Fuck.

Did I really used to write this thing every day?

I must have had nothing going on.

I mean NOTHING.

I so do not have time for this nonsense now.

And yet here I am.

Yet again.

So what’s this thing about again?
Oh yeah. That’s right. Four calling birds.

That sounds like a bad gift right there: Four noisy-ass birds.

Do you have birds? Or know anyone with birds? They are loud. LOUD. LOUD.

It’s the universe punishing us for (sort of) domesticating birds and clipping their wings and throwing table cloths over their cages at night.

Break it down.

We’re jerks.

So anyway, speaking of ‘calling birds’, I don’t know about four, but I do have a story. You see, once upon a time, I went into my high school Graphic Arts II class and the substitute teacher was my dad’s ex-girlfriend.

And she was a really lovely and charming and delightful person…but she had a truly awful son.

No. Don’t judge. I’m dead serious. Even as youth, my brother and I couldn’t stand the kid (exactly one year in between us in age). He was – and pardon my French – a punk ass bitch.

Nonetheless, it had been a few years and I was excited and happy to reunite with her, and she sensed my weakness and that’s why – through a complex and unfortunate mix of guilt and pity and ‘reuinted and it feels so good’ and pity – she convinced me to go to her son’s prom with him.

Because no other female human would.

And the few chimps they knew were busy.

So along comes the big night –  fabulous and magical (or not. All I remember is that he spent most of it outside smoking as he had been a foreign exchange student in France for most of the year and picked up the vile habit and imported it in the hopes of seeming cool) – and I went over to have dinner at their house.

And they had some kind of really smart black bird (a Macaw?) in a cage, and it was a pistol. I’d never really given birds much thought, and this thing blew my mind. In addition to singing songs and reciting poetry and calling the dog over to tease it, the bird would make the EXACT sound of the telephone ringing, and then do this dead-on impression of the mother (my dad’s ex).

“Hello? Oh, hiiiiiiii!”

And in addition to being strange and spooky and kind of unnerving, It was actually one of the more hilarious things I’ve ever seen in my life.

But in case you have short term memory issues or don’t really care enough to remember the little incidentals about me or simply show up to look at the pretty pictures and don’t actually read anything…I am easily amused.

And I will proceed to prove that fact to you again in a moment.

But before I do, let me take you back to a time in the not-so-distant past. A time we thought the world was going to end because of some faulty computer programming written thirty-five years earlier.

A time when we all learned the word ‘hanging chads,’ something we now know to be a little scrap of paper that destroyed Al Gore’s soul, but left him an environmental guru (as well as inventor of the internet).

An era when a little boy named Elian showed up off the Miami coast clinging to an inner tube and captured America’s attention…shortly before being deported back to Cuba and spending the rest of his life bad-mouthing us, joining the Young Communist Union of Cuba, and currently training in Cuban military school. Remember Disneyworld, Elian? Do they have anything like that in Cuba? Mickey Mouse? Goofy? Space Mountain? Didn’t think so.

The era when O magazine first hit the stands, Katie Lee Gifford quit Regis and Kathie Lee, and AOL bought Time Warner, thus sealing both of their fates.

It was also, as you may recall or may just now be learning, a time when Jack Black did not suck.

In fact, he was pretty damn funny then, culminated by his somewhat ridiculous band (and related HBO show) Tenacious D. And there was an episode of Tenacious D that year where they meet their ‘biggest fan’ who has set up a website about them and seems rather obsessed – kind of like Mel on Flight of the Conchords (another great HBO show about a ridiculous band that you should be watching if you’re not already watching it.)

So anyway – and yes, I still remember the original point of this post and am slowly plodding toward it – this is the clip containing a character named Lee. To fill you in and spare you the lengthy version: They’ve met Lee the night before, checked out the website he set up dedicated to them, and become obsessed with him. Way to turn the tables on your stalker! Watch it and learn.

And that is relevant because of this rather hilarious ‘Muscle Milk’ ad (I’m not immediately familiar with Muscle Milk, but I have seen it for sale at the gym. I imagine it’s for babies who want to be really buff.) sent to me late last night, that is highly relevant because of its earnest celebration of the impending holiday known as Thanksgiving.

And because that guy is obviously Lee.

And because he vaguely reminds me of my friend’s boyfriend (kind of like how Bret of Flight of the Conchords reminds me of my other friend’s boyfriend.)

And because this is my first year of appreciating that Thanksgiving can be funny.

