A million years ago, I had been dating someone for about eight months when my birthday rolled around. He gave me:

a) an answering machine

b) a down comforter (which I still have, if you can imagine anything sadder.)

I was VERY young at the time (it was my 21st birthday, in fact) and he was 33 and a lawyer and – let’s call a spade a spade here – kind of an asshole. Hindsight being what it is, I now know the answering machine was because I didn’t have one (dirty hippie) and that annoyed him, and the blanket was likely because he found himself waking up cold when he stayed over at my shitty apartment.

I wish they actually made these.

Needless to say, it didn’t take too much longer before I realized he actually didn’t give a rat’s ass about me and moved on, but the memory of the practical and rather self-serving gifts remains, although I pretty much never think about that birthday or the guy himself, well, ever. Nonetheless, I happened to notice a headline about “What His Gift Means” and…enter my trip down memory lane.

As for the article, I thought I would offer a point/counter-point perspective.  They say potato, I say potahto or some such thing. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not necessarily trying to rain on your parade. I just think it pays to consider things from all perspectives. Like the Boy Scouts say, “be prepared.”

1. The Gift: Perfume

What it means: I’d like you to be my girlfriend.

Hmmmm… Could be. I don’t know about that as a slam dunk, however. I imagine it could be a lot of things: perhaps he feels you stink (and if you’re using natural deodorant, odds are you do) and hopes that can be covered up. Maybe perfume was on sale. What if it’s Love’s Baby Soft or Jean Nate? Is that still “Me man: you my woman”-worthy, or only if your dream wedding occurs in a trailer park?

I REALLY wish they made these.

2. The Gift: Chocolates

What it means: Let’s be friends.

Wow. Really? Let’s be friends? Well, I don’t know about you, but food is a good way to make friends with me!
As for the other possible meanings; just off the top of my head, “Hey fatty, it looks like you enjoy sugar.”

“I have all the creativity of a tree stump.”

“I’m hoping to eat at least half of this.”

“This is from last year/Christmas/stolen off my neighbor’s door step.”

3. The Gift: Lingerie

What it means: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

That I did not see coming. The writer compared it to giving a non-chef knives in the hopes they’ll start cooking. Through that interpretation, lingerie basically means, “You suck in bed, so I will try to distract myself from the yawnfest that is you by staring at this red satiny material and thinking about the Victoria’s Secret catalogue I picked it from.”

Ouch.

And yet…maybe?

That or “let’s be friends”

Or “I’m a horn dog, and technically this is a gift for me…not you.”

4. The Gift: Diamond Earrings

What it means: We’re engaged to be engaged.

Is it me, or is there an overload of green ones? If anything, shouldn't there be excess pink ones???

Really???

No.

Really???

I did not realize this. And I bet about 95% of men did not realize this. In fact, I bet a man is reading this right now and panicking, thinking that the earrings he gave were a good way to get out of giving a ring of ANY kind and now grappling with the sinking sensation that perhaps he’s ‘engaged to be engaged.’

Seriously though: really?

Is this sort of thing even real: “engaged to be engaged”? It sounds like a rumor swirling around a Texas sorority: you know, the kind of women who’ve never actually held a real conversation with a man and base all their interprations on Disney movies and romantic comedies staring Kate Hudson.

Where I stand, you’re engaged or you’re not. End of story.

At the same time, what do I know? It’s not exactly like I’m sitting upon a diamond mine-worth of earrings…

5. The Gift: A Frying Pan (or Any Other Way-Too-Practical Present)

What it means: Break up with me—I’m an idiot.

This makes me laugh.

Well, hell, that’s what I would have said.

Or “I’m a jerk. Make me breakfast.”

Or “I’m cheating on you, but my friends like you and my dad seems to remember your name, so I’m keeping you around…at least as a front…for now. Hit me over the head with this immediately.”

To be frank, I think there were five more gifts covered, but I’ve grown bored with this line of conversation and am moving on. Look it up yourself or use your imagination. In either case: Happy F*cking Valentine’s Day!