Posts Tagged ‘humorous take on stupid news’

Some people

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

As if we needed further proof that people are nuts…or easily angered…or both, along comes this guy to make my day.

“Who is this man?” you ask. Well, let’s do some deductive reasoning together.

They say your nose and ears keep growing your entire life, and obviously they do.

They say your nose and ears keep growing your entire life, and obviously they do.

Look at this snarly mug. Does this man look angry?

Yes! Yes, he does!

Does he look like he forgot to take his meds?

Right again!

And does he look like a man capable of delivering a beat down onto a stranger’s two-year old child in a Georgia Wal-Mart?

Well, it should, because he did.

STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga. – Police say a 61-year-old man annoyed with a crying 2-year-old girl at a Walmart slapped the child several times after warning the toddler’s mother to keep her quiet.

A police report says after the stranger hit the girl at least four times, he said: “See, I told you I would shut her up.”

Roger Stephens of Stone Mountain is charged with felony cruelty to children. It was unclear if he had an attorney and a telehpone call to his home Wednesday was unanswered.

Authorities say the girl and her mother were shopping Monday when the toddler began crying. The police report says Stephens approached the mother and said, “If you don’t shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you.”

Authorities say after Stephens slapped the girl, she began screaming.

I think the saddest sentence of this article is the last one, because it highlights the audacity of arrogance: Here this man was bragging about his ability to shut up babies, and when given a chance (or seizing a chance…either way) to demonstrate his skill, he failed miserably and made the baby even MORE upset. And then he decided to applaud his failed efforts by tossing a saucy, “See, I told you I would shut her up,” out for all to hear.

But you didn’t, Roger. You didn’t shut her up, you made her scream more.

On the other hand, just looking at him, maybe he didn’t know the difference? Or maybe general screaming sounded more pleasant to him than whining for cookies? It stands to reason he hasn’t had much contact with kids. Or at least I hope he hasn’t.

At the same time, there is a silver lining to be had. Now I’m not saying the toddler deserved this, but let’s break it down objectively here:

1. Kids are annoying. You know they are. You’ve met kids. You may even have kids. In either case, I can guarantee you’ve been annoyed by kids. And if you haven’t? Watch two minutes of that “Nanny 911″ show (whatever it’s called where the British nanny comes and straightens out the hopeless, raising a brood of horrifically spoiled brat parents) and prepare to be ANNOYED. Look, I’m not picking on kids: We were all kids once. We were all annoying. I’m not saying they’re ALWAYS annoying and don’t have their cute or charming moments, I’m just saying that a screaming two-year old – no matter how you slice it – is annoying.

2. In a way, Roger Stephens, Wal-Mart shopper and occasional looney toon, was doing this toddler a favor. The next time she sees a face like that? She’ll know what to do: Shut up and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as humanly possible. There’s no need to lecture this little one on ‘good touch’ or ‘bad touch’ or ‘getting a funny feeling about people.’ Just remind her about that time she was at Wal-Mart, and was physically assualted by a stranger, and she’s good to go.

3. In my opinion, any time you enter a Wal-Mart you really are on your own. All bets are off. Never wanted to see a 400-pound woman in a halter top? Too bad, because there’s one waiting for you by the toilet paper. Have no desire to be hit on by a toothless man in his 80s? That’s a shame, because there’s one hovering around the mangos hoping to pretend that he doesn’t know whether they’re a fruit or a vegetable in order to extract unnecessary cooking advice from you as part of a poorly constructed come-on. Don’t want to be bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake? Well, as we’ve all learned, stay out of Wal-Mart, because you are shooting your odds way up, baby.

And as for you, Roger Stephens (whose name I keep typing as Gary Stephens for some unknown reason)?
I can’t wait to see you making the talk show circuit once you get let out of jail. I’m sure there’s someone somewhere that’s interested in your views on child psychology and will extend your 15 minutes just that much more! Yay for America!

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Kids are scary

Friday, May 29th, 2009

So I stumbled into some kind of article about all the secret code kids use to talk dirty on their cell phones (a.k.a. sexting), and I, for one, am shocked.

Actually, let me restate that. I’m grossed out.

And I’m wondering how on earth it is that things have changed so much in 20 years?

 

This is actually a pretty clever ad campaign from a teen + unplanned pregnancy prevention group.

This is actually a pretty clever ad campaign from a teen + unplanned pregnancy prevention group.

When I was 18 years old, I had a close male friend who offered me $100 to record the outgoing message “When I think about you I touch myself” (in homage to the hit song at the time) on his answering machine, and I wouldn’t do it. And if I remember correctly, the offer was raised by at least another $100 before he stopped asking.

 

Yet the combination of peer pressure and cold hard cash was not enough to break me.

I think I worried about it coming back to haunt me in my bid for the Presidency or I was just a prude or who knows. Regardless, I wouldn’t do it. These days, I could use the money. You know who you are. Call me if offer still stands.

