Because once in a while I get a sign of life that you’re actually out there.
Oh, and apologies for the assumption that you’re straight, ladies…or that there aren’t gay men out there who would also appreciate this ummm…. moment with Tony Bourdain. I believe this was taken early in his success, and his excuse was that the photographer got him drunk.
(***Note to self when fame finally hits: while with professional photographers, take it easy on the Jack Daniels and stay away from butcher shops.***)
That reminds me, while talking to my brother the other day we got onto the topic of things that can only be loved or hated (New York City, Las Vegas, marmite) and he brought up tequila. Now believe it or not, I fall down the middle on tequila – I’ve never had a horrific hangover experience such that I hate it, I’m happy to drink it on occasion, but I don’t seek it out either. So there you go.
This is probably why no one calls me anymore: I’m contrary. (***Second note to self: Be less obnoxious.***)
Anyway, my own dangerous drink is mentioned above: Jack Daniels. Not so much because I’ve gotten sick on it (although there have been a few rough mornings here and there), but because it makes me mean. Seriously. It does. If things are going to get volatile or I’m suddenly going to remember some old business that I never quite forgave you for (even though in my ‘regular’ life I am not a grudge holder) or flip a pool table and get in a fist fight, it’s going to be the Jack talking.
My brother then waxed on about Scottish whiskies and Canadian whiskies and the thing is, that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s the Kentucky bourbon that’s the beast, and I’m wondering if it doesn’t have something to do with the people making it?
Bear with me here. Did you ever read Midnight’s Children? Or Like Water for Chocolate? And in both of them, food was a medium of people’s emotions or character: the wedding cake was ruined by tears or the chutney of someone good and kind was perfectly sweet and soothing.
Booze made in the Appalachias makes you crazy.
Take it or leave it.
When I saw Dave Attell a year or so ago (or whenever that was), he asked the people in the crowd to name their drink, and he’d tell you about your upcoming night. One woman yelled out Jack Daniels and Coke. “Coke?” Dave asked, “What kind of Coke?”
He shook his head sadly, “Jack is the wildest horse in the stable. Why do you have to go saddle him with that?”
And for those still doubting me, listen to this little insight from a bartender that I just randomly found online while trying to prove my stupid point: “Jack does turn people into assholes. I think the thing is about Jack, is it is double distilled over charcoal AND aged in charred oak barrels. This double distillation is called the Lincoln county process. Regular bourbon and most brown liquors are only aged in charred oak barrels. Curiously and also backing up this idea that Jack makes people crazy is the fact that Lincoln county Tennessee where they make Jack Daniels is a dry county, no alcohol can be sold.”
In conclusion to my completely worthless rant, let me add that Jagermeister makes people wildly inappropriate or even violent…with no memory of it afterwards. That, I would say, is par for the course for the Germans with their Third Reich and “showers” and magical mystery herbal liquor so secret that no one knows what’s in it.
I rest my case.