Maybe I should just get a boob job and move to England?
Thursday, August 12th, 2010Because apparently that’s all it takes to be a bestselling author on the other side of the pond. Check out this insanity:
Katie Price’s new novel Paradise set to top book charts
Katie Price is set to go straight to the top of the Sunday Times Bestseller list this week, with her new novel Paradise.
The former glamour model’s fifth novel, the final instalment in her Angel trilogy, will go straight in at number one for hardback fiction, outselling the number two book by two copies to one, her publisher, Random House, said.
Price, who chooses the plots for her books, penned by ghostwriter Rebecca Farnworth, said: “I think it’s brilliant that it’s number one. It just goes to show people that when I really put my mind to something it makes number one and it’s brilliant and I’m absolutely over the moon.”
A spokeswoman for Random House said: “Katie Price is one of the top novelists in the country and all of her books have gone straight to number one when they’ve been published, and Paradise is no exception to that.
“We’ve just heard that Paradise is going to be number one in The Sunday Times Bestseller List this coming weekend, and that’s all before today’s signing and her book tour which is around seaside towns.”
Dear Random House,
In addition to said boob job, I’m willing to go to seaside towns. Hell, I’ll move to a seaside town if that’s what the English readers want. I prefer if you didn’t insist on me getting a lobotomy, but I can fake it. I can get drunk in the afternoon and go out in public and make super idiotic comments about how amazing I am when I put my mind to something when that “something” is basically nothing and amounts to no more than choosing a (probably) inane plot that someone else then goes and writes.
Hell, I can even devise these ridiculous plots on my own, so that’s one less employee on your pay roll. See? I’m already saving you money. The way I figure it, a book of Mad Libs could keep my bestselling author status intact for decades.
I realize talk is cheap, so take a gander at these gems:
1. A young girl from Brighton winds up in the jungle and is befriended by talking predators and friendly fur-covered creatures. Life is good. After avoiding the human world for years and spending most of her childhood coming up with weak book plots that other people will someday write, the young girl stumbles upon a village populated with other humans and learns the value of breast augmentation. She returns to civilization, quadruples the size of her mammaries, and becomes a reality TV “star.”
2. A fatally-shot Frenchman spends his last moments going on a tour de force through the Louvre hiding a series of complicated and cryptic clues and ciphers that can only be decoded by a vapid young woman from Brighton with laughably large fake breasts. To everyone’s amazement, she eventually solves the puzzles which lead her to a safety deposit box, which in turn contains more puzzles and cryptic clues and things that seem exciting if you’re not actually tasked with deciphering them. In that case, they just give you a headache. Happily, she’s really good at this puzzle stuff and ultimately figures out that Jesus had kids.
3. A young woman from Brighton is dating a vampire and it’s impossibly romantic and chaste except for the part where she gets a paper cut and his family tries to tear her limb from limb, but otherwise. However, said vampire is not a fan of fake hooters, so they break up. The young woman is heartbroken and depressed, but then starts hanging out with a new guy who – of course – is also not a regular person like everyone else, but a werewolf. There’s some kind of obvious Romeo and Juliet confusion and miscommunication and lack of cell phone connectivity wherein the original vampire boyfriend thinks the young woman has killed herself so he tries to kill himself and blah blah blah breast implants, modeling gigs, fame.
