hawaiian Walu”

  • Sphincter Surprise”

  • Escolar”

  • Thar She Blows!”

  • Fire Butt”

  • “Super white Tuna”

  • Say Goodbye to Those Khakis”

and

  • King Tuna”

And if that isn’t enough, take a gander at this little nugget of investigative reporting I swiped from another site reporting this alarming but absurd (but true!) story as hard-hitting news:

‘As early as 1990, the FDA issued a warning bulletin recommending the cessation of escolar exportation due to the unpleasant evacuation results. It was lifted a short time later because the fish was found to be “nontoxic.” Meanwhile, Japan banned sale of it the fish outright, a ban that continues to this day. In 2007, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency issued a “fact sheet” about escolar that alerted customers to the potential for adverse effects.’

And from this I conclude three things:

  1. The American obesity epidemic might be greatly reduced if we started subbing escolar into all Friday ‘Fish and Chips’ school lunches.

  2. The Japanese are an imminently sane and rational people.

  3. Should you decide to try a little Butterfish for yourself, insist that the waiter provide you with a doggie bag full of Depends adult diapers and a Tide Stain Stick ToGo. And make sure you have an aisle seat for the flight home.

Bon Appetit!

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