Posts Tagged ‘humorous take on the news’

Some people

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

As if we needed further proof that people are nuts…or easily angered…or both, along comes this guy to make my day.

“Who is this man?” you ask. Well, let’s do some deductive reasoning together.

They say your nose and ears keep growing your entire life, and obviously they do.

They say your nose and ears keep growing your entire life, and obviously they do.

Look at this snarly mug. Does this man look angry?

Yes! Yes, he does!

Does he look like he forgot to take his meds?

Right again!

And does he look like a man capable of delivering a beat down onto a stranger’s two-year old child in a Georgia Wal-Mart?

Well, it should, because he did.

STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga. – Police say a 61-year-old man annoyed with a crying 2-year-old girl at a Walmart slapped the child several times after warning the toddler’s mother to keep her quiet.

A police report says after the stranger hit the girl at least four times, he said: “See, I told you I would shut her up.”

Roger Stephens of Stone Mountain is charged with felony cruelty to children. It was unclear if he had an attorney and a telehpone call to his home Wednesday was unanswered.

Authorities say the girl and her mother were shopping Monday when the toddler began crying. The police report says Stephens approached the mother and said, “If you don’t shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you.”

Authorities say after Stephens slapped the girl, she began screaming.

I think the saddest sentence of this article is the last one, because it highlights the audacity of arrogance: Here this man was bragging about his ability to shut up babies, and when given a chance (or seizing a chance…either way) to demonstrate his skill, he failed miserably and made the baby even MORE upset. And then he decided to applaud his failed efforts by tossing a saucy, “See, I told you I would shut her up,” out for all to hear.

But you didn’t, Roger. You didn’t shut her up, you made her scream more.

On the other hand, just looking at him, maybe he didn’t know the difference? Or maybe general screaming sounded more pleasant to him than whining for cookies? It stands to reason he hasn’t had much contact with kids. Or at least I hope he hasn’t.

At the same time, there is a silver lining to be had. Now I’m not saying the toddler deserved this, but let’s break it down objectively here:

1. Kids are annoying. You know they are. You’ve met kids. You may even have kids. In either case, I can guarantee you’ve been annoyed by kids. And if you haven’t? Watch two minutes of that “Nanny 911″ show (whatever it’s called where the British nanny comes and straightens out the hopeless, raising a brood of horrifically spoiled brat parents) and prepare to be ANNOYED. Look, I’m not picking on kids: We were all kids once. We were all annoying. I’m not saying they’re ALWAYS annoying and don’t have their cute or charming moments, I’m just saying that a screaming two-year old – no matter how you slice it – is annoying.

2. In a way, Roger Stephens, Wal-Mart shopper and occasional looney toon, was doing this toddler a favor. The next time she sees a face like that? She’ll know what to do: Shut up and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as humanly possible. There’s no need to lecture this little one on ‘good touch’ or ‘bad touch’ or ‘getting a funny feeling about people.’ Just remind her about that time she was at Wal-Mart, and was physically assualted by a stranger, and she’s good to go.

3. In my opinion, any time you enter a Wal-Mart you really are on your own. All bets are off. Never wanted to see a 400-pound woman in a halter top? Too bad, because there’s one waiting for you by the toilet paper. Have no desire to be hit on by a toothless man in his 80s? That’s a shame, because there’s one hovering around the mangos hoping to pretend that he doesn’t know whether they’re a fruit or a vegetable in order to extract unnecessary cooking advice from you as part of a poorly constructed come-on. Don’t want to be bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake? Well, as we’ve all learned, stay out of Wal-Mart, because you are shooting your odds way up, baby.

And as for you, Roger Stephens (whose name I keep typing as Gary Stephens for some unknown reason)?
I can’t wait to see you making the talk show circuit once you get let out of jail. I’m sure there’s someone somewhere that’s interested in your views on child psychology and will extend your 15 minutes just that much more! Yay for America!

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Greetings from Mexico

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

I didn´t tell you about this, because I didn´t want you to worry.

And also because I thought perhaps they´d have heard of a little thing called wifi. Or at least a cord with a line to the internets in the room. Turns out, not so much.

