“If you want to make money, write a book. If you want to make a lot of money, start a religion.”
–L. Ron Hubbard
Allegedly, in 1948, science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard (author of all kinds of things you’ve probably never heard of, let alone read, such as Buckskin Brigades, Indigestible Triton, and Mission Earth 1 thru 10) made a million dollar bet with science fiction writer Robert Heinlein (author of Starship Troopers, The Puppet Masters, and Stranger in a Strange Land) as to whom could form the next world religion.
Whether or not this is true will never be known.
Whether or not he was successful…well, just ask Tom Cruise. It’s a religion all right. At least in the over-the-top zealot sense. And the money-making sense.
Which is why I’d like to challenge Stephanie Meyer to a ten million dollar bet as to which of us could create the next world religion. And in order to win, I’m already getting started.
I’m definitely looking to some already established religions for ideas and even considering the finer points of psychology, astrology, anthropology, sociology, cryptozoology, gastroenterology, mixology, and scatology.
However, despite these lofty goals, at this point I’ve really only focused on my dietary laws. You see, the way I figure it, in order to be a contender and a major force in the religion game, you’ve got to have extensive and restrictive rules for eating. Sure there’s no rhyme or reason, but there’s one guarantee: Following them makes you pure. And who doesn’t want to be pure?
No one, right? Right.
Right, so let’s get started:
1. Animals that have died of natural or accidental causes are spiritually pure. Such causes include (but are not limited to): cancer, tuberculosis, electrocution via inadvertently tramping upon a live electrical wire, colic, swallowing of a Alka Seltzer tablet, murder by a pack mate, flying into a glass window, suicide (see previous?), head-on collision with a Ford F350, and old age. For anything else, please consult your local clergy person (to be put in place just as soon as the tax-exempt religion money starts rolling in. More information to follow.)
2. Birds with beady eyes or alarming squawks are bad news. Don’t eat them.
3. Don’t eat cats or dogs or anything named or once named “Socks”, “Boots,” “Spot”, “Fluffy” or “Old Roy.”
4. Hot Pockets? Really?
5. Dinosaurs are a-okay. Eat up.
6. Be cautious around Chinese food served in the shady parts of town. Roadkill is fine by me, but the chef may or may not have washed his hands. So it’s religiously pure, but it may not actually be pure if you follow my logic.
7. You can eat all insects except butterflies, ladybugs, dragonflies and lightening bugs. Why? Because I said so. Who do you think you are to be asking why?
What’s that? Why?
Okay, because I like them. That’s why.
8. Beer before liquor never sicker, liquor before beer never fear.
9. Certain foods must be prepared all or in part by midgets:
So make friends with some midgets tout de suite or say goodbye to pretty much everything that has ever brought you happiness. Except chocolate. Chocolate can still be made by heathens and tall people.
10. Don’t swim until an hour after eating. Unless it’s the second Tuesday of the month. Or a full moon. Or raining. Or you ate Cool Whip. Or whipped cream. Or creamed corn. Or anything that ends with ickle (so pickles, creamsicles, icicles, or butter brickle.) Unless you ate all of them together in which case the rule is null and void for three months unless you grow a full beard and do five proper acts of repenting as will defined when I further flesh out this whole religion thing.