Meanwhile, I also remember that I was rendered immediately and immensely uncomfortable by the mere sight or sound of Rod Stewart. I have an explicit memory of being in my friend’s basement rec room in my late elementary years (so 9 or 10 years old), and seeing him on TV singing “If You Want My Body” and wishing I could drop dead from awkwardness and shame right then and there.

In other words, I would have never – even with the available technology – have sent any of this filthy stuff. My mother was a world-class snoop, so I probably would have had to use the ‘MOS’ or “PAL” codes (and in hindsight, wish I ‘d known them), but that’s it.

I can’t even imagine who I would have sent them to. By and large, the  boys I liked tended to be odd outcasts, unpopular and even actively disliked. Thus, my crushes were a shameful secret that I kept to myself, and I hid them so well and buried them so deep that even at this moment I struggle to recall the name of a single guy I liked in middle school. Love is weird like that. Fleeting and completely forgettable…

Anyway, and without further ado – and apologies if you’re prudish or easily offended or are now suddenly realizing that your sweet and innocent 12-year old is actually a raging floozy – here’s the lineup.

Top 50 Internet Acronyms Parents Need to Know:

1. 8 – Oral sex

2. 1337 – Elite

3. 143 – I love you

4. 182 – I hate you

5. 459 – I love you

6. 1174 – Nude club

7. 420 – Marijuana

8. ADR – Address

9. ASL – Age/Sex/Location

10. banana – Penis

11. CD9 – Code 9 (it means parents are around)

12. DUM – Do You Masturbate?

13. DUSL – Do You Scream Loud?

14. FB – F*** Buddy

15. FMLTWIA – F*** Me Like The Whore I Am

16. FOL – Fond of Leather

17. GNOC – Get Naked On Cam

18. GYPO – Get Your Pants Off

19. IAYM – I Am Your Master

20. IF/IB – In the Front -or- In the Back

21. IIT – Is it Tight?

22. ILF/MD – I Love Female/Male Dominance

23. IMEZRU – I Am Easy, Are You?

24. IWSN – I Want Sex Now

25. J/O – Jerking Off

26. KFY -or- K4Y – Kiss For You

27. kitty – Vagina

28. KPC – Keeping Parents Clueless

29. LMIRL – Let’s Meet in Real Life

30. MOOS – Member of the Opposite Sex

31. MOSS – Member(s) of the Same Sex

32. MorF – Male or Female

33. MOS – Mom Over Shoulder

34. MPFB – My Personal F*** Buddy

35. NALOPKT – Not A Lot of People Know That

36. NIFOC – Nude In Front of the Computer

37. NMU – Not Much, You?

38. P911 – Parent Alert

39. PAL – Parents are Listening

40. PAW – Parents are Watching

41. PIR – Parent in Room

42. POS – Parent Over Shoulder -or- Piece of Sh**

43. PRON – Porn

44. Q2C – Quick to Cum

45. RU/18 – Are You Over 18?

46. RUH – Are You Horny?

47. S2R – Send to Receive

48. SorG – Straight or Gay

49. TDTM – Talk Dirty to Me

50. WYCM – Will You Call Me?

 

My mental image of what todays oversexed kids will be like in another 20 years after theyve worn themselves out and cant even bear to look at the number 8 anymore.

My mental image of what today's oversexed kids will be like in another 20 years, after they've worn themselves out on talking dirty and can't even bear to look at the number 8 anymore.

 

 

I’m wondering for #49 if the following response is acceptable?

88811748811741431337888

Oooh, baby.

I love it when you text to me like that!

And I’m fond of leather.

But not like that. In a cute bomber jacket or a nice pair of boots or something. But still…

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Bad Gift Exchange: Take Two

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009

Here we go again. The new President and England face off yet again (this time with the Queen Mum) and things are even more absurd than ever:

Obama Gives the Queen an iPod

What’s the proper gift to present Queen Elizabeth II with at Buckingham Palace?

I never really understood what the expression Sour Puss meant until I saw this photo of Michelle.

I never really understood what the expression 'Sour Puss' meant until I saw this photo of Michelle.

A video iPod, apparently.

According to a White House aide, President Obama Tuesday night presented the Queen with the popular Apple device — reportedly complete with songs and video footage of the her 2007 trip to the United States.

The gift will be at least the Queen’s second iPod: in 2006 she purchased an iPod mini.

Obama also gave the Queen a rare musical songbook by Richard Rodgers.

As for the Queen, she reportedly gave the Obamas a signed photograph of her and her husband, Prince Phillip, in a sliver frame, her standard gift to foreign dignitaries.

 

I say America came out on top on this one.

The score, for those keeping score is now:

Great Britain: 1

United States: 1

iPod versus framed picture of yourself? I don’t care if you’re Giselle Bundchen, no one wants a picture of you (and your scary-looking husband. My god! Is that Phillip there on the right!? Whereas the Queen is aging quite adorably, Phillip is…well, not so much.).