So Im here in the fancy resort ´cyber cafe´using their impossibly slow and wildly overpriced computer access (and I can´t even find a place to put a USB drive to load the funny blog I wrote for you yesterday during my TWELVE HOUR ride from Morelia to Acapulco. Don´t even get me started on that.) and feeling a little irritated.

There. I said it.

I´m annoyed.

It´s almost 2010. Unless you´re African Bushmen or living in a grass hut along the Amazon, I expect you to provide me with some freaking wifi somewhere in your building. I´ll sit in a lobby. I´ll pay $10 or even $15 for a day´s privilege…but can you at least let me use my own computer!?!?

In other news, it´s lush and green and hot as Hades (I went on a seven mile run this morning that damn near killed me), and there´s not much I like better than lying around in the sun by the ocean or a pool or even a stagnant pool of fetid water and reading  a book. And maybe slugging the occasional cerveza.

So, minus the fact that I have no way to keep in touch with my friends and loved ones (and that includes you. If you´re reading this blog, I automatically love you.) all is well.

So hold tight and as soon as I can find some other way to get my computer online, I will get back to the business of amusing and delighting you )or whatever it is I´m doing that´s enough for you to be reading this blog at this very moment.

Gracias and Hasta luego!

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Not cool, North Korea. Not cool.

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Dear Kim Jong-il,

Please put down the crack pipe or the opium pipe or the freebasing spoon or whatever the hell you have going on over there and listen to me for a second.

Word on the street is you’re gearing up to bomb Hawaii.

Are you completely out of  your damn mind?

Did you eat some kimchi that had turned and now you’re lost in a perpetual hallucination?
Hawaii!? Seriously?

I’m sorry. That was probably a bit harsh. Let me start over and catch you up here: Hawaii is part of America. A part which, historically, we get a bit sensitive about when someone decides to bomb it. Do the words ‘Pearl Harbor’ mean anything to you?

No?

What about a little something called Hiroshima?

Because - and I’m not condoning this sort of behavior, but – it’s arguable to say that Hiroshima happened because Pearl Harbor happened.

I’m hoping you can read between the lines here… 

If not, let me break it down for you: Fire a missle at Hawaii and get a nuke dropped on your @ss.

It’s pretty much that simple.

 

Who would ever doubt that a man of such obvious physical prowess was a golf superstar?

Who would ever doubt that a man of such obvious physical prowess was a golf superstar?

Moreover, Hawaii is by far one of the top-five best states we have. It’s tropical, lush, warm, and beachy. And it’s native peoples are one of the only ones with some balls. When the Spanish Conquistadors or whomever came and tried to claim it for themselves, the Hawaiians more or less executed them on the spot.  And rightly so.

If only Geronimo had been so bold.

 

Regardless, they’re still native peoples and they’re still getting the shaft from the U.S. government and the occasional haole and they really don’t need your guff too.

Plus, at least one of the islands of Hawaii (Kauai) has tons and tons of roosters. You like roosters, right?

Or is it only dog that gets your salivary glands going?

Never fear, like any good island, there are plenty of mongrel dogs there too.

 

Moreover, I understand you’re a huge film buff, your favorites being – what’s that you say? – AMERICAN MOVIES. Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but Friday the 13th and Rambo are American movies. So, by the way, are Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jordan. Americans, that is. Americans who possibly live on or vacation in Hawaii and who you may accidentally bomb to kingdom come.

So you crazy Dear Leader, you, why don’t you go back to kidnapping local directors and actresses and forcing them to make films for you and put these crazy ‘bomb Hawaii’ plans aside for a while? Or make a movies about it? Or just go play some golf and shoot four or five holes-in-one as you reportedly do every time you play.

Too bad you had to be a crazy dictator, because even Tiger Woods hasn’t got game like that…

In conclusion, lest you think that I’m so different and there’s no reason to listen to me, let me assure you that my birth, too, was foretold by a swallow and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens. So you can trust me. Minus the dog-eating and kidnapping, insane military anarchy plans, and ugly outfits, we’re two of a kind.

 

Thanks for listening!
Vanessa

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Kids are scary

Friday, May 29th, 2009

So I stumbled into some kind of article about all the secret code kids use to talk dirty on their cell phones (a.k.a. sexting), and I, for one, am shocked.

Actually, let me restate that. I’m grossed out.

And I’m wondering how on earth it is that things have changed so much in 20 years?

