So Casey Anthony was found not guilty. If you’re not an American (or you’re a completely unplugged American [and good for you, if so! Although now that I think about it: how and why are you reading this if that's the case? Hmmm.... The mind boggles.]), those words may mean nothing.Thus – and in extreme brief – Casey Anthony is a young Florida woman whose two-year old daughter went missing for 31 days…and she didn’t report it ever. In fact, she went out partying and got a tattoo that said “Bella Vita” two weeks after the baby disappeared and told a whole lotta lies about where the child was (a nanny who didn’t exist, an amusement park, the beach) when her parents inquired.
That much is fact. The rest – that she murdered the kid or it accidentally died and she drove Caylee (the child) around in a trash bag in her trunk for weeks before dumping her body off in the woods – are circumstantial, which is why she’s now about to go free and cash in on the whole horrible thing. On the one hand, I suppose this is an indicator that the system works. I’d rather have guilty people walking around out there than innocent people on death row (I don’t think there should be death row at all, but that’s probably more than I need to get into right now).
On the other hand, this turn of events has inspired not one, but two people to suggest that I get myself involved in a high-profile crime – but also somehow assure that I get away with it. One idea was that I shoot someone in the head – a la Amy Fischer – but make sure they don’t die (because that’s so easily achieved. << ahem >>) and the other was that I kill someone important. Now, when I push for details – how do I both kill someone notable AND get tied to the crime, but still manage to get away with it – my would-be PR reps fall suddenly mum.
When I ask why this is necessary: isn’t my writing and the new book sufficient to earn me a relevant paycheck and a career? Shouldn’t I keep the faith that *somebody* has to get the multi-million dollar deals and the Pulitzer: why not me? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH JUST THE WAY I AM??? Well, let’s just say you could hear the crickets chirping.
However, when I plead: do I REALLY have to kill someone and get away with it to make it as a writer, the response was a resounding “yes.”
So there you go. You can’t fight city hall or completely insane PR advice or the fact that if the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit. Thus, I am currently taking suggestions for my perfect murder. I’m thinking I could execute both a terrible crime and a public service, all the while putting my name on the map. A win/win, if you will.
I’ve given it some thought, and my short target list includes:
1. Charlie Sheen
2. Bernie Madoff
3. Casey Anthony
The actual deed could go down something like
1. In the library with a candlestick
2. In the billiards room with a rope
3. In the conservatory with a lead pipe.
Granted, there are still a lot of details to work out, old mansions to procure and lure Charlie Sheen into, and hardware store shopping to execute. Probably I should read up on non-death penalty states. Maybe I should get my head checked or wait a little longer just in case this new book really is the one. On the other hand, I was looking for hard statistics, and allegedly the odds that you’ll get away with murder are 2:1. Similarly, 2/3 of all murders go unsolved. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think I just might pull this off…