(And lastly, just in case you’re not already watching Flight of the Conchords, here’s one of their songs to get you started…)

Oh hell, it’s the holidays. It’s the season of giving. So in that spirit, here’s another one of my most favorite Flight of the Conchords bits:

You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for business, that’s why they call it business socks…

Jermaine should have been on my list of freaky-looking dudes I have crushes on. If the show is accurate, he’s part Maori (because there’s an episode where they set up “New Zealand Town” in New York City and force him to play the Maori.)

p.s.

The entire time I’ve been compiling this for you, Fu Manchu has been nursing (and there really is no other word for it. There’s a strange, loud, and consistently-timed sucking noise emanating from his head) on my bathrobe. Now I’ve got to wash my bathrobe, Fu.

Thanks for nothing. Weirdo.

p.p.s.

So as to prove my point, there are little bits of bathrobe material caught under his nails.

Don’t commit any crimes, Fu, because those claws of yours are evidence magnets.

Holy hell.

It’s that time of year again.

Has somebody invented a ‘time speeder upper’ machine and neglected to tell me?

Regardless, Thanksgiving (American Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t normally know this, but I recently learned that Canadians also have Thanksgiving and that it already happened. Do you guys have a similar story with Native Americans saving your starving colonists’ bacon one winter by showing up with a feast of corn and turkeys and grain or ???) is just around the corner.

In honor of the impending day, I saw a link to an article entitled, “25 Ways to Make Thanksgiving Memorable” and although I didn’t read it, I’m onto it. At least I think I am.

I’m currently without internet access to confirm my suspicions, but I’m expecting things like traced handprint turkey place markers and posting written lists of gratitude and other sentimental ‘awwwww’ ideas – and who needs that? I’m about as thankful as they come, but I still hate it when I’m forced to publicly declare gratitude because the maker of the dinner has decreed it so.

I have problems with authority.

Wanna make something of it?

Anyway, realizing that you need schmalzy feel-good ideas like I need a hole in the head, I decided to come up with a list of 25 untried and in no way true nor guaranteed nor foolproof nor advisable ways to make Thanksgiving 2009 memorable.

Maybe not in a good way.
But it will be memorable.

1. Burn everything – even things that aren’t cooked. Burn up extras and toss them into the Jello mold and store-bought cranberry sauce. Be creative! Burned up paper is edible in small amounts. Probably.
2. Serve nothing but fudge formed into the shape of traditional Thanksgiving items. White fudge for mashed potatoes. Peanut butter fudge formed into a turkey. Chocolate fudge can be…the fudge? Regardless, you get the idea…
3. Dishing out grub at a food kitchen is so last year. Bring home street people for Thanksgiving dinner. Real homeless! Reeking of urine and booze! In your mother-in-laws’ upholstered dining room chairs! Imagine that…
4. Make drinking mandatory – even for children.
5. Require that everyone dress as their favorite Pilgrim. Don’t have a favorite? That’s what Wikipedia is for.
6. Refuse to call your guests anything but “Kimosabe” and “white man”
7. Instead of turkey, serve ‘the most dangerous game’ – man
8. Rather than going around listing what you’re thankful for, list off the people you’re glad aren’t there.
9. Stage a reenactment of the Roanoke disaster (or your best guess as to what that may have looked like.)
10. Go foraging for berries and make your cranberry sauce out of that. Have someone old or already infirm sample it first.
11. After dinner suggest a rousing game of “What can I get in exchange for these beads and some small pox infested blankets?”
12. Pumpkin pie is so obvious. Carrot pie is not.
13. Instead of giving thanks, give advice. Don’t like the way your niece is living her life? Tell her about it! Everybody loves unsolicited advice! Right? Right???
14. Take the whole crew out to the nearest Top of China buffet restaurant. That’ll teach them to simply ‘assume’ you’ll happily prepare a meal for six hours.
15. Wait for everyone to fill their plates and then continually point to particular items and ask, ‘Are you gonna eat that?”
16. Midway through the meal, emerge with a razor and announce that the person with the longest hair will be subjected to a traditional Indian-style “scalping” (No need to truly remove their skin. Just shave the hair. That’ll be plenty memorable.)
17. Nothing like playing truth or dare with the family! Make the dares impossible, so that there’s nothing left but the truth, “So who is my real father, Mom?”
18. Instead of bread, make your stuffing with ‘whatever.’ Anything goes! Potato chips, frozen peas, fruitcake and cat food. You’re the chef. You call the shots.
19. To really spice up #18, have people submit guesses as to what, exactly, is in this years ‘stuffing.’ The closest guess wins a prize. You can decide how good or lame said prize is.
20. Instead of a ‘children’s table’ have an ‘asshole’s table’ and treat it like musical chairs. “One false move, Mary, and you bump Uncle Bob up to the grown-ups table…”
21. Continually pipe up with “God bless us, everyone!” until someone employs physical force to make you stop.
22. Sure, it’s been done to death, but don’t underestimate the memorability of deep frying a turkey and ‘accidentally’ burning your house down. Plus, it gets you out of making Christmas dinner.
23. Suggest that everyone go around the table and share one brutally honest thought with the others, children included. “Cindy, I’ve been watching you play with the other children, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to grow up to be a stripper.”
24. Sure, turkey is traditional, but koala will give them a story to tell.
25. Food fight!!!