 

This is actually a pretty clever ad campaign from a teen + unplanned pregnancy prevention group.

This is actually a pretty clever ad campaign from a teen + unplanned pregnancy prevention group.

When I was 18 years old, I had a close male friend who offered me $100 to record the outgoing message “When I think about you I touch myself” (in homage to the hit song at the time) on his answering machine, and I wouldn’t do it. And if I remember correctly, the offer was raised by at least another $100 before he stopped asking.

 

Yet the combination of peer pressure and cold hard cash was not enough to break me.

I think I worried about it coming back to haunt me in my bid for the Presidency or I was just a prude or who knows. Regardless, I wouldn’t do it. These days, I could use the money. You know who you are. Call me if offer still stands.

Meanwhile, I also remember that I was rendered immediately and immensely uncomfortable by the mere sight or sound of Rod Stewart. I have an explicit memory of being in my friend’s basement rec room in my late elementary years (so 9 or 10 years old), and seeing him on TV singing “If You Want My Body” and wishing I could drop dead from awkwardness and shame right then and there.

In other words, I would have never – even with the available technology – have sent any of this filthy stuff. My mother was a world-class snoop, so I probably would have had to use the ‘MOS’ or “PAL” codes (and in hindsight, wish I ‘d known them), but that’s it.

I can’t even imagine who I would have sent them to. By and large, the  boys I liked tended to be odd outcasts, unpopular and even actively disliked. Thus, my crushes were a shameful secret that I kept to myself, and I hid them so well and buried them so deep that even at this moment I struggle to recall the name of a single guy I liked in middle school. Love is weird like that. Fleeting and completely forgettable…

Anyway, and without further ado – and apologies if you’re prudish or easily offended or are now suddenly realizing that your sweet and innocent 12-year old is actually a raging floozy – here’s the lineup.

Top 50 Internet Acronyms Parents Need to Know:

1. 8 – Oral sex

2. 1337 – Elite

3. 143 – I love you

4. 182 – I hate you

5. 459 – I love you

6. 1174 – Nude club

7. 420 – Marijuana

8. ADR – Address

9. ASL – Age/Sex/Location

10. banana – Penis

11. CD9 – Code 9 (it means parents are around)

12. DUM – Do You Masturbate?

13. DUSL – Do You Scream Loud?

14. FB – F*** Buddy

15. FMLTWIA – F*** Me Like The Whore I Am

16. FOL – Fond of Leather

17. GNOC – Get Naked On Cam

18. GYPO – Get Your Pants Off

19. IAYM – I Am Your Master

20. IF/IB – In the Front -or- In the Back

21. IIT – Is it Tight?

22. ILF/MD – I Love Female/Male Dominance

23. IMEZRU – I Am Easy, Are You?

24. IWSN – I Want Sex Now

25. J/O – Jerking Off

26. KFY -or- K4Y – Kiss For You

27. kitty – Vagina

28. KPC – Keeping Parents Clueless

29. LMIRL – Let’s Meet in Real Life

30. MOOS – Member of the Opposite Sex

31. MOSS – Member(s) of the Same Sex

32. MorF – Male or Female

33. MOS – Mom Over Shoulder

34. MPFB – My Personal F*** Buddy

35. NALOPKT – Not A Lot of People Know That

36. NIFOC – Nude In Front of the Computer

37. NMU – Not Much, You?

38. P911 – Parent Alert

39. PAL – Parents are Listening

40. PAW – Parents are Watching

41. PIR – Parent in Room

42. POS – Parent Over Shoulder -or- Piece of Sh**

43. PRON – Porn

44. Q2C – Quick to Cum

45. RU/18 – Are You Over 18?

46. RUH – Are You Horny?

47. S2R – Send to Receive

48. SorG – Straight or Gay

49. TDTM – Talk Dirty to Me

50. WYCM – Will You Call Me?

 

My mental image of what todays oversexed kids will be like in another 20 years after theyve worn themselves out and cant even bear to look at the number 8 anymore.

My mental image of what today's oversexed kids will be like in another 20 years, after they've worn themselves out on talking dirty and can't even bear to look at the number 8 anymore.

 

 

I’m wondering for #49 if the following response is acceptable?

88811748811741431337888

Oooh, baby.