Anyway, like I was saying, no one wants a picture of you if they can have an iPod instead. And an iPod loaded up with video of your (apparently) narcissistic own self!? All the better!

Heck, I’d take an iPod full of video of me! Why not? It can always be deleted.

 

I notice it also mentioned the iPod came with music pre-loaded. I can’t wait to see what that turns out to be.

Kool and the Gang’s Greatest Hits?

Don Ho’s Tiny Bubbles?

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols?

I’m cringing a little at the possibilities, but I remain – as always - optimistic.

 

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No country for drunk men

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

Note to all would-be drunk drivers out there: There’s a new scapegoat in town. Plead insanity.

Or just act insane. Either way.

DUI defendant claims that he’s his own country

EASTON, Pa. – A man accused of driving drunk said Pennsylvania courts have no jurisdiction over him because he’s his own country. After seeing the paperwork that 44-year-old Scott Allan Witmer filed with the court claiming sovereignty, a Northampton County judge said Tuesday he cannot be released from jail until he gets a mental exam.

Witmer, who represented himself, said he believes police lack jurisdiction to pull him over. As he said in court: “I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania.” He said there is no victim in the crime and asked to go to trial.

Defense attorney James Connell, Witmer’s standby counsel, said a challenge to the traffic stop would need to be filed as a pretrial motion.

 

I kind of like this idea, not so much from the drunk driving angle, but as a general approach to life. All those times I pulled out the American passport, only to be lambasted about the behavior of George W. Bush? No more. Now I hail from Vanessica, where Malamutes roam free and the crime rate is low. We’re neutral, like Switzerland, and we won’t get on board with the Euro because we’re snobs.

 

Pay my taxes? I think not.

April 15 is now a day of pagan celebration and merry making because here in Vanessica, we have no taxes. We’re ruled by a kind and extraordinarily attractive leader, who only doles out punishment if you absolutely twist her arm. She’s not passive aggressive, but she is conflict-averse. However, if you set her off? Look out.

 

If I have more time later tonight, perhaps I’ll work up a little flag for this proud nation? I’m thinking something in yellow and maybe hot pink. With some flowers and maybe a dog paw print. But before you get all carried away, don’t go sending me your tired, your poor, and your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Here in Vanessica, we live inside ourselves, so I would have absolutely nowhere to put them.

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PETA, you’re playing me like a fiddle

Friday, March 13th, 2009

Shroom Stroganoff a la PETA

Shroom Stroganoff a la PETA

I know a publicity ploy when I see one, but that doesn’t make me immune.

 

 

 

 

More stupidity from the PETA executive offices leaves me wondering what’s going on over there.

 

  • Reduced contributions during ‘these tough economic times’ and a resulting need to increase their exposure on CNN – even if it’s only as the most asinine non-profit out there?

 

  • Or has the cafeteria come into possession of some exotic ingredients and been serving up Psilocybe Cubensis Pot Pie and Mescaline tea?

 

(And if so, are non-employees allowed to dine there?)

 

 

George Clooney: The Other White Meat(like Product)

After coming into possession of a gym towel soaked in the Oscar winner’s sweat, the animal rights crusaders have penned a letter to the actor asking for permission to have PETA harvest his salty secretions to create—no joke—a Clooney-flavored line of tofu.

“The technology actually exists to take your perspiration and make it into George Clooney-flavored tofu (CloFu),” writes PETA. “Of course, your fans would swoon at the idea of eating CloFu.”

The group even quotes a researcher, who says, “If you use a sample of human perspiration, it is ‘no different than making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.’ “

Except for the fact that, bean curd texture aside, it’s proving to be a lot harder to swallow.

“As a mammal, I’m offended,” says Clooney in response.

Not that PETA is easily deterred. The organization has already offered up serving suggestions for all your would-be CloFu needs.

“Cheese-scented CloFu could be used as pizza topping and in lasagna…CloFu will help people be healthier and more environmentally friendly and will spare animals from being killed for the table.”

The letter, signed by PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk, ends on an optimistic note. “We hope this idea meets with your approval.”

 

 

Yummy yummy bean curd.

Yummy yummy bean curd.

So human-flavored tofu? Are the serving suggestions a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti?

 

 

 

The compelling artificial chicken-flavoring argument aside, I’ve tried to think if there’s an anyone-flavored anything I would be willing to taste…

And the answer is a unanimous no.

 

In fact, the only upside I can see to this line of thinking falls in the realm of ‘cruel prank’.

 

“So you like the bisque? It’s good? Really? You enjoy the flavor? Does it seem youthful and yet horribly overexposed? It should, because IT’S MADE WITH MILEY CYRUS BOUILLON!!! That’s right, sucka! You just ate Hannah Montana Chowder!”

 

p.s.

I nearly forgot. Happy Friday the 13th…again.

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