Actually, I have nothing to say on the subject of rainbows and unicorns, it just sounded like a perfectly awful (and slightly terrifying) title. Unicorns are a’ight. I’ve never seen one, but if I did I think I would be worried it would gore me. I recently saw a photo where a rainbow ends right on top of an SUV. It would seem the pot of gold comes in many forms…

Me at seven months old. I think I was playing peek-a-boo. And I was damn good at it. Or so I've been told.

So without any proper intro, let’s get down to business and check out this little photo montage I lovingly prepared for you. And believe me, although I didn’t manage to get a post up in a timely manner, I invested time as if I had. There’s no need to rehash the hairy details; sufficed to say: Leopard, dammit, HP scanner, restart, 2004, ^$%%@!!!, even more drivers, eventual success.

At any rate, and as you can see (unless you are in blind, and in which case, how are you reading this? Probably text to speech. Okay, ignore that question. I figured it out myself.) I have put together a little “this is my life” for you based on some photos I found in the garage last month while searching for a tape player. Actually, and more accurately, it’s “this is the first ten years of my life” but I really don’t appreciate you taking everything so literally. Yeah. I said it. I’ve had about enough of your guff. Keep it to yourself, pal.

So, let’s see. What’s been going on?

From the size of my brother, I'd say I'm about 2 1/2 in this one. And no, I wasn't one of those genius babies that could read, I just had an early start on faking it until you make it.

First, as you probably know, I got a year older. That’s right. Despite my attempts to resist the march of time, time marched over me. What can I say? Time is a relentless bastard, and there’s just no reasoning with him. Believe me, I’ve tried.

In celebration of yet another candle on the cake, I had a low-key day that was pretty much like every other day: editing, going for a run, voodoo ceremony, more editing, goofing around on the internets, animal sacrifice, and some pizza with friends. In all actuality, my cake had four candles for some bad math/unknown reason (I think the explanation given was that it looked proportionate), and I successfully blew them all out.  (!!!)

I can’t reveal my wish, lest it not come true, but sufficed to say, someone living in a beach house in Kauai is going to start feeling strangely compelled to sign it over to me any day now…

Me (the ham. The only one paying attention to the camera) at probably my fifth birthday. I actually remember that cake. My mom's friend made it.

In other news, I filed a petition to enact the Modified Benjamin Button Effect. As we all know, I’ve been fighting the ravages of time pretty damn well (thank you god of looking younger than you are), but in another twenty years, I may not be quite as hot. Make no mistake, I’ll still turn some heads at the nursing home, but I also don’t want to be Cher. You know, 63 but carrying on like you’re 25. It lacks dignity.

That’s why I think the best plan is to get to 50, and then let the clock start running backwards. I have to imagine one’s 40’s are a lot more fun when you know your 30’s and 20’s lie ahead.

Nobody gets hurt, and I’m happy.

If you ask me, it’s win/win.

Now, I never saw that movie, but I know enough to know that what I’ve laid out isn’t QUITE the Benjamin Button effect. You’re supposed to start out old and get young, but seeing as I (obviously) didn’t start out old, I’m hoping for a pass on that small detail.

The Halloween of my 10th year (with my brother). My mother was the queen of improvising costumes out of nothing - with mixed success. Thank god I grew into my 'man hands.' What the hell was going on there????

Anyway, I haven’t heard back on my petition yet (bureaucracies. There’s so much red tape), but I’m hopeful. Plus, I’ve got a solid thirteen years until the backwards clock starts, so I’m not going to stress it too much just yet.