I love it when you text to me like that!

And I’m fond of leather.

But not like that. In a cute bomber jacket or a nice pair of boots or something. But still…

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Move over Octomom

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

Now there are two new mothers for the world to look down on and judge harshly! Yay!

I know I said I’d catch you up on the rest of my trip, but that can wait. Seriously, have you seen these stories!?

First, winning the ‘you’re never too old to be an idiot’ prize:

A baby at 66 for Elizabeth Adeney – set to become Britain’s oldest mother

Hmmm...  Well, at least she has youthful taste in keychains.

She may be an old mom, but she has youthful taste in keychains.

With her sizeable bump on show, this is Elizabeth Adeney – Britain’s oldest mother-to-be.

At 66, she is four years older than the previous record holder.

Mrs Adeney, who is around eight months pregnant, is believed to have undergone IVF abroad because most British clinics will not treat women over the age of 50. 

Friends say that the divorcee, a wealthy businesswoman who is still working a five-day week, is in perfect health and looking forward to the birth of what is thought to be her first child.

But her pregnancy will reignite the debate over late motherhood and the ability of science to enable women in their 50s and 60s to become mothers.

Mrs Adeney will be just short of her 80th birthday when her child becomes a teenager.

A friend said she had been desperate to conceive for years.

Last year, she travelled to the Ukraine, where a controversial IVF clinic has helped countless women get pregnant using donor eggs and sperm.

The friend added: ‘She was desperate for a child. She was over the moon when she learned last year that she was pregnant and has been quite open about it – it’s not the sort of thing she can hide.

‘Elizabeth has had a pretty good pregnancy. She has been very well, considering her age – I’m amazed how she keeps going.

‘She does get up a little later in the mornings than she used to and sometimes spends an hour or two at home before going to work but she is still at her business Monday to Friday.’

Mrs Adeney, the managing director of a firm in Mildenhall, Suffolk, which produces plastic and textile products, is described by friends as ‘very bright and single-minded’.

Yesterday, she declined to discuss her condition.

Here’s my only issue with this: Seeing as this child is the product of a donor egg, it is in no way biologically related to her. Why do this? There are thousands of older children who need to be adopted, surely with her wealth (and a nanny) she could have helped one (or more) of them? Plus, if she adopted someone currently four or five or even eight or nine years old, she may actually live  to be old enough to see them graduate from college. Just sayin’…

Second, winning the “I Thought This Only Happened With Dogs and Pigs” award:

Twin baby boys have two different fathers

A mother’s fling has resulted in her bearing twins – by different fathers.

At least the odd twin out isn't an albino.

At least the odd twin out isn't an albino.

Eleven-month-old Justin and Jordan Washington may have arrived in the world within just seven minutes of each other, but in an amazing twist of fate, they are half brothers.

Each has a different dad because their mother Mia Washington, had an affair and conceived two babies by different men at the same time.

The truth came out when Mia visited Clear Diagnostics DNA Lab after noticing the twins have different facial features.

A paternity test confirmed her fears – it showed there was only a 0.001 chance that Justin and Jordan have the same father.

‘It’s very crazy, most people don’t believe it can happen but it really can,’ said Genny Thibodeaux, from Clear Diagnostics DNA Lab.

According to doctors, if a woman has more than one sexual partner while she is ovulating, there’s a miniscule chance that different sperm cells can fertilise two separate eggs.

The couple is now coping with the aftermath of the DNA bombshell and plan to tell the twins when they’re old enough to understand.

Mia added: ‘When they opened the envelope and delivered the news they told me there was zero chance that James was Justin’s father.

‘My jaw dropped open.

‘It was the weirdest thing to think that two little babies could have grown in my stomach together and been born seven minutes apart but yet have different fathers.

‘I had never heard of it happening anywhere else in the world and literally had thought it would have been impossible.

‘James said he would stay because he loved me and raise both of the twins as his own.’

 

Hmmm…

Well, I suppose when they’re old enough to understand the word ‘slut’, it won’t be too hard to explain the circumstances to the little guys…

Meanwhile, I thought I should add that the caption on one of the photos of the happy family indicated that Mia was soon to deliver a third baby.

Good for you, James. And good luck. To quote George Bernard Shaw: We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

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