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25 Ways To Make Thanksgiving Memorable

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Holy hell.

It’s that time of year again.

Has somebody invented a ‘time speeder upper’ machine and neglected to tell me?

Regardless, Thanksgiving (American Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t normally know this, but I recently learned that Canadians also have Thanksgiving and that it already happened. Do you guys have a similar story with Native Americans saving your starving colonists’ bacon one winter by showing up with a feast of corn and turkeys and grain or ???) is just around the corner.

In honor of the impending day, I saw a link to an article entitled, “25 Ways to Make Thanksgiving Memorable” and although I didn’t read it, I’m onto it. At least I think I am.

I’m currently without internet access to confirm my suspicions, but I’m expecting things like traced handprint turkey place markers and posting written lists of gratitude and other sentimental ‘awwwww’ ideas – and who needs that? I’m about as thankful as they come, but I still hate it when I’m forced to publicly declare gratitude because the maker of the dinner has decreed it so.

I have problems with authority.

Wanna make something of it?

Anyway, realizing that you need schmalzy feel-good ideas like I need a hole in the head, I decided to come up with a list of 25 untried and in no way true nor guaranteed nor foolproof nor advisable ways to make Thanksgiving 2009 memorable.

Maybe not in a good way.
But it will be memorable.

  1. Burn everything – even things that aren’t cooked. Burn up extras and toss them into the Jello mold and store-bought cranberry sauce. Be creative! Burned up paper is edible in small amounts. Probably.
  2. Serve nothing but fudge formed into the shape of traditional Thanksgiving items. White fudge for mashed potatoes. Peanut butter fudge formed into a turkey. Chocolate fudge can be…the fudge? Regardless, you get the idea…
  3. Dishing out grub at a food kitchen is so last year. Bring home street people for Thanksgiving dinner. Real homeless! Reeking of urine and booze! In your mother-in-laws’ upholstered dining room chairs! Imagine that…
  4. Make drinking mandatory – even for children.
  5. Require that everyone dress as their favorite Pilgrim. Don’t have a favorite? That’s what Wikipedia is for.
  6. Refuse to call your guests anything but “Kimosabe” and “white man”
  7. Instead of turkey, serve ‘the most dangerous game’ – man
  8. Rather than going around listing what you’re thankful for, list off the people you’re glad aren’t there.
  9. Stage a reenactment of the Roanoke disaster (or your best guess as to what that may have looked like.)
  10. Go foraging for berries and make your cranberry sauce out of that. Have someone old or already infirm sample it first.
  11. After dinner suggest a rousing game of “What can I get in exchange for these beads and some small pox infested blankets?”
  12. Pumpkin pie is so obvious. Carrot pie is not.
  13. Instead of giving thanks, give advice. Don’t like the way your niece is living her life? Tell her about it! Everybody loves unsolicited advice! Right? Right???
  14. Take the whole crew out to the nearest Top of China buffet restaurant. That’ll teach them to simply ‘assume’ you’ll happily prepare a meal for six hours.
  15. Wait for everyone to fill their plates and then continually point to particular items and ask, ‘Are you gonna eat that?”
  16. Midway through the meal, emerge with a razor and announce that the person with the longest hair will be subjected to a traditional Indian-style “scalping” (No need to truly remove their skin. Just shave the hair. That’ll be plenty memorable.)
  17. Nothing like playing truth or dare with the family! Make the dares impossible, so that there’s nothing left but the truth, “So who is my real father, Mom?”
  18. Instead of bread, make your stuffing with ‘whatever.’ Anything goes! Potato chips, frozen peas, fruitcake and cat food. You’re the chef. You call the shots.
  19. To really spice up #18, have people submit guesses as to what, exactly, is in this years ‘stuffing.’ The closest guess wins a prize. You can decide how good or lame said prize is.
  20. Instead of a ‘children’s table’ have an ‘asshole’s table’ and treat it like musical chairs. “One false move, Mary, and you bump Uncle Bob up to the grown-ups table…”
  21. Continually pipe up with “God bless us, everyone!” until someone employs physical force to make you stop.
  22. Sure, it’s been done to death, but don’t underestimate the memorability of deep frying a turkey and ‘accidentally’ burning your house down. Plus, it gets you out of making Christmas dinner.
  23. Suggest that everyone go around the table and share one brutally honest thought with the others, children included. “Cindy, I’ve been watching you play with the other children, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to grow up to be a stripper.”
  24. Sure, turkey is traditional, but koala will give them a story to tell.
  25. Food fight!!!

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