In conclusion, and in case you were wondering, I included these photos for you so you’d recognize me in the future. Assuming things go according to plan, this is how I plan to look during my ‘golden years.’

p.s.

Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes on the last blog post! It’s really a cool thing to think I type up this nonsense and multiple someones somewhere actually read it. You guys are the best!!!!

(Even if your first name is Frothy. It’s not your fault. Obviously it’s a family name or your mother was very young and not really thinking it through…)

I have a huge crush on Tony Bourdain. I love his dry sense of humor. And his willingness to eat anything.

I was watching Anthony Bourdain No Reservations, and he was actually in the outer boroughs (which was interesting because he’s a New Yorker, but knew nothing about anything outside Manhattan and parts of Brooklyn), and he was in Staten Island with David Johansen of the New York Dolls and asked him, “What’s great about Staten Island that people don’t know?” and his response was, “We have a lot of think tanks here.”

And that got me thinking.

First, it got me thinking that was one of the most unexpected ‘what’s great about Staten Island’ responses ever. David should get a prize just for saying something so random.

The next time someone asks me what’s great about the town I live in, I’m going to say, “Skunks. We have a lot of skunks.” And it’s both true AND unpredictable. (But if you know anything about what I went through with said skunks, it’s also a wee bit out of character. Oh well. Being impossibly delightful sometimes requires a selective memory.)

See what I mean?

Second, it got me thinking that David was some kind of long-lost brother or cousin or illegitimate spawn of Mick Jagger. Or the Aerosmith guy. What’s his name again? (***doing some of that impressive thinking I’m about to be known for***) Oh yes, Steven Tyler. Some kind of hybrid baby made out of the rock n’ roll DNA of the both of them. The lips don’t lie.

Then I continued on thinking that the man looks like he has lived a seriously harsh life. You don’t get wrinkles like that playing tennis at the country club all day.

From there, my thoughts turned to how David looked weirdly familiar and although I know what The New York Dolls are in kind of a collective unconscious but not super specific kind of way, I don’t really ‘know’ them. Which is another way of saying, I’m not a big fan or anything – in fact, I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever heard their music – so where could this sense of familiarity possibly come from?

And THEN I started thinking through possible reasons he might be drinking out of a pineapple and why there seemed to be so many tiki bars on Staten Island, and that’s when it occurred to me: I am a thinking machine.

All I DO is think.

Hey! I think I have that belt! And that hot pink t-shirt! And maybe the skirt... Not the belly, though. Definitely not recognizing the belly.

I was born to think.

And I was born thinking.

Thinking is my calling.

And all that thinking led me to an obvious and inevitable conclusion:  A think tank should hire me.

And pay me handsomely.

To think.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and that’s not very nice of you. Don’t scoff at my dreams, bust my balloon, pee on my parade.

A think tank would be damn lucky to have me. Let me break it down for you: I’m sure what they’re used to are all these stuffy, boring, academia types who think exactly the same.

I could come in there, introduce some cultural references and slightly irrelevant trains of thought and get the proverbial blood flowing. And if providing a little ‘eye candy’ were necessary, I can rock a pencil skirt and 4″ heels like nobody’s business and get the actual blood flowing.

So to all think tanks out there: Drop me a line. Give me a jingle. Have your people call my people.

I’m available to work for you…for a price. And not full-time or anything. I’ve got a lot of side projects. And a book I should be editing right now instead of writing this nonsense.

I'm digging the leather coat, David. Come to think of it, if I get this Staten Island think tank job, I should come over. We could share clothes!

Oh, and I don’t really want to sit in an office.

Unless your office is somewhere cool (and no, I don’t mean the temperature. I mean cool as in awesome. For example: Staten Island is not cool. Manhattan is cool. Palm Springs, CA is cool. Kilauea, Kauai is cool.

But you’re smart people. You can put some brain power on it and figure out what I might consider cool.)

So, like I was saying, not going to sit in an office more than one or two days a month, not available full-time, willing to wear tight skirts, and of course, I can think it up until smoke comes out of my ears.

Act now.

Operators are standing by.

(A Google search on David Johansen cleared up the familiarity mystery: He has an alter ego called ‘Buster Poindexter’ that had that song “Hot Hot Hot” in the 80’s. How weird is that? Weird, right? That’s what I thought, also. You should probably work for a think tank, too. No really. You’d be good at it. I’m sure you would. That’s what I think, anyway.)

Crazy, right??? Methinks he might have been in 'Scrooged' too. Anyone with